Anyone else battling this beast? It started for me aged around 14 and persisted, now I'm 38 and it's made a complete ruination of my life - I started out ambitious, was "gifted" at school, got into a top uni, but I managed to make nought of any of it, because of this tendency toward depression and what is probably Avoidant Personality Disorder/severe, painful shyness. I've actually never met anybody as shy as myself. That's probably one of the main reasons for all my depression, there are others, but I won't go into all that right now. i am lucky in one thing, I managed to meet the love of my life last year, he is a wonderful man and I can't believe I've got him :beguiled: Why suicidal now then? A couple of months ago my endometriosis (unfortunate female condition, for which I have had operations in the past) flared up big-time, probably brought on by my fiance telling me that he thought I couldn't cope with kids because of my depression - he now denies having said this and thinks I'd be a good mother - but a laparoscopy last week has shown that it's all over for me as far as fertility goes and that I probably need a hysterectomy. So I'm waiting to see another specialist for a second opinion, can't get in for almost two months so I'm sitting at home all day in pain. I keep waking up during the night thinking I just can't go on any more, I am sick and tired of myself, I feel like a monster, and I blame myself for not having had another operation months ago but I didn't know it was going to get worse due to the medication I was taking for it. I also blame myself for being hysterical after what my fiance said. I think I've had some sort of female hysteria going on because of not only that but a miserable, frustrating sexual dysfunction I've got that started when I first went on antidepressants at the age of 16 and has never righted itself, even though I'm long off those antidepressants. (The psychiatrist I went to last year to see if he could put this right didn't want to believe me.) This dysfunction despite me having a high sex drive has been a hell in and of itself. All I ever really wanted in life was to be a mother, I finally met the right guy, but I feel like I've been ruined and don't know how I'm going to cope if I really need a hysterectomy at this age. That and the sexual dysfunction, what am I? I'm struggling feeling like a woman any more. And I don't know what resources I've got left in me to cope with this latest mess. I always felt different from other people, now I can't even put into words what I feel like. It feels like my heart is breaking, that I'll never be a mother. And I feel like I'm failing my family. His parents will never be grandparents because of this. I feel absurd, embarrassed writing all this down, but my depression has never felt so bad, I feel like like an absolute disaster, and don't know how to cope at all.