*TRIGGER* GeTtInG wOrSe

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Metallica*Melinda, Dec 22, 2006.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I'm getting worse my cuts are way deeper than before, I even had to get sugery on one... what do I do?
    I like the way it looks when its split open and showing everything inside and pouring out blood, because it just feels so good to know I could do that all by myself with one little pencil sharpener blade or exacto knife...
    I feel like I need the red blood all over the walls to write how Im feeling...
    I did blood paintings before, where I go into a white room and write with blood all over the walls and splatter blood everywhere... and I wish I could take a bunch of pills and die in that room that tells everyone how I feel and someone could find me. But no I have to make the plan perfect... and a lot of blood has to be involved. I love blood so much. Thats how I KNOW I am real... the warm red drops of blood all over the floor... its so... relaxing to look at a river of blood pouring out my arm from a huge cut I produced.
    I scare myself sometimes... because of this sick way I think... :badday:
    Tonight I might actually get to
    "Break the habit" If you know what I mean...
     
  2. thinker

    thinker Guest

    That is pretty sick Melinda, sick as in ill sick.

    I can't totally relate to the cutting and blood painting, but I know the PAIN. It makes complete sense to me that you want to die, but I hope you can find some better solution. All you need is to relieve the pain, that's all.
     
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    melinda have you think at anytime in getting better. i mean do you care about feeling better?is that the reason of why you are in hospital now?
     
  4. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I just want to die... and I think that I was in the hospital at that time because someone called the cops on me when I was about to kill myself... but now I can't die because I'm pregnant... but The cuts are still there, the blood is still there... its all here with me now...
     
  5. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Its the physical pain to get rid of emotional pain...
    The blood to show that I AM alive and I AM here (because I am delousional and sometimes I think Im not really alive...)
    And also just speaking in normal terms... the blood helps me know I'm alive... I don't know how else to explain it...
    Sometimes I just want to bleed, I don't know why I like damaging myself and seeing the destruction I can cause to myself, its kinda re-assuring because I can do huge amounts of damage with the smallest of things, this is how I know I can feel pain no matter where I am...
    I carry a blade in my bra everywhere I go, just incase I get locked up somehow, or get caught in a situation where I need to get away...
    To bleed, to feel pain... or even to die...
    Im scared of myself sometimes...
    But blood, veins, all the stuff inside... its all what I need to survive... and I like cutting up the things that help me live so I can die one day...
    The pain is huge for me, but I barely feel it anymore...
    Its like the bigger the cut, the deeper the cut, the more damage I cause, the better I feel...
    I want to die... but now I can't so now I'll just cut as deep as I can without killing myself...
    I can usually control how deep it gets but maybe one day I'll get lucky and diiiiiiiieeeeee...
    :badday:
     
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