Trigger* I caved

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Sparrow91, Aug 20, 2014.

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  1. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    I caved in today... I cut and then I kept cutting it's like I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop... It wasn't enough... I kept going till the blood was pooling on my skin... It's like a lost some control...now I'm thinking what the hell happened, why would I keep going and I have no explanation... It's like I zoned out... Right now I'm considering it again... But I'm afraid I won't stop... I feel like shit, like no one understands..
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Now that you have stopped go to your doctor and get some help ok get wounds looked at and get supports in place so you do not start again
     
  3. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    Just as said seek help while you have stopped. Call a friend or someone and go to a safe place and talk to someone. And don't feel shitty. I understand your feelings very well and as you told me the wounds will heal. Head up and one day at a time *hugs*
     
  4. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Total eclipse that's the funny thing, I had stopped for a good 5 years , I was proud but then it just came back... I did it and then a few months later again and now it's more frequently a thought in my mind.. Maybe stress. But I'm afraid to get professional help, I can never bring myself to talk about it

    Fmylife I went out of the house and left my tools at home, I didn't say anything because I'm worried about talking about it.. You're right one day at a time... Thank you
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    The idea of getting professional help sounds scary at first but when you build a trusting relationship with the person you're opening up to, the feeling is amazing, because you're finally letting it all out and some of the weight is lifted and you can move on from there to the road to recovery. It's hard to do, I understand that. But keep in mind that it will be worth it and you can get better. Do take it one day at a time...hugs to you. Ever need to talk just drop me a PM.
     
  6. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    I had a psychologist before , talked about stuff but never ever did I mention sh , it was ok to talk to someone it just still makes me worried.. I'll definitely keep it in mind though.. Thank you petal very much
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You're very welcome! :)

    When you talked with the psychologist (about whatever) did it help? And, do keep it in mind! Talking about it and getting to the root cause is all about healing from this, so hopefully you will be in a better position in the future to discuss the issue...in your own time :)
     
  8. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    It helped a little, it was issues with my mom and stress, I was underweight from it.. It didn't helps manage anything it just let me put my thoughts somewhere.. But I was also very careful about what I said.. Probably why it didn't help a lot

    I think I fear people finding out its a huge fear I get paranoid... Like I feel like it will affect my job opportunities etc.. only two people I know , know that I do it but one I told because I was drunk and upset.. and the other (my bf) found out because he saw it... How do I tell someone I'm cutting again after I promising I would try to stop. :/ I'm never good at talking
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I see! I need to point something out though. Talking with a psychologist is completely confidential (people have these strange feelings that if they talk about fears, the past, what's hurting them, that they will be classed as crazy and will never get a job) that is entirely untrue. It is confidential. You may just have the fear about opening up because it's a secret you have been keeping for so long. Trust me, I've been dealing with mental health services for a long time. Some are great, some are bad. But no, none will affect job prospects. The only thing that could go against you is if you are suicidal and have an active plan ready, then they will call in a psychiatrist (as opposed to a doctor, psychologist). Personally I feel sorry for you because no-one should suffer in silence and no-one should have to keep all that inside you eating you up for all those years. I care about you, if that helps.

    As for how you tell someone you are cutting, again that boils down to why, 'cos the first thing they will ask is why are you cutting? You could always brush it off with ''I just had a bad day'' but that is not going to help you in the long run! Open up to your boyfriend, at your OWN PACE and go from there!

    That's the best advice I can give you, good luck and know that I am on every day and am only a PM away. I actually have therapy in 2 hours and I know it's going to be great and I will feel great for the rest of the day after it, it's all about how you look at things! Positive,positive,positive! :hug:
     
  10. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your advice petal *hug* I really appreciate it
     
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You're very welcome hun :hug: anytime xxx
     
  12. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    One thing I would add to Petal's wise words :p

    If you're guarded against anything when talking to a psychologist/psychiatrist - and don't maintain a full truth as to why you feel the way you do - you aren't likely to receive the appropriate responses to assist you. It's something I learned very early on when I was first on this site, that people complained about their T's being useless or "not listening" - when it transpired to their lack of honesty.

    It only works better if the psychologist works with you though. So when I had my own sessions, I was blunt from day one. And it probably got me through it a lot quicker than I expected.
     
