I am so frustrated with myself because I frustrate my treatment team to the point they have been ready to fire me multiple times; my therapist, my psychiatrist, even the eating disorder treatment program I am in right now almost called the police on me yesterday because I was having a panic attack and mentioned that I was having strong urges to self harm. They drew up the paper work for discharge and almost called 911 because they assumed it was a suicide threat based on a misunderstanding on the wording of things. After a horrifically painful emergency mini-team session, they agreed not to try to commit me and put me on a safety contract. My therapist in the program (not my regular therapist) actually yelled at me and said she wasn't going to play my "games". It's no game to me. I don't know if they are thinking that I am f*****g with them but to me it's no joke when I am in emotional pain. My depression and anxiety are at a disabling level. It is everything I can do to go to work, get through my shift, and go to program. Functioning at program is a struggle; it's group therapy based and I have such social anxiety that I live on the edge of panic the whole time. My eating disorder behaviors are actually getting worse in program. I know it will get harder before it gets better but I just feel like giving up. But giving up means accepting life as it is right now, and I'd rather be dead than accept that this is the best it can ever get. I asked for help and I almost got committed. I tell people about my urges, trained professionals, and they freak out and get all weird on me or threaten hospitalization. My self harm is chronic. It's not daily, or even weekly, but it's been a long term problem. My regular therapist gets this and I don't have issues with her going bonkers over self harm. Suicidal ideation? Yes (I had an attempt 2 weeks ago). But not self harm usually. I just feel like crawling back in my hole and keeping all my urges inside, or hiding when I act on them. But this is opposite of what I need to be doing to get better. Anybody else have these kind of issues with your treatment team? Am I alone with the struggle of having to censor my thoughts from the very people I pay to help me?