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(TRIGGER WARNING) Do I Have To Keep Doing Life?

#1
Hey guys --

I just feel like life is really pointless right now. I have no purpose in life. I just don't get why I am even on this planet. I mean, my religion says that I am put on this planet because God has a plan for my life. But I feel like I am questioning my religion right now. I don't completely even know how I feel anymore. Its like either I am completely emotionally numb, I am "happy", or I am extremely depressed and wanting to die. By "happy" I mean I am putting on a front and making it seem like I am happy. I try to make it so that I appear happy so that other people think I am happy. That way I can make it so that people are less concerned about me.

I feel like I am questioning so much right now. I'm questioning my religion. But I also feel like I'm not. If that makes any sense. Like, I'm forced to go to church. And I go to youth group. But I feel like I use youth group more for emotional support rather than for growing my christian faith if that makes any sense. The other thing I feel like I am questioning is...well...idk how to say this. I feel like I could date girls instead of guys. I was with a friend and kinda realized I kinda wanted to kiss her... To be honest, I don't know what to do.

I'm really scared for going back to school. I know the bullying will get worse. And this girl is going to continue with the rumor spreading and the pushing too. None of the teachers have noticed to done anything. And the one teacher who even really knew left because she didn't want to go back in the school building. I have a few classes with this girl. And I'm honestly scared. Idk what to do.

It feels like I don't deserve to be alive. But at the same time, do I even want to be alive? I feel like I don't deserve anything. Not life, not help. Nothing. I honestly just don't know what I deserve, what I want, or what I should do.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Heya,

I know we were talking regarding this in chat but I think you needed to go afk for a while... so I'll share my thoughts here. :)

You absolutely DO deserve to be alive. You deserve the education to the highest quality you can avail of and need. You deserve to go to school and not be tormented by bullies who take pleasure in hurting other people's feelings, lowering others self esteem and self confidence. You deserve to live a long healthy life worth living. You are so young. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you that everything will be okay *hug

Now is the best time to address the bullying. Please tell your care worker in the school who you already have a relationship with what is going on regarding the bullying. Please write her a letter or an e-mail if you don't want to do it in person, see what she thinks the options are considering the bully has already been suspended. Then go from there.

If that fails please do not tolerate the bullying, try and see if you can move to a different school. I understand this is all very hard on you and stressful but you are extremely bright and I believe in you and I promise SF will be here for you to lean on when times get tough or further issues arise.

So young, so much education to blossom and shine from, don't let one bully(coward), ruin your chances of a successful school experience. Do you have any older siblings who could offer advice too? Get all the support you can gather and one thing I am really glad you have is the emotional support from the youth club.

~here for you~ ✨💕💞 ~let's hope better days are to come~✨💕🌈
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#3
Hey guys --

I just feel like life is really pointless right now. I have no purpose in life. I just don't get why I am even on this planet. I mean, my religion says that I am put on this planet because God has a plan for my life. But I feel like I am questioning my religion right now. I don't completely even know how I feel anymore. Its like either I am completely emotionally numb, I am "happy", or I am extremely depressed and wanting to die. By "happy" I mean I am putting on a front and making it seem like I am happy. I try to make it so that I appear happy so that other people think I am happy. That way I can make it so that people are less concerned about me.

I feel like I am questioning so much right now. I'm questioning my religion. But I also feel like I'm not. If that makes any sense. Like, I'm forced to go to church. And I go to youth group. But I feel like I use youth group more for emotional support rather than for growing my christian faith if that makes any sense. The other thing I feel like I am questioning is...well...idk how to say this. I feel like I could date girls instead of guys. I was with a friend and kinda realized I kinda wanted to kiss her... To be honest, I don't know what to do.

I'm really scared for going back to school. I know the bullying will get worse. And this girl is going to continue with the rumor spreading and the pushing too. None of the teachers have noticed to done anything. And the one teacher who even really knew left because she didn't want to go back in the school building. I have a few classes with this girl. And I'm honestly scared. Idk what to do.

It feels like I don't deserve to be alive. But at the same time, do I even want to be alive? I feel like I don't deserve anything. Not life, not help. Nothing. I honestly just don't know what I deserve, what I want, or what I should do.
You are simply facing a mental illness, which damage thoughts, moods and emotions. I suggest finding a therapist for treatments as soon as possible.

Do your school operate a sort of counselor's office? Do your country has a hotline to deal with school violence and abusement? You can call the police as well, since the situation of your school environment is serious enough. This forum has a section called Member's Resource, where you can find information like a hotline or so. For now, you should continue with the youth group for more information about what to do.

Faith is a journey. Not everyone of us is sastified with a "just that" answers from others. Go on and learn about other beliefs. Perhaps, you will be able to find the one that fit you most, the one will tell you to live, and that you deserves the best of your life. I'd rather be churchless Christian than being surrounded by cold hearts and blind faiths.

God has a plan for you. Be joyful, be graceful, be like Christ, are the most general and common parts of such plan that apply to everyone. Individually, everyone is granted with something unique for the more personal parts. Regardless, He wants you to live and be happy.
 
#4
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

I 100% agree with @Champagne, please do address the bullying. You being verbally, physically or mentally abused by anyone is completely unacceptable