[trigger] My old memories...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MissKerouac, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Well-Known Member

    I can't believe I even clicked on this particular part of the forum, let alone my own thread. Its really difficult for me.

    You don't have to read this or answer it. I don't mind, I just need to type it out. (as much as I can at least. I'm not ready to go into detail)

    In my whole life I've only ever told one person about the darker side of my childhood. And he's my best friend. Even telling him was near impossible and I only did it because I was frightened of what I'd do if I didn't get it off my chest.

    And now I'm procrasinating.

    I don't know if I can do this.

    But I'll try.

    I used to have this babysitter. I guess I was about 8? I'm not sure, maybe a little older. Too young to understand at any rate. It was the babysitters son that they left me with, to play with and keep me occupied. He used to take me to his room to "play games" that I never understood.

    In fact I'd repressed all of this so much that I only remembered it happened about a year ago when I walked past him in town. And now things keep coming back to me.

    Every now and then I'll be lying in bed and I'll get another flash of images of what happened.

    I never understood what was going on at the time, only that I didn't like it. And always a feeling of guilt and embarasment. Thats the main thing. I just feel embarassed. I never tried to stop it. I remember the odd feeble atempt at a protest but I always gave up quickly. I was terrified of getting in trouble.

    The main problem I'm having now is that when these old memories come back to me it feels like they're happening for the first time. Because when they actually happened I didn't understand. And its only now that I look back at them that I realise exactly what was happening.

    So far there's just 2 times I remember of him going the "whole way". But I worry not all the memories have come back. And I sometimes panic about what I'll see next. Of whats being held back from me...
  2. christian_1990

    christian_1990 Well-Known Member

    what happened to u is horrible...im sorry theres really fucked up people in the world.....how old r u now?....maybe u should report him....what if he abused of another kids too?....
  3. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Well-Known Member

    I've dealt with a lot in my lifetime, but this is one thing I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to terms with. Even now, after all this time. I've looked into it as much as I will dare and I'm almost certain its the cause of a majority of the problems I went through. After my first flashback I started on drugs and going out drinking as often as physically possible. I never made the connection before. I don't do any of those things anymore but it still haunts me a lot.

    And still I sometimes wonder whos fault it was. I know what people will think when they hear that, but does it really count if he wasn't that much older than me? Maybe he just didn't understand either and maybe it is actually my fault. I don't know. It just feels like something I don't ever want to think about, but I can't help it sometimes. Its like its torturing me :sad:
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Surely this was something you could do nothing about at the time considering your size and age. I am not here trying to undermine what you are going through.
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you have gone through this, but you have to remember you were a child and so it was not you who was ion control at the time it was not your fault or any actions that caused it. the adults in teh situation should have looked after you better and kept an eye on both of you better
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    You were being "babysat" because you needed someone older, stronger, and in control to care for you - NOT rape you. By definition, he was in control and you were at his mercy. This is not in any way your fault!!

    In order to heal - to get past this - to be able to Live free of the flashbacks...You need to get some help, you need support.
    I feel so bad for you.

    When you have flashbacks, memories that have been shoved away so long due to fear, shame, pain and embarassment - it is because you are a survivor whose mind did exactly what it is supposed to do when you are put into a traumatic situation. The trauma was stored away - it was the excape when there was no possible other wasy for you at that young age to escape or deal with the situation.

    Be kind to yourself and find out if you can get some counseling. The flashbacks are indicating that you have come to a point in your life that you are strong enough to look at the horror, package it away as the rotten stuff it is and never have to re-experience it again. But that takes great strength, courage and alot of help and support. It is better than the torture of re-living it though.

    Remember a pearl of great value still retains its value even if someone buries it in crap. You just might need some help cleaning the crap off and setting the pearl where it belongs in a safe place. You are that valuable pearl, someone misplaced you with the wrong babysitter who put you in some rancid garbage...but you aren't what stinks - the babysitter is.

    Keep reaching out for help. You deserve it. Flashbacks can be so disorienting. Take care of yourself! :hug:
  7. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. Things had happened to me as a child also. When the memories started coming back, it was very difficult to deal with. What has helped me is talking with a therapist.
  8. Ophelia1600

    Ophelia1600 Active Member

    I can so relate to your story. I too have NEVER told anyone what happened. In all the years of therapy I still haven't been able to face this demon.

    We had an adult babysitter. She had an 18 year old son. I was 8. I thought he was cute and followed him everywhere like a puppydog. My mom and his mom thought it was sooooo cute.

    Then I was left alone with him. I'll skip the details.

    I didn't remember anything about this except that I had bad memories about that babysitter. When I was 13 a boy kissed me and I started to remember. I still have a lot of blank spots in my memory. I am unable to be with men. I am unable to talk about this. Sometimes I think if I could remember it all then I could deal and get better. But I'm more afraid of remembering it all.

    For a long time I thought I cause it b/c I had a crush on him. It took a long time to realize that an 8 year ol;d having a crush on an older person is perfectly normal, but an adult behaving in a sexual manner towards a child is never ok.
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