*trigering* my struggle of 14 years too now..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dontwannabeme, Oct 3, 2010.

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  1. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    Hey all,

    I dunno where too begin...
    It basicly began as my parents divorced when i was about 7-8.
    My father emotionally abused my mother so she couldnt handle it anymore.
    I cant remember alot of my childhood only the fights and the pulling ect on us as kids.
    My father never really got over my mother basicly and still holds a grudge.
    My mother has her own life it doesnt really include me.
    I get a phone call maybe once a month thats it and its ok.
    My family doesnt see me they dont care for me.
    My birthdays are always in fights who can have it they dont care about the birthday they care who gets it. have there way.
    My father is i think what you call a emotional abuser, manupilative and sadly abuse drinking as his escape too reality.
    When i was young i took on the care of my father no matter how he made me feel with his mood swings ect.
    Its my father after all. Then it went all downhill from then on.
    I first couldnt do my favorite sports anymore as my knees are bad so i am not alowed too do anymore heavy sports.
    My father has diabetes and it has been very rough i even had too watch him collapse on the road when we were walking the dog.
    One of my best friends i lost too useless voilence. witch i still cannot get over.
    It went a bit better with me untill 1 month ago.
    My birthday was coming up and my mother basicly wanted too celebrate it .
    So i went too my father and said hey this is going on ectra.
    I always try too bring it as gently as possible cause i know if i say 1 thing wrong its crisis.
    He got into a state saying he doesnt wanna celebrate it if he couldnt have it.
    He didnt care otherwise.
    So after 14 years of misery of the whole odeal i go into a state finally after all that time.
    And he basicly said its not my fault.
    Its your and your mothers fault.....
    At that moment my hart was broken beyond repair.
    I went back in my room and just stared i couldnt feel anything.
    I sat out my window ready too just jump out.
    All my life i was haning on too hope of one day i would have the strenght too say what i felt. what he put me through. that one day it would change.
    But it just got shatterd he doesnt see hes wrong.
    He doesnt care what hes putting me thruw.
    All the things in my life are for my family im a person that dedicated his whole life too them.
    And theres just nothing left for me now.
    Im just not me anymore.
    And its not just him.
    Too give you a example of my family my 18th birthday should have been the best day of my life.
    It turned out too be the worst when they didnt even notice me that day i was standing in the garden waiting for evryone too sing ect.
    They didnt notice me they didnt even notice for 5 hours when i was gone.
    Thats there love for me. ty :)
    SO now after 14 years of hell and pain trouble and fighting.
    I give up on it.
    Yes i have tried all the medication and yes ive tried too see all the things there are.
    Life means nothing too me if you cant get love from your own flesh and blood.
    I have 2 more missions too fulfill then i will be at peace.
    My life has been of that pain and sorrow i never felt happiness im just tired of all the lieing and faking my happyniss.
    Im tired of having too wake up with the knowing today is gonna be another day a piece of my heart is gonna be broken or ripped out.
    Like my other thread end of the road, There is nothing for me here but the 2 missions i am left with.
    I hope i can find my peace somewhere else but i cant be worse then i am now.

    ty for your time.
    signed
    Dontwannabeme
     
  2. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Hi D,

    I finally confronted my dad with the truth of what he'd put me through 3yrs ago and he doesn't speak to me anymore. The loss is his, not mine. He cannot see what he did to my mother and myself as being in anyway wrong. My mother died 14 weeks ago. Before she died she asked me to forgive her for what she and my father had done to me. She went on to say that she felt as if they had done well by my three siblings, but she hated herself for what they had failed to do for me.

    The unfortunate truth of the matter is that people are so caught up in their own wish for happiness they blame everyone around them when things go wrong and lets be honest about this things DO go wrong. That's why the divorce rate is so high, why relationships break down.

    What peace are you looking for? peace of conscience, peace of mind or peace for your soul? True peace doesn't fail in adversity, but strengthens us by it's resilience. That's how we know it's the real thing and not a fake.

