Treatment-resistant depression and female stuff (maybe TMI)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zipporah29, Sep 17, 2012.

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  1. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    Anyone else battling this beast? It started for me aged around 14 and persisted, now I'm 38 and it's made a complete ruination of my life - I started out ambitious, was "gifted" at school, got into a top uni, but I managed to make nought of any of it, because of this tendency toward depression and what is probably Avoidant Personality Disorder/severe, painful shyness. I've actually never met anybody as shy as myself. That's probably one of the main reasons for all my depression, there are others, but I won't go into all that right now.

    i am lucky in one thing, I managed to meet the love of my life last year, he is a wonderful man and I can't believe I've got him :beguiled:

    Why suicidal now then? A couple of months ago my endometriosis (unfortunate female condition, for which I have had operations in the past) flared up big-time, probably brought on by my fiance telling me that he thought I couldn't cope with kids because of my depression - he now denies having said this and thinks I'd be a good mother - but a laparoscopy last week has shown that it's all over for me as far as fertility goes and that I probably need a hysterectomy. So I'm waiting to see another specialist for a second opinion, can't get in for almost two months so I'm sitting at home all day in pain. I keep waking up during the night thinking I just can't go on any more, I am sick and tired of myself, I feel like a monster, and I blame myself for not having had another operation months ago but I didn't know it was going to get worse due to the medication I was taking for it. I also blame myself for being hysterical after what my fiance said. I think I've had some sort of female hysteria going on because of not only that but a miserable, frustrating sexual dysfunction I've got that started when I first went on antidepressants at the age of 16 and has never righted itself, even though I'm long off those antidepressants. (The psychiatrist I went to last year to see if he could put this right didn't want to believe me.) This dysfunction despite me having a high sex drive has been a hell in and of itself.

    All I ever really wanted in life was to be a mother, I finally met the right guy, but I feel like I've been ruined and don't know how I'm going to cope if I really need a hysterectomy at this age. That and the sexual dysfunction, what am I? I'm struggling feeling like a woman any more. And I don't know what resources I've got left in me to cope with this latest mess. I always felt different from other people, now I can't even put into words what I feel like. It feels like my heart is breaking, that I'll never be a mother. And I feel like I'm failing my family. His parents will never be grandparents because of this.

    I feel absurd, embarrassed writing all this down, but my depression has never felt so bad, I feel like like an absolute disaster, and don't know how to cope at all.
     
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    We have some things in common--a bright and promising start as a gifted student, treatment resistant depression ruining that promise and chronic health problems that contribute to it. I'm also Avoidant. At 49, I'm eleven years further down the road than you with these problems. I almost got married and had kids around 34 but suffered a severe depression that took everything from me. I gave up on the idea after that, deciding I wouldn't be a good mother with depression and didn't want to burden anybody with my genes for depression. I was never really super keen on the idea in the first place. I accepted it fairly easily. I haven't had a sexual relationship since 38 due to my interstitial cystitis. Sex always made my IC worse and I decided it just wasn't worth the bother anymore. I suppose that's similar in some ways to Endometriosis. I used to have a strong sex drive but I have almost no hormones at all anymore and so it no longer matters to me. I've gone into menopause this year and I'm fine with that as my periods used to be terribly painful. Perhaps you should hang on and have the hysterectomy. You might feel a lot better about everything if you are no longer in pain. Once the hormones start waning in your 40's you'll lose interest in kids. It's partly a hormonal/biological thing to want kids. You're lucky to have a partner to share your life with. Focus on that and what there might be left in life for you to enjoy and find some meaning in. You might also want to look at the article I posted on the STAR_D study about treatment resistant depression in the mental health article section. I'm kind of surprised really, that someone who's 38 and has endometriosis would be at all surprised that she was now infertile. It isn't that much of a shock is it? I would not have been surprised if it were me. Many people without endo. are infertile by that age.

    I've never worried about using my body to meet the expectations of others so I can't relate to your distress over not providing grandchildren to people. I've just never worried about that. I'm sure they'll live on just fine without a couple of rugrats visiting now and then. It might even be less trouble and expense for them. How do you even know if they'll care that much about it? My parents only got two grandchildren out of 4 kids and haven't been very interested or involved with them at all. They had their own things to do and didn't want to care for the grandchildren.

