Tried offing myself twice, hoping the third time is the charm.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JacAZ, Jan 9, 2012.

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  1. JacAZ

    JacAZ New Member

    Background info:

    So I've tried to do away with myself twice. I won't go into details as per forum rules, but the second time got me in the hospital ICU and then a psych hospital. I'm 28 years old, and I've been seeing various therapists (psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors) since I was 18. I did all right in college, no big trouble, but then i got hit really hard by depression back in 2009. It's been clinging on to me ever since. I had it diagnosed as severe clinical depression by several doctors, and put on medication for a while. I went off the medication at my doctor's advisement, and have been mostly okay, with periodical bad spells that range in severity from slightly bummed to intense self-hatred and despair and wanting to end it immediately.

    Why I want to die:

    As I said, I'm 28. I'm also a virgin. I've had two dates in ten years, neither of them went well. I am not obese, nor even significantly overweight. I do not have Asperger's or autism or any other kind of mental/social disorder (aside from severe clinical depression). When I am being truly honest with myself, I can admit that I am not unusually ugly. Several people (not personal acquaintences, just random people at work, or on the net) have even told me I'm handsome (I don't always believe them, but they insist). I do not live with family and I am not poor. I'm actually quite well-off financially (especially in the current economy). I'm even a good conversationalist and can make men and women around me laugh easily. I'm quite funny, really! I'm not saying any of this to boast or brag, merely to paint a picture.

    I cannot figure out why no women on OKCupid, or Plenty of Fish, or any of the other dozen or so dating websites I've tried never respond to me. I don't know why the women I talk to in bars seem quite happy to have a platonic conversation with me, but flatly refuse anything beyond that.

    I have no confidence with women, and basically, I don't feel like an adult. I've lived overseas for a year, on my own. I've paid my bills, graduated college, paid off my car, rented my own home, gotten my own job, done my taxes, and a lot of other things adults do. But I feel like i'm stuck being a little boy, that nothing matters, that i'm just a kid playing house, that I'm a failure as a man, because I cannot attract a woman. I have no confidence in myself, period. I am always berating myself and telling myself what a failure i am, how ugly I am, how broken I am, because I cannot do what EVERYBODY else can do.

    Thirteen year old children can go on dates. Members of hate groups like the KKK can get girlfriends. Abusive, mysoginistic bullies can get married. Obese slobs get one night stands. I cannot. I can't do any of that. It's like a roadblock to the rest of my life. It's such a common thing, and getting laid, or getting a significant other just happens naturally for people in high school or in college. they don't stress over it. they don't go to a counselor for it.

    "But Jac," you may be about to say, "People go seek therapy for their relationships all the time!" And I would say yes, they do, but not because THEY'VE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP EVER AND THEY'RE ALMOST THIRTY YEARS OLD. Do you see the difference? I realize, break-ups happen. really messy, heart-wrenching break-ups happen. People write songs and make movies about that stuff.

    They do not make songs and movies about being a pathetic failure of a man who has never had any intimacy in his life and is well into manhood (except "40-year-old Virgin" but the entire concept of that film is that it's laughable for a man to be a virgin past the age of 21, let alone 40).

    This is not something I can commiserate over friends with. It is not even something I can admit to them. I carry this alone.

    So I'm tired of being the perpetual boy, telling myself I'm just a broken screw-up that has no worth, because no one will find worth in me. These are a teenager's problems. Children worry about getting laid before they finish high school, not grown men. This is just too much shame to lug around anymore.

    What I have done to try and improve my situation:

    I have been to professionals, as I've said. I have taken their advice. Many of them tell me that it doesn't matter that I haven't had sex yet, but it does. It doesn't matter to others because it's such a common aspect of adult life, like getting your first job, or paying your own rent, or buying your first legal beer in a bar. Those things are common, expected experiences for an adult. So don't tell me it doesn't matter or it isn't important because it is.

    I have been working out, regularly, for the past 2 years, and watching my diet. I've shed 30+ pounds and kept it off, gained quite a bit of visible muscle too. Exercising also releases endorphins, but that hasn't chased my depression off.

    I have left my comfort zone and actively approached women in bars, clubs, etc. They smile at me and we talk, and I have even gotten several phone numbers. But it's always to be friends, or they start ignoring me after a while.

    I have even considered buying an escort, and here's why I haven't done it so far: because most people (almost all of them) do not have to stoop to paying for their first time. Like I said earlier, it just happens for them. If I have to pay for my first time, say to get my confidence up, then it's worthless. My confidence following the act will crumble because I had to buy what almost everybody else gets for free. But now we come to an unfortunate cycle:
    I am nervous about being miserable at sex so my confidence with women is low-->They ignore/refuse me because I have low confidence-->My confidence around women diminishes further due to rejection, repeat ad nauseum

    It's an inescapable cycle, and the only way out is to die.

