Hi I am new to these forums and am fairly new to the internet outside of games aswell. I have been feeling so bad lately that I took the time to look up on google for sites that I could jsut talk on, and found this one. Please do not flame me or make fun of me, I cant really handle it at this point, so I am begging you not to. I am 25 and have a wife and 3 sons which I love very much, but things have changed over the years to slowly erode my soul. Awhile back I was a very power hungry person, all I could think about was how to control people and use them for my own personal gains, in short I was a real asshole. After I turned 19 that finally went away and now I am more considerate and kind to others than I probably should be. At one point in all my sadness I was desperate to try and find a way out, so I fought, and kept fighting. I would go into known gang hideouts and just attack there leaders, fighting like I was a monster. I took many beatings, some I came out ontop and others was beat to the point of serious hospitalization. But it never ended, after recovering I would do it all again, hoping that I would fall asleep at the hands of another. I didnt do it that way for glory or to seem cool so to speak, I did it that way because it was at the time the only thing that truely mattered to me, fighting others. I ended up getting conned into marrage (very long story) and fell in love with the 1 year old boy in need of help, he became my son and I his father. Now I am just a mere tool for my wife and am often left crying in the dark alone while my wife enjoys lifes rewards. The only thing that keeps me from going out now is the very few glints of hope I get when my kids are happy that daddy is around and not mommy. But in the end, failing my attempts has never made me look back and say Thank Goodness, but rather, damn it why did I fail. I hope that people who attempt and fail recover and feel better about failing, or even grateful that they failed. I have not after many years.