    Other things we have in common from reading your past posts: We are both atheists who don't believe in an afterlife but fancy being met by others when we die anyway. (For me, I want to believe I'll be met by all the cats and dogs I've cared for. Should be a huge crowd since I've spent a lot of time caring for guide dog puppies, abused and abandoned cat and dogs, worked as a dog walker and dog/cat sitter and had some pets. I figure the powerful hallucinogen, DMT, that's released by the brain when we die let's us see whatever we want to see before we're just dirt again.
    I was bullied as well. It probably contributed to my anxiety and depression later on. They say it's a risk factor for it. I suspect your acne was just an excuse for bullying you, the real reason was likely your giftedness. Gifted girls tend to be the most unpopular and most bullied kids in the class, while gifted boys are popular (making the gifted girls wonder what's wrong with them.) Gifted women have 5 times the rate of depression of the general population while gifted men have 1/3 the rate. The difference probably starts with the bullying as kids that leaves the girls susceptible to it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2012
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I thought of an article that you might find interesting. It explained for me, a lot of my problems as a child and adolescent, things I blamed on myself but might have just been part and parcel to being a gifted girl.

    http://pespmc1.vub.ac.be/Papers/GiftedProblems.pdf
     
  4. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Hey - thanks for posting that article. I like the note about how, if you're different, people give you kinda weird feedback, which can only contribute to your feelings of being a stranger in this world...and that's such a huge factor in depression.
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi Zip I just noticed you're from Melbourne I'm from there& live here as well,about treatment resistant depression I am 37 years old and have been on that many meds down the years and have had virtually every treatment out there possible.I have Bi Polar,Major depression,anxiety,OCD&BDD and who knows whatever else so I know how it all i've been there and done that to be honest myself.
     
  6. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    Thanks much for the reply AlienBeing, yes we do have some things in common. It's good to feel less alone. I think you talked a bit of sense into me actually, I've been reacting with such emotionality to all this and you've pointed me in a more practical direction of seeing things.

    I agree with what you say about not wanting to pass on the genes for depression. I couldn't bear to see any of this replicated and, even worse, there's mental health problems in my partner's family as well, which has made him reluctant to have kids himself. It was just that when I met him, my biological clock started yelling at me. Oh well. It'll just have to be silenced again, one way or another.

    I will look into the article about the study. I guess I've lived with depression for so long it seems like some sort of built-in attribute, almost. Would be an incredible thing if there was something that would actually work for it.

    And we're both animal lovers. I have always been one to adopt strays (I had an unbelievable amount of cats as a teenager, at one stage). I think I see more adoptions in my future - hah.

    Yes bullying for somebody already shy and sensitive can take a terrible toll. We'd been moving around while I grew up due to my father's job and I became increasingly unable to adapt to new circumstances, specially after the bullying started by people who used to be my friends. I developed a lot of self-hatred from that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2012
  7. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    Oh, wow. thanks so much for posting this. It spoke to me on a lot of levels.
     
  8. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    Thanks ace, sorry you've been through so much as well but kinda good to know I'm not alone if you know what I mean...
     
  9. Calleo

    Calleo Well-Known Member

    How do you feel about adoption?
     
  10. Zipporah29

    Zipporah29 Member

    It has occurred to me, and it has also occurred to me that someone with an almost 25-year history of mental instability might not be eligible - and I can understand if that was the case. I don't know. Maybe I'll look into it. One thing I do know is that I'll keep on adopting cats and dogs :02.47-tranquillity:
     
  11. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Ahh, yes furry kids. I love them too. I raised guide dog puppies, fostered abused and abandoned dogs for a rescue then started my own dog walking business. I also had a beautiful Siamese cat for 16 years. He was instrumental in making the guide dog puppies cat friendly and also cat respectful, lol, since he had claws and knew how to use them if they weren't respectful to him.
     
  12. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    offcourse they deny that antidepressing medication can cause harm !
    Imagine it being true , they can get sued big time !

    Sorry I witness this in a close friend of mine , who gotten the wrong doctor and wrong medication .
    Went from a terrific sweet person hardworking , who was overstressed with 4 kids .. to a horrible wreck of a person who trying to be something she is not .
    And it is eating up the husband and the kids , sadly she is now paranoid as hell , one little joke and she like her whole aura changes .
    Honestly nothing you can do , remember don't take it out on the fiance and the people you love .

    rather go rant at strangers or people you hate , much easier that way . if you going to be shameless .
    Don't do it to people you love , expecting them to tolerate it always .
     
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