Tried to attempt suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sephy, Jan 20, 2013.

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  1. Sephy

    Sephy New Member

    I tried it 8 hours ago. Took <mod edit - methods> And went to sleep. Slept for 5 hours. Nothing much happened. Feel a little different. But nothing much else. Guess it wasn't enough.

    Why i did this? Well...

    I´m male & 20 years old. A student. I've felt different from the rest my entire life. Problem isn't related on how i look. I consider myself handsome. So do others. But i´ve been alone most of my life. People are wierd. They don't even try to make connections. No effort what so ever. Only thing i have ever wanted was not to be alone. I have no best friends. No one to talk too. No one ever contacts me. On how you do - "Want to hang out?" I have so many acquaintances. But that's it. I can read on 1 hand those who have gotten closer to me than a mere acquaintance."

    I promised myself. That when i find a girlfriend. I will be supportive, kind, loving. Literally do anything. And never let go.

    A Year & half ago. I found that person. She was funny & different in her own way. I loved her. Still do.

    It was my first serious relationship. On first few months. Everything was fine. Best time of my life. Then i started to notice things. She yelled at me. Quite a lot. Even after i did something sweet. She also yells at her parents if she wants something. Like "Make tea". "Go to store & bring me this". It was weird at first. But my love towards her blinded me. My classmates even asked - "What do you see in her?" I remained silent or responded. "I know the side of her that you don't."

    I went & lived with her & her parents for half a year. She didn't live a very luxurious life. But that didn't bother me. I went there. Because she lost her computer in an unfortunate event. I brought mine & tried to make her happy. For half a year I couldn't listen music out loud. Cause her mother thinks its noise & doesn't stand it. I couldn't use my computer because i was kind & let her use it instead. For half a year i starved, cause that family doesn't make dinner or eat together. They eat each when they feel like it. And the food. Was just weird. I don't know how they have survived so long. I survived cause i went to work in a security firm for the summer & made money for myself.

    In short. I sacrificed so many things, so that she can be happy. I starved. Put her needs before mine. Forgot the word "comfort". Just so that i could sleep, next to her & put my arms around her. I have done thousand good deeds for her. But from her to me. I could hardly remember hundred.

    She was following an MMO release. Guild Wars 2. Introduced it to me. She said "I want to play this together with you when it comes out". When it finally came out. She forgot me entirely. Made new friends. 90% of them boys. Started to flirt with them. Chat with them. Even went to another country & see them. While lying to me, that she went to see her grandma in another town. I found it out the same day she went. Cause i´m not stupid. And when she got back. She didn't even apologise. She didn't try to comfort me after that neither. Just left the problem up in the air, like nothing happened.

    Finally, it had been 6 months. I helped her get a computer. One that cost 1800 €. Put it together myself. So yea... It was time for me to go back home. This is where she thinks things went wrong. She thinks that i left her. I just moved back with my parents to enjoy life a little. I didn't live far away. But she said "This is the time where i got over you. I don't feel love towards you any more." I don't get it... I just moved back after helping her out. I didn't leave her q.q

    Anyways. I feel used. I still love her. Even knowing what a Monster she is. Pure Evil i'd say. Its hard. She is my first love. But i´m so tired of living. This world. Its isn't for me. I don't like it. Study, so that you can work your ass off your entire life. Just to get by.

    I want a world with possibilities. Like "Naruto" or "One Piece". I know its weird. But i still want that. I want adventures. Its hard to be so weak & powerless.

    I´m sorry for the long post. Don't know any other way to give an image on what has happened. There is so much more to say. But i have to stop on some point.

    I´m a kind person. Just tired of being alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2013
  2. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    Hey Sephy, it hurts terribly to lose a relationship, even a bad. Give it some time and distance. You're young, there will be another and possibly that one will be The One. Or not, but if you don't ever get there, how will you know? You might get hurt again also, it's part of the human condition. But maybe next go round, you'll be a little less likely to let her treat you poorly.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You sound like a very kind-hearted person. To be honest, maybe I am wrong, but I think people have sort of lost communications skills due to sites such as twitter and facebook. When I was in college last year this was something we talked about, and I believe it to be true.

    You also sound like an interesting person, and I'm sure a woman would be lucky to have you! So just be yourself, play it cool.. and I am sure it will come in time, just make sure SHE deserves you! :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WEll hun i for one am glad you moved back home where you are loved and are treated with kindness and respect. She was USING YOU hun she does not deserve any more of you time or your tears hun Let her go so you can connect with someone that will bring you JOY and happiness and true love Put your self out there ok meet new people and take from this experiance knowledge to never let anyone use you or abuse you like that again
     
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    It definitely sounds to me like she was taking advantage of you and manipulating you.
     
  6. Sephy

    Sephy New Member

    I lived my suicide attempt. Not sure if it had any long term effects regarding my health. Only time will tell. It changed my view on some things. So I am kinda happy.

    I still have a year left until i finish the school. But we both go to the same class. So its hard. She keeps clinging towards me. Saying "I like to be together with you, but not sexually." At the same time flirting with others over her phone. She wants to have me around, even trying to get me in bed just to sleep together so that she doesn't feel alone. But that isn't a relationship. I feel like a teddy bear or a cat that has to be around so that she feels good about herself. While she isn't doing anything for my happiness.

    I didn't like it. So today I said "No, this kind of behaviour stops now. Its time for me to move on." I see how things are & trying to move on seems to be the best thing to do. It's hard. I can't turn my love towards her off like that. Hope in time, it fades. Reminding myself how things were will help. Cause they truly were awful.

    So, these are my most recent happenings in life. I am grateful for all the reply's. Loved them. They help a lot.
     
  7. Sephy

    Sephy New Member

    Yesterday i went to Hospital. To check out how i am. After 4 hours. Turns out i´m fine. No liver or kidney damage. Everything was at normal. I was lucky.

    I'm relieved. My attempt a week ago has changed my view on things. And i´m happier thanks to that. I´m glad i can live my everyday life.

    Everyone. Thank you for the support. Some kind & interesting souls here. Keep doing what you do.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am very glad to hear you are doing better! :hug: Keep up the good work =)
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have your heath and it sounds like you are pulling yourself together. This girl sound like someone you are better off without. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Some day you will meet the person of your dreams and wonder why you ever got involved with this other girl to begin with. Best wishes for a happy future Sephy.
     
  10. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Hi Sephy, I can see that you're maturing based on your posts above its a good thing to see. Girls can be very seductive creatures but you have to remember that they are flawed and human like the rest of us. Also when you give yourself completely to someone else, they eventually will start treating your like a doormat. Because you lacked other friends and support, you became more dependent on her and she might've started seeing you like her poodle. You just need to build your confidence and self-esteem and also to consider how your actions will be judged by others and come to affect you. I'm very glad that you are still healthy after your attempt. I hope that these recent experiences have made you wiser and to learn to take care of yourself in every way.

    As for work, I do agree with you. I got a good education that I worked very hard to get but ended up in a shit job (due to bad circumstances) and have been trying to move up since. Meanwhile I have friends who went into medicine and other fields and they're living the kind of life that I felt I deserved and worked towards. Life can be incredibly unfair but we all have to struggle hard to get anywhere. If suicide was easy I would've done it already due to the hardships I've gone through. But at this point I'm trying to at least be middle-class to get some of main things I wanted out of life.
     
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