    Cheers, H.

    PS my 18th was the pits.
     
  3. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    i think peace in my experience is having no more sorrow, no worries, not going too bed with worries how the next might be
     
  4. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I was reading Robinson Crusoe last year. The guy was the sole survivor in a ship wreck and ended up calling the Island that was his safe haven, ''Despair''. For a long time his main worry was that snakes or wild beats would devour him him while he slept and so he made his bed in trees. It was a year or so later that he finally came to the knowledge that there were no snakes or wild beasts on the Island and that his constant worrying had been a waste of time and energy.

    The cure for sorrow and worries is not peace, but contentment and that contentment brings peace.
     
  5. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    what if you cannot have contempt,
    I mean if you look at your life what you have accomplished what you actually matter too people.
     
  6. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Hi D,

    Contentment can only be found in the moment in which we are living. It's not in the past and it's not in the future. Contentment is now and contentment should not be affected by what others think. Contentment has a lot to do with being grateful for what we have no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.
    I was with a client about three months ago he was 92 yrs of age and was still active in the local community. Before I left he said to me, ''if you ever reach 92yrs Huw you'll realise one thing. How quickly life goes by''.
    He's right of course, but there are times when life seems to slow down and that's the stage you're at. Problems seem like mountains you can't climb and what I normally do when that happens is walk around it and enjoy the view.

    My greatest accomplishment was getting through today. If tomorrow arrives I do my best to get through that, but at the moment my thoughts are still on today and in particular you. I wish I could just reach into your life and make it all better for you, but that is impossible. What I can do is tell you the truth about life and that it is a struggle, but it's not impossible.

    Enjoy the rest of the day and don't even think about tomorrow.
     
  7. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    i Hear you :)
    But i just cant handle the fight evry day over and over again.
    It just has too stop i cant take it anymore.
    I just wanna have a day in my life.
    1 day where i wake up and there is nothing i have too worrie about but there will never be.
     
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i just wanted to say how sorry i am that your family has been so cruel to you. you deserve better. sending a big hug your way, if okay.
     
  9. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    thnx dazzle
    The thing i hope too achieve with this thread is that people in the same position do not make the same mistake as me and stay till its too late.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You deserve better than that Leo...I know you love your Father but he does sound like he's manipulating you and still trying to control your Mother by causing a fuss on your birthday....
    It's not about you it's about them still doing what they always did to each other..
    If your Mother wants to celebrate your birthday can you go without your fathers blessings?
    go have a good time and forget about him for a while..maybe suggest next year it's his turn to celebrate with you...


    The thing i hope too achieve with this thread is that people in the same position do not make the same mistake as me and stay till its too late.

    why do you think it's too late?
     
  11. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    i think for me its too late as i already have plans now.
    I have no hope anymore.
    Witch i had 2 years ago :(
    Im not even feeling me anymore i just feel broken :(
     
  12. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    It's very positive to be sharing your problems here with us. This is all virtual, nobody knows each other, we're too far away, isolated, but we have something in common, we're surviving our feelings.
    Sometimes we can't do it with the people we know, sometimes they don't understand and even if they do understand, if they went through similar experiences, they never had it the way that you did.
    I really hope that you find some joy in the middle of that sorrow and preocupation. You could try doing something different today, like, go for a walk, stop wherever you feel good and absorb the good things the world has for you :)
     
  13. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    I just wonder what the use of it all is.
    I mean i can go on and on about how i hate life and how i find it unfair but in the end who cares...
    We all die one day just some die sooner then the other.
    I just dont feel too do anything anymore if i walk outside i just look at the sky and think how nice it would be too be there.
    If i play a game i just stand still in it and do nothing.
     
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    we care here because we understand that feeling.....so keep fighting because those feelings can change...
    It's never too late to change those plans you have to die.....you are a kind , caring person that's obvious from the fact you look after your father....the world needs more of people like you....
    keep reaching out here ...and I hope you find something to inspire you..
     
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