    Wrap it up

    I actually don't want to die. It will hurt my family and friends, and I'd like to stick around and write more books (I've written five novels, several short stories. the novels have yet to see the printed page, but the short stories have won me contests and been published in magazines), and I want to see the world. But none of that, absolutely none of it, will matter or be enjoyable if I'm doing it alone. If I continue to be a failure as a man. And even though I don't want to die, I want to live like that even less.

    Worse, as time goes on, and I keep getting more and more frustrated with my constant string of failure despite my best efforts, i'm starting to feel like I want to hurt others. That guy over there, he's ugly and stupid and an alcoholic. Why the heck does he have a girlfriend? I think I'd like to kill him. That woman, she's looked down her nose at me. why? Why am i not good enough for you?

    I do not want to hurt others. I have those flashes of anger and i feel immediately ill at the prospect of making anybody else feel pain, let alone killing them. Most of the time the mere idea of punching someone makes me queasy. But every now and then, I just really want to lash out at them before I punch my own ticket.

    I won't let that happen. i will kill myself before i ever hurt somebody else.

    So death it is.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    But death will be hurting more the you know someone more then just one. If you have a anger problem the get help to deal with that anger so you don't lash out and hurt someone
    I did not meet the one i married until i was 28 You have time but you are trying perhaps to hard instead of just living and enjoying life you are wrapped up in so much worry abt what is not you cannot see what will be. You keep putting your self into areas of your interest you will find someone with same passion who will see your specialness Don't give up hope so quickly hun okay hugs
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I've been on both OKCupid and POF before. It probably has nothing to do with you, women are picky in general and most of the guys on there face the same problem as you, hence why OKC added the feature of showing how often someone responds to their messages. The type of message that I personally would respond to is if the person showed interest in my whole profile, asked me questions about what I wrote, sounded intelligent (used proper grammar and spelling and decent sentence structure), and their immediate intention wasn't necessarily to meet me because, to women, that usually signifies wanting to get into someone's pants. I don't know what kind of messages you send out so I can't say for sure, but if you give me an example of one, maybe I could tell you what's wrong with it and what you can change to make the person more likely to respond. Anyway, don't lose hope. I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years with a person I met on POF. So, it can happen.
  4. JacAZ

    JacAZ New Member

    Yes, but I doubt that was the first relationship you'd been in, right? Look, I'm not seeking true love or a perfect marriage or anything like that. Just a woman who I don't have to pay who values me as a human and lets me be intimate with her because she wants me to be.

    Also, "Don't give up hope so quickly?" Excuse me? I've been trying to get a date since I was 16. That's TWELVE YEARS. I've been severely depressed for over 3 years. That's not "Giving up so quickly," that's being worn down by a very long struggle with no end in sight and wanting to rest.
  5. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I think your depression is the answer, why would I have sex if I wasnt okay? Ive been through a lot myself and tried to kill myself last in July by taking an overdose but failed. I still want to die though because its hard to go on and just live, the hardest.
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Jac,

    Truly, I do not have any answers, and I'm not here to persuade you....but I wanted to welcome you to this site. I do hope you benefit from being here. In a way more than words can convey, I am sorry you are struggling so much, and that the lack of a long-lasting relationship has compounded your misery. I know you do not see any way out but through suicide; however, I hope things start to look up a bit soon, no matter how unlikely that may seem. :hug:

  7. JacAZ

    JacAZ New Member

    As I've said, the depression is fairly recent, just the last three years. So that isn't an excuse for the several years before it hit that I wasn't attracting anybody.
  8. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    It may not mean much, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I'm in the same situation. I'm 28 and I've only had two dates. I've never got far in either one. Friends and family try to tell me "it's ok because there's more important stuff then that."

    I can't really say anything that will change it. But I did want to say that I know what you're going through. And even if it really doesn't help I just wanted to say that you're not alone!
  9. JacAZ

    JacAZ New Member

    Thanks Sara.

    I bolded part of your quote because it's important. I know that sex and having a boy/girlfriend are not the end all, be all of existence. But not having EVER had either creates a severe mental roadblock to enjoying all life has to offer. Imagine going up to a starving child and saying, "There's more important things than food." Which is a true statement. Food is not the center of the universe, but NOT having it consumes you. When you are starving you're not thinking about other things that are more important, you're thinking about FOOD.

    Give that same starving kid a decent meal and then he can function normally: go to school, build up a good life for himself. But if you don't, he's just going to keep thinking about how frigging hungry he is until he wastes away.
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