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TRIGGER; feels like a crisis

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#1
It's been at least a month since I've slept much or ate well. I can barely keep myself together, it's taking me longer to type this... I can't think straight. I've tried my anxiety med, it isn't working.
I got off the antidepressant a month before this blow up with the bf who didn't tell me when he left that he was moving out, leaving me to scramble to get a place...... I've called, searched, shelters, for rooms available to no avail. I'm panicking. My son has blown up and we had a noise complaint which will certainly make this impossible to stay long now, maybe any day they will knock on the door and ask us to leave the premises as I didn't co sign a lease, just an agreement with the bf that I payed rent and gas money to. He got fed up, we fought so much for almost a year.... I kept hanging on stupidly for hope. He's gone. I feel desperate, so desperate and hopeless that thoughts of wanting to harm myself come often now.

I need sleep, I just took a half antidepressant hoping, praying I will sleep. At least if I sleep I can think a bit straighter. I wish my family was supportive, One older sister who assaulted me a few
years ago, but did apologize. A brother who thinks he can control me and keep me out of my dad's home, where him and my older son live rent free. I feel defeated. I was always the black sheep. I could do nothing good in anyones eyes. My mother, when I was 17, well she always ignored me and was abusive, wrote a note on my bed that said "Insert my name here NNNNN
YOU ARE GROSS!!!! Underlined in big letters. I had just started dating and stayed out late, I guess I knew they thought I'd slept with my bf.... they were strict christians. I hadn't slept with him. I was so hurt by both my parents, another night I came home late and dad came out with a baseball bat threatening me and my boyfriend "get in the house YOU SLUT!!"

F my life. I'm so tired. I'm 52 and cant ever feel peace. The only time of my life that began to feel good was with this boyfirend in the first few years things were good, at least fairly good. He kept telling me he loved me...... hugging me, and I had never felt that loved before like that. Now he doesn't love me anymore...... I'm lost. I think I should have put this in the my story part? I'm sorry for writing so much.... I feel like curling into a ball and sinking into the ground now. Forgive me for sharing such bad things. Someone please put a trugger on here? I don't know how. Thank you all here.... I am glad to have found somewhere where maybe someone in this world hears me. Hugs to all suffering
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#5
You sound like a really good person @toomuchreality but you've had so many abusive people in your life you are doubting yourself. If you were the black sheep in a family like that, be proud you weren't like them, be proud of who you are. I hope you can get a place and get settled. Take care *hug
Thank you Blue Green,
I have problems with shame and guilt in my life. I'm far from good, and when I'm wrong or hurt someone in any way I struggle with forgiving myself. Sometimes I tell myself "I am a survivor", not a victim. Reminds me of a song I want to listen to now. Thank you for hoping I get a place and settled... I'll be calling the shelters daily as per their instructions.... I called twice now and that is their answer, not a bed unless somoeone leaves. *hug
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#6
I care about you deeply. I am also 52 years old. I went through a very rough time a while back but things turned out okay. I know what you are going through, how you feel, and hope that things turn out okay for you. I will pray for you. I wish I could snuggle with you and comfort you and give you a place to live.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#7
You're not alone. I was in a similar situation but managed to survive taking it one day at time. You can, too, and there are many people on this site who will support you and encourage you along the way. We're glad you're here and hope you come back to talk and share whenever you need a helping hand, a sympathetic ear, or just a bit of kindness.
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#10
I was so hesitant to go back on my antidepressant. I had come so far in dropping the dose to nothing. But losing so much sleep really screwed with my thoughts and how anxious and depressed over my situation became. So it's helping somewhat, I got some sleep lately. I still have no idea where I'm going to live but I will take it one day at a time.

I had to remove my son by force with the police. I feel hurt for him but he starting to push me has been aggressive with me, verbally, and physically. This place is not in my name so my ex friend said he wont take him back in (he's not here now anyways) but I could not handle the noise and bullying and putting his hands on me. I'm already in pain.