  13. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I stopped cutting for 2-3 years when I was 18-20 and then all of a sudden after a bad situation, I couldn't think of any other way to relieve what I felt so I started hacking away at myself again. Still have that scar by the way. It was deeper than any of the others I'd done in the past. But ever since, I hadn't done it again. I'm now 25 so it's been like 5 years now since that time. I thought that because it's been a few years and I did it again, I would never be able to stop and eventually would always do it again, but it doesn't seem like that's the case anymore. Despite that one "relapse", I don't think about it anymore and I've gone through some pretty upsetting situations that were worse than the situation that made me cut at the time. So, if you haven't done it for 5 years, it's not necessarily the case that you're going to start doing it again on a regular basis. I know you said you're finding yourself thinking about doing it again, but I think that's pretty normal for any addiction. If you're clean for 5 years from drugs and then you get high all of a sudden, you're going to feel guilty and start thinking there's no point in starting all over after that long so might as well keep doing it. Same with cutting. But there is a point to start over again. Nobody's perfect. It's just a slip-up, but it doesn't mean that you should feel so terrible about it that you start thinking there's no point in trying again.
     
  14. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Yes I should be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings it something I'll have to work on if I ever go back to therapy.. Thank meaningless-vessel

    AsphyxiateOnMisery it's nice to hear that you have gone so long without harming, congrats. I did stop for about 5-6 years and then when I was 21 i stressed and fell back. I've been trying really hard the past two years not to do anything I've slipped up a few times but it feels harder now.. Thank you for our kind words it gives me hope.. I was given some "advice" today and it made me feel horrible (the it's simple get over it talk) made me think about it and like you said that mindset of why try again... I'm going to try harder not too.. Thank you truly!
     
  15. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    That's normal for it to feel harder for a while. When you first tried to stop it probably felt very difficult then too, but it probably got easier as more time passed, right? Same thing here. If you try hard to get through the more difficult times, it'll get easier again eventually. I'll give you another example about my addiction. I stayed clean off heroin for 14 months. That was the first time I made it past the 1 year mark since I first started doing it 4 years ago. The first 9 months, however, were absolutely brutal. The cravings didn't seem like they got any better. I hoped so much that it would somehow just fall into my hands without me actually going out and trying to get it, like for instance if a dealer happened to offer me a free sample on the subway (and yes, they do actually do that...ah, the wonderful city of philadelphia...lol)...because I knew for a fact that if something like that happened, I wouldn't be able to say no. I was about ready to say fuck it because it didn't seem like this was going to go away no matter how many months passed. And then all of a sudden, before I knew it, during months 10-14, it somehow got easier. I stopped thinking about it as much. Suddenly the idea of getting high just to become broke and ruin my life some more didn't seem as appealing as before. But then, after month 14, I had a situation with my husband where I thought he had gotten high that day when he came home. I became very paranoid about it because I had an ex who got high and lied to me about it for a year. He kept insisting it wasn't what I thought, but because of what I went through before and how much it affected me, I didn't know what to believe. Finally, the argument got so bad that he said something like "Wait a minute, are you just accusing me of this because YOU want to get high and this is your way of trying to piss me off to the point that I say fuck it, let's both go do it?...Well then fine, we'll go do it tomorrow if you want the shit that badly." Of course that wasn't the reason at all, but as soon as he said "let's go do it tomorrow", it made me want to really badly, and I ended up giving into it the next morning. I felt so guilty for having done so after as long as I had clean, I woke up the next morning crying my eyes out, thinking "Why? Why the hell did I do this to myself again when I had finally broken free from it consuming me the way it did?" So many different things started coming to mind. Does this mean I'm going to keep doing it again? Is it going to be even harder this time? Would it even be worth it to start over? What if my mother, who finally started trusting me again and being proud of me found out what I did, how badly would that break her heart again? I was so devastated over what I did, I felt like the scum of the earth. But after a while I realized I needed to forgive myself and that it was worth it to start over because I had come so far and worked so hard to fix my life and it wasn't all going to go away due to one fuck-up. I just had to get up and brush myself off and keep trying. Once I decided to move on from it, I started up again with the same mentality that I left off at before I relapsed. So it turned out that I didn't have to start all over with anything except the amount of time I had clean. So, I hope you've forgiven yourself for your relapse, too, and that you're doing better again.
     
  16. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing our experience.. It sounds like you're doing better now, congrats . It's tough to move on and I'm surly trying.. I haven't harmed since I posted this thread.. So it's been a few days, I have been reading and drawing more again... I even built a bookshelf ! I'm trying to keep my mind off stuff but I keep getting bad news and it's hard to just ignore it I'm trying to cope but it's hard.. Feelings suck sometimes
     
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