Tried and failed, was very empty afterwards.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Waugriff, Aug 7, 2007.

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  1. Waugriff

    Waugriff Active Member

    Hi I am new to these forums and am fairly new to the internet outside of games aswell. I have been feeling so bad lately that I took the time to look up on google for sites that I could jsut talk on, and found this one.

    Please do not flame me or make fun of me, I cant really handle it at this point, so I am begging you not to.

    I am 25 and have a wife and 3 sons which I love very much, but things have changed over the years to slowly erode my soul.

    Awhile back I was a very power hungry person, all I could think about was how to control people and use them for my own personal gains, in short I was a real asshole. After I turned 19 that finally went away and now I am more considerate and kind to others than I probably should be.

    At one point in all my sadness I was desperate to try and find a way out, so I fought, and kept fighting. I would go into known gang hideouts and just attack there leaders, fighting like I was a monster. I took many beatings, some I came out ontop and others was beat to the point of serious
    hospitalization. But it never ended, after recovering I would do it all again, hoping that I would fall asleep at the hands of another. I didnt do it that way for glory or to seem cool so to speak, I did it that way because it was at the time the only thing that truely mattered to me, fighting others.

    I ended up getting conned into marrage (very long story) and fell in love with the 1 year old boy in need of help, he became my son and I his father. Now I am just a mere tool for my wife and am often left crying in the dark alone while my wife enjoys lifes rewards. The only thing that keeps me from going out now is the very few glints of hope I get when my kids are happy that daddy is around and not mommy. But in the end, failing my attempts has never made me look back and say Thank Goodness, but rather, damn it why did I fail.

    I hope that people who attempt and fail recover and feel better about failing, or even grateful that they failed. I have not after many years.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well first...Welcome to the forum.

    I honestly don't know what to say visa vie the fighting thing, hopefully one of the guys will answer, as I have a feeling this may be something the fellas can relate to.

    With regard to the depression, have you seen a doc about it? Sounds like some anti-depressants and someone to talk to would help no end.
  3. Waugriff

    Waugriff Active Member

    I was much younger and very idiotic lol. Ive tried to see a doctor about anti depressants but my wife picks on me pretty hard every time I try to schedule an appointment. I think that once I can finally get out of college and build up my life I wont need them, but getting to that point is going to be hard.
  4. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Gee, Waugriff, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. And your wife is not helping. :eek:hmy:
    I'm a little skeptical about not needing a doctor when you graduate from college, though. Depression doesn't just go away by itself when you reach a magical place. :no: Your wife is just going to need to understand that you are ill and need to see a doctor. :yes:
    You didn't fail, though. it just isn't your turn to leave Earth, yet. Keep coming here and talking to us. Hopefully some loving support will help you. :hug:

    With love from Jolanta
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    If your un-happy with your marriage then why not divorce? How have you been conned into it?

    Heh, nothing wrong with being kind and considerate, you make it sound like it makes you a target for people to take advantage of you. You can be kinda and sincere while being tough and standing your own ground.

    Are you taking any medication, perhaps seeing a specialist may help.
  6. Waugriff

    Waugriff Active Member

    My wife has put me in a situation that I cant leave. I have no money, no bank account, no job, no drivers license, no car, no friends or family. I cant open a bank account or cash/deposite checks unless shes around to put it in her account. She has forced me to stay at home watching the kids 7 days a week for 14 hours, do all the chores in teh house aswell as go to school on her terms. If I where to leave I would littereally walk out the door naked with no idea where to go, call or even do thanks to her. Thats why I havent left. I love my kids so very much but I dont want them to learn that what mommy has done to me is okay. She is the reward I get for enduring so much pain.. I wish I had a gun, I dont have the nuts otehrwise to end this tourment.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your wife sounds like she very much likes to be in control of others...I guess you might say she likes to dominate?
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