Thanks to anyone listening.
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#14
Yes he really needs help. I talked with the police about the kind of help he needs, but there isn't proof of him needing any emergency counseling, so he is on a wait list with CMHA, as I had him to the doctor a few weeks back to discuss his needs, although my rights to his medical reports .... well, kids here can deny parents involvement at age 13. So all I could do was give him numbers to call, tell him to call his doctor, explain things. He begged me calling over and over, it hurts me so much to have to do this, but I cannot do it anymore. If he refuses to access the care that is there for him, I cannot help him... he came outside the building today and sat there crying. That's my baby. But he'll be 20 soon. I threw some clothes and juice off the balcony, he finally left. He has some money so its not like he can't find food or taxi

And he's laid hands on me before, hurting me, so I cant let it go on.
I'm so sorry it came to this, but he needs to take advice and find support from professional people. I had him support workers for a while before, and the last one was so fed up she yelled "get him the f*** ready, I have to get going"..... people are so cruel and unhelpful sometimes. Thanks for the continuing support.
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#15
omg.
I don't think I can do this. I just tried playing simple man, and i think I'll break down knowing he feels so alone. Yes he pushed me but hes a human that struggles. But he also will not learn responsibilty. Wont clean dishes or room wont take advice, wastes money on weed on take out delievery when theres cookable food here.... and he destroyed my last apartment. I guess I really cant take him back... the ex said he cant be here and he is the one who owns the lease on the apartment. Although, he FN left me, saying he'd be back. F my life
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#16
Too Much, your situation sounds really hard and I'm sorry you're struggling with so much right now. I can tell you love your son and want to help him. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well. I don't know what country you're in but in the US there's a public service called 211 that can help people with essential needs like housing. My friend @may71 recommends it often to people here. They may be able to help you find a safe place to live for now.
 
#17
Forgive me for sharing such bad things
Hey, there's nothing to forgive. It's ok to share bad things here. That's what SF is for.

I'm sorry that you've had so many struggles and are not getting any support from family or others.

As my friend @Sunday16 :) mentioned, 211 may be a good resource if you are in the US or Canada. They may be able to help connect you with housing, and may be able to offer other services.

The law varies from place to place, but I think you have to have a court-ordered eviction for you to be removed from your home. This means that you could still stay in your home for a time even if you've missed a rent payment. I think there have also been restrictions on evictions related to the Covid crisis, but I'm not sure if those are still in place, or if they will be lifted soon.

Now that your son has left, do you think your BF would want to come back? And would you want that?

Hugs
 

toomuchreality

Well-Known Member
#18
thank you all for the support, it means a lot to me. No my bf is pretty much an ex. He said he doesn't love me anymore. I did the wrong thing and begged him once to come back. He thought about it for 2 days and then said "NO".

As per my living here, I'm not on the lease, only an occupant which means I would have to have a lease in my name, they raise the rent when someone new creates another lease, and it was only affordable for me with this ex's help.

After he came back for his cat and things, he called me and said he misses me, twice now. But he doesn't not say "i love you " back to me when I say I love him.

He really doesn't deserve me after leaving me in this situation alone. I relied on and paid him for rides to the grocery store. I'm in pain and carrying things is hard. So I now take a taxi, quickly grab some lighter weight things and go straight back home.

I've been through a lot today, I had a wellness check on my son done, and the police officer told me a lot of inside information about how broken our mental health care system is. Will update later, i jsut want to thank you all!!
 
#19
thank you all for the support
You're welcome! :)
As per my living here, I'm not on the lease, only an occupant which means I would have to have a lease in my name
The law may be different from place to place, but I think the way it works is that if a place is your lawful place of residence (not necessarily on lease), you still have to be evicted to be removed from that place. So if you have a driver's license that shows your current address, or a bill, ect., that may be enough to establish that your current home is your lawful residence. You might want to call 211, they may be able to verify that for you.
After he came back for his cat and things, he called me and said he misses me, twice now. But he doesn't not say "i love you " back to me when I say I love him.
Ok, even if he doesn't love you, maybe he could agree to live back with you again, just not as a couple, since you're in a pinch, and because he's the lease holder anyway, and your son is no longer around.

Hugs
 

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