tried and failed

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Mr_Shifflett, Jul 4, 2010.

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  1. Mr_Shifflett

    Mr_Shifflett New Member

    i dont know where im going with this and i dont completely know why i even found this forum.

    my name is josh, im 25 from out of richmond va and <Mod Edit: Music:Methods>

    i guess from years of recreational drug use its just wasnt enough to put my body down.

    ive been dating the love of my life for 4 years as of the 14th of this month. i love her dearly thru the good and the bad, despite her depression and her self esteem issue dispite feeling as if shes better off with someone who doesnt care about her. the meer fact i love her makes her depressed in a sense that she cant understand how anyone could love her. ive always been a positive center to everything no matter what i never let anything get the better of me, or atleast thats the image i portray. u would think that my gf courtney would be the more likelyt candidate for suicide but ive always talked her out of horrible thoughts such as that. everytime she wished she didnt exist i tried my best to be there and convince her other wise.

    finally hit the point, i know its selfish my family loves me dearly they really do and i have a better relationship with my dad than most ppl, he always says im his whole world but despite that i tried anyway.

    last night me and courtney got to argueing again over somethin so small and she left me. said she doesnt know if she loves me anymore and that my feeling for her just make it worse. that she loved me so much once but i paniced at commitment and broke tings off for a month and she was forever changed, put up a barrier an was unable to love me the same again. i was scared to fall in love at first and then i relised it was a good thing to late. 3 years later here i am fighting for her love that she just wont allow to happen...i find out last year that durng our short break up she had sex with someone else. i was heartbroken but understand that she begged and begged me to come see her that night and i refused to because i wasnt ready...she took it as loosing me forever and reverted back to her jaded "whatever" attitude where whoever shows an interest or attention can do whatever they want with her. i feel shes worse off than i am but at the same time it ended up being me who tried to take my life. she said she had to leave me and that by the time she fucked someone else she would know for a fact she doesnt love me anymore. i begged for it not to go in that direction pleeded for her to just figure things out and to not wait till then to relise if she loved me or not because i wouldnt be able to take that kind of heartbreak again. that i knew deep down i wouldnt be able to look at her in the same loving way after something like that happened a secound time. she said no she had to leave that she felt empty and pointless and that having someone who didnt care about her would just be easier than having someone who does. i cried i begged but it was no use no changing her mind.

    she finally hung up and turned off her phone.

    shortly after a friend of mine stopped by, the former room mate whos gf originaly left the pills here when she left him. i tried to talk to him about it an all he could seem to do was say "here hit this joint" and then "i gotta go, fuck that bitch no1 needs anybody" then it was back to just me inside my own head.

    i live alone, i wor for my landlord, and i hate my job...i used to be self employeed but lost everything and have been fighting debt and tax issues ever sense. i dont know if thats significant at all but everything that comes to mind right now is just being typed out as i think it...

    shortly after my buddy left i was searching for asperin, i have regular migraines and had nothing to take, what i do find is a pill bottle with the label ripped off. various pain killers etc and alot of things i didnt take the time to find out what they were. abot 15 pills in total.

    <Mod Edit:Music:Methods> i washed it down witha warm bottle of water. mid way thru i relised what i had done trying to cllect my thoughts long enough to find out why i had done it. thought of my dad thought of courtney. thought of my freind billy who i grew up with that died 3 weeks ago, i thought of his son who i promised to take in come february. and then it came bk to courtney, i could see her doing the same thing i could see her jaded personality hurt inside but being mad for what i had done on the outside, calling me a hypocrite for stoping her so many times.

    i didnt care

    deep down i wanted this but it didnt happen the way it should have. im simply to resilient i guess. in my head i thought if i pass out im a gonner, thats it its done i didnt fight it. i start to feel sick to my stomach i wanan throw up but just dont seem to make it much farther than from the couch to the floor and i guess i black out. so i wake up today and i dont know how, i feel ill and shaky. i honestly should be able to even sit up let alone be breathing as far as im concerned. only thing i can make sense of is it must just be years of drug use on my side.

    i tried to call courtney, but i couldnt tell her what ive done and she wont answer. i get worried she made a similar move and callt he house and wake her up. the moment i hear her voice i start crying i poor my heart out and she breaks into tear and hangs up on me. i fear i made things worse even more so if she knew what i had done. i cant tell anyone i know. it defeats everything that ppl think they know about me. i couldnt take the stares the questions the criticisms.

    :something new: courtney just texted me as i was typin just now, i think shes worse off than i am but refuses to see me face to face or answer her phone, she mentioned shes looking for phenobarbytal, her dogs seizure meds and her moms xanax. what an awkward situation. here i am typing about trying to o d myself last night and find myself talking her out of it this very moment and still wishing those pills had put me down in the first place. i need to take this phone call

    i dont know where i was going with this. i have no1 to talk to about it all because i want no1 to know. nothings changed i still dont want to be here anymore.


    please spare me the religion, its not my religion and i do not wish to hear anything along the lines of find jesus. seriously that really doesnt help in the slightest.
    i dont even necessarily want help

    i jsut wanted this out there. to be somewhere other than inside my own head
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2010
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hi Mr_Shifflett
    I am sorry you have gone through this, but I am happy your still here with us.
    Dont think your a hypocryt for talking your gf out of killing herself, even tho you tried it last night, doesnt mean you dont have a right to try stop her.
    I'm happy you posted here, and got it all out of your system. It sounds like you took alot of pills. have you thought of going to your GP to see if you have done any damage to your kidneys/liver?
    you can pm me anytime
     
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