Background info: So I've tried to do away with myself twice. I won't go into details as per forum rules, but the second time got me in the hospital ICU and then a psych hospital. I'm 28 years old, and I've been seeing various therapists (psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors) since I was 18. I did all right in college, no big trouble, but then i got hit really hard by depression back in 2009. It's been clinging on to me ever since. I had it diagnosed as severe clinical depression by several doctors, and put on medication for a while. I went off the medication at my doctor's advisement, and have been mostly okay, with periodical bad spells that range in severity from slightly bummed to intense self-hatred and despair and wanting to end it immediately. Why I want to die: As I said, I'm 28. I'm also a virgin. I've had two dates in ten years, neither of them went well. I am not obese, nor even significantly overweight. I do not have Asperger's or autism or any other kind of mental/social disorder (aside from severe clinical depression). When I am being truly honest with myself, I can admit that I am not unusually ugly. Several people (not personal acquaintences, just random people at work, or on the net) have even told me I'm handsome (I don't always believe them, but they insist). I do not live with family and I am not poor. I'm actually quite well-off financially (especially in the current economy). I'm even a good conversationalist and can make men and women around me laugh easily. I'm quite funny, really! I'm not saying any of this to boast or brag, merely to paint a picture. I cannot figure out why no women on OKCupid, or Plenty of Fish, or any of the other dozen or so dating websites I've tried never respond to me. I don't know why the women I talk to in bars seem quite happy to have a platonic conversation with me, but flatly refuse anything beyond that. I have no confidence with women, and basically, I don't feel like an adult. I've lived overseas for a year, on my own. I've paid my bills, graduated college, paid off my car, rented my own home, gotten my own job, done my taxes, and a lot of other things adults do. But I feel like i'm stuck being a little boy, that nothing matters, that i'm just a kid playing house, that I'm a failure as a man, because I cannot attract a woman. I have no confidence in myself, period. I am always berating myself and telling myself what a failure i am, how ugly I am, how broken I am, because I cannot do what EVERYBODY else can do. Thirteen year old children can go on dates. Members of hate groups like the KKK can get girlfriends. Abusive, mysoginistic bullies can get married. Obese slobs get one night stands. I cannot. I can't do any of that. It's like a roadblock to the rest of my life. It's such a common thing, and getting laid, or getting a significant other just happens naturally for people in high school or in college. they don't stress over it. they don't go to a counselor for it. "But Jac," you may be about to say, "People go seek therapy for their relationships all the time!" And I would say yes, they do, but not because THEY'VE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP EVER AND THEY'RE ALMOST THIRTY YEARS OLD. Do you see the difference? I realize, break-ups happen. really messy, heart-wrenching break-ups happen. People write songs and make movies about that stuff. They do not make songs and movies about being a pathetic failure of a man who has never had any intimacy in his life and is well into manhood (except "40-year-old Virgin" but the entire concept of that film is that it's laughable for a man to be a virgin past the age of 21, let alone 40). This is not something I can commiserate over friends with. It is not even something I can admit to them. I carry this alone. So I'm tired of being the perpetual boy, telling myself I'm just a broken screw-up that has no worth, because no one will find worth in me. These are a teenager's problems. Children worry about getting laid before they finish high school, not grown men. This is just too much shame to lug around anymore. What I have done to try and improve my situation: I have been to professionals, as I've said. I have taken their advice. Many of them tell me that it doesn't matter that I haven't had sex yet, but it does. It doesn't matter to others because it's such a common aspect of adult life, like getting your first job, or paying your own rent, or buying your first legal beer in a bar. Those things are common, expected experiences for an adult. So don't tell me it doesn't matter or it isn't important because it is. I have been working out, regularly, for the past 2 years, and watching my diet. I've shed 30+ pounds and kept it off, gained quite a bit of visible muscle too. Exercising also releases endorphins, but that hasn't chased my depression off. I have left my comfort zone and actively approached women in bars, clubs, etc. They smile at me and we talk, and I have even gotten several phone numbers. But it's always to be friends, or they start ignoring me after a while. I have even considered buying an escort, and here's why I haven't done it so far: because most people (almost all of them) do not have to stoop to paying for their first time. Like I said earlier, it just happens for them. If I have to pay for my first time, say to get my confidence up, then it's worthless. My confidence following the act will crumble because I had to buy what almost everybody else gets for free. But now we come to an unfortunate cycle: I am nervous about being miserable at sex so my confidence with women is low-->They ignore/refuse me because I have low confidence-->My confidence around women diminishes further due to rejection, repeat ad nauseum It's an inescapable cycle, and the only way out is to die. Wrap it up I actually don't want to die. It will hurt my family and friends, and I'd like to stick around and write more books (I've written five novels, several short stories. the novels have yet to see the printed page, but the short stories have won me contests and been published in magazines), and I want to see the world. But none of that, absolutely none of it, will matter or be enjoyable if I'm doing it alone. If I continue to be a failure as a man. And even though I don't want to die, I want to live like that even less. Worse, as time goes on, and I keep getting more and more frustrated with my constant string of failure despite my best efforts, i'm starting to feel like I want to hurt others. That guy over there, he's ugly and stupid and an alcoholic. Why the heck does he have a girlfriend? I think I'd like to kill him. That woman, she's looked down her nose at me. why? Why am i not good enough for you? I do not want to hurt others. I have those flashes of anger and i feel immediately ill at the prospect of making anybody else feel pain, let alone killing them. Most of the time the mere idea of punching someone makes me queasy. But every now and then, I just really want to lash out at them before I punch my own ticket. I won't let that happen. i will kill myself before i ever hurt somebody else. So death it is.