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Tried and failing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Aug 3, 2012.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    About a couple/few months ago i agreed to try therapy, but I feel like im only fucking myself up worse over it. I just want to run away when im im there, especially the last two appointments. My T wants to keep my mother in the room, but i just cant let myself open up with her in there. No matter what anyone says i dont trust my mother not to talk about it with SOMEONE. She always does. I dread the appointments because i feel like im trapped, cant get away and suffocating. When she offers the suggestions i find if difficult if not impossible to try to apply them when im at home.... and its frustrating to me because im finally putting the effort into it and i just feel like im sliding backwards. I like my therapist i just dont think im therapy material so to speak. i wish i could make more sense of everything in my head, or be able to express myself better, but im just unable to, and it shows because after these months i feel like she still doesnt understand me.... i dont feel anyone has ever really understood me.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: i feel the same.. only more to the effect no.one believes me and have all been very fake.. i used to not have any words to describe emotions but now i have some.. but recently new stuff going on and again a loss of words to explain it.. :( i hope maybe sometime you could speak privately to your therapist.. it msy be a lot better.. is there any way you can somehow do that? I know u said she wont.. but idk :(
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Therapy will always make you feel worse, before it makes you feel better. There are, unfortunately, things about therapy and "help" that people never really tell you, or talk about. They always talk about how you should get help, and listen to the professionals, and all those great things... but when someone is finally in therapy, they never really talk about how you can actually feel much worse.

    Therapy makes you basically confront your demons head on. It challenges all of the avoidance that we have been doing for years. It almost punishes us even. I am not trying to make therapy out to be the bad guy, but it should be fair knowledge to you, at least that what you just described is NORMAL to feel when you are getting into therapy.

    If anything, I am sure you have left therapy many times by now and felt probably utterly suicidal, utterly lonely...and more so than you ever did before?

    Talking about our problems in that setting, and bringing it up to someone whose job it is to basically pick it apart and judge it, and break it down; is a task that our mind will obviously feel daunted by. That's a very scary reality.

    I mentioned in another post, I honestly, and truly think that everything you are saying here, in the written word, could not communicate better honestly, to a therapist what you really need, and what you are looking for right now.

    After all, YOU are going to the therapist for you, at the end of the day....to help yourself, to have YOUR needs met. This means that you are ALLOWED to ask for different things in therapy, or different directions. You are allowed to QUESTION if the current direction is what you need. You are absolutely allowed to do this. Do not forget that this therapist is there to help you, but they are still a paid party... they are not volunteering their time entirely... which means that since you are investing in them both in your time and financially (maybe parents pay, or a service pays, or some kind of deal here) but still.... this person is paid to get you the help you need.

    Therapists may try what they feel will work at first, but it's absolutely al right for you to say that certain aspects are not working for you, and say why. It's alright for you to say that the pressure to talk in front of your Mom doesn't work yet, that you need time alone with the therapist before you can bring your Mom back in again.

    When you write this post, you are really beating yourself up, but honestly everything you said makes sense. It's not working for you... the therapy methods. It's making you feel mistrustful, and it makes you close up. OBVIOUSLY no therapist wants that result... a therapist needs to develop methods that help you open up, in a safe environment. You don't feel safe with your Mom's third degree each time.

    It is not bad to tell your therapist that you need to have some therapy time alone... just the two of you, for personal things that go beyond your Mom. The stress you feel, should be made known to your therapist. The backward sliding feeling, is coming from the fact that right now you are working backward, because your therapist doesn;t know these things are bothering you like they truly are.

    Is there a way for you to send these posts through email to your therapist secretly, or even to call your therapist and leave a message...and just make the message saying something like you'd like a private session, alone with them... At least give yourself the chance to be heard in that area. Also, does your mother know that she is breaking your trust by telling others about something that you take very personally and privately?

    Have you sat down and discussed with her how it makes you feel when she does that?

    It should also be noted that another reason why therapy "feels" bad and feels backward, is because every single time we sit in there and discuss things that are difficult for us, our mind goes to work and digs deeper, secretly. Our subconscious mind then begins to pull up past events, past feelings, past memories, snippets of time, snippets of faces...smells...sights...sounds... This leads to an overwhelming feeling, because suddenly we may feel like crap, and not be able to explain it now.

    Or we may get hostile toward certain people, or with certain triggers that otherwise were long since buried. So every time you go into that session with your Mom, I imagine your brain is working overtime to think of that very subject and the things at home etc... i.e. why I said it gets worse before it gets better, because it drags up many things at once.

    But that also means that it's working. I know that sounds kind of ironic... but that's a foward step, for the brain to do that, and for you to react that way. The key after that is sorting it all, and determining what the real triggers are, and figuring out your complexes, and core values etc... so that it's much better understood.

    I know you kind of suggested in another post that perhaps you don't even understand a certain side of yourself right now, but you will feel so much better when you finally get to see where that side came from, and get to know WHY it's there, and don't just feel like it's an unwanted guest, and something that isn't "you". It's so much nicer to understand why we do what we do... so that we can really help control our future better to, by tailoring it to the needs that we now understand as well.

    That kind of reality CAN come from therapy, but obviously not with the hostile situation you described. It's fair to yourself to tell your therapist the truth... but perhaps not in front of your mother. It's also fair to ask for an "alone" session, in confidentiality...where you can just talk alone...and let it out. Again, your posts really speak lots, and would be so useful to your therapist if they could see them, it would tell them a lot of things that I don't imagine anyone knows still. Things that are important to you... things that you need.

    Your needs ARE important here. Remember that, this entire session is all about YOU. Not your mom, no the therapist...just about you. It's ok to ask...and make known your needs.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2012
  4. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    it sounds so stupid and pitiful, but im honestly scared to voice what i feel or want..... because ive always learned that "i dont know what i want" or "im too young to know how i feel" and i have the rediculous fear of making it known.... i have an appointment tues... but i honestly just dont want to go because i know ill feel like shit the whole time.
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Could you even possibly slip your therapist a note? I used to write those sometimes because I couldn't explain how I felt in words out loud.. :( I hope you can find some way to feel more comfortable.. :hug: