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*trigger* options

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Disconnecting, Apr 26, 2010.

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  1. Disconnecting

    Disconnecting Member

    I've finally run out of options.
    Either die inside an institution. Stick around but become homeless. Or just put an end to it right this very minute

    I rarely go outside. Whenever I force myself, I occasionally panic attack, or throw up. But normally just feel completely miserable & overwhelmed. Call it however you like. I am a coward. Everyday I'm reminded how horrible of a person I am. Reminded by myself my family and complete strangers. Every time I open my mouth I feel so extremely stupid. Frustrated. "Wait- that isn't what I meant to say at all!" "Why did I just say that? I really mean to say this-" Dyslexia? labels don't matter anymore. what matters is i cant relate to anyone or anything. there is no common ground. no interests or skills. everything is frustrating and overwhelming. even grade school art teachers laughed at me since i'm too useless to even hold a pencil sturdy. five years of my life gone. forever wasted on nothing but misery. the better part of a year, just staring at a wall. because doing anything else, anything at all frustrates me. and it hurts so much. i shouldnt have been allowed to exist

    nothing can justify this kind of behavior maybe i've already made my decision. i'm through feeling like a coward
  2. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    don't be sorry! that sounds so difficult!

    I know its hard, but you do have another option. You could pursue treatment, perhaps outpatient, partial hospitalization, or even a temporary inpatient program, and professionals could help you overcome anxiety/panic or whatever else is going on with you. This is the hard route, but its also the most hopeful one. Have you tried any sort of treatment before?

    I just finished a partial hospitalization program recently, and I found it really helpful! It gave me a lot of hope about my future.

    good luck
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    To tell you the truth this forum is about the only place I feel comfortable talking and honestly I have no friends to talk to in real life about this either so don't feel bad.

    Are you getting help for you situation? I need meds myself otherwise I am dysfunctional myself...

    We all here care so please keep posting and reaching out ...we are listening.

    love Bambi
  4. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    You're not alone, man. I'm the same with going outside or to public places. Whenever I'm in a store or in a crowded area I'll start noticing people looking at me oddly or hearing people laughing and wondering if they're laughing at me. Then I'll start to panic and sweat, become extremely self conscious of all my movements and gestures and I'll start getting headaches. Then I'll leave or, if I'm with someone in my family, I'll go wait in the car until they're done shopping.
    I wish I could give you advice on how to make it better, but I don't know myself
  5. Disconnecting

    Disconnecting Member

    Thanks. alison, Bambi, lonercarrot, there is no way I could ever describe in words how much these replies meant to me. There really isn't. Thank you!

    Today hasn't been a good day. Honestly though, today isn't much different than any other. I've felt suicidal for most of my life. There's no story I can throw out. No reason for it. It's just how I am. Maybe no one cared enough to notice anyways. Either way- Today has been a complete daze. Just staring at my method for hours... SF, & your posts have sort of snapped me out of that daze. The realization that I'm utterly alone. The realization that you, specifically you, tried to help. So even if I can't articulate how much that meant to me. At least let me post this emote :hugtackles:

    ugh. Reading my post is disgusting. I even managed to completely break down before posting the triggering abuse story. The reason why I associate hospitalization with bad things.
    That doesn't even matter anymore.

    I will walk down to a local urgent care center. Thought you at least deserved to know before I head out. Whatever circumstances each of you are involved in; I sincerely hope you are able to feel better too. The compassion I read on here every single day is amazing. It's a wonderful character trait that I'm sure will reward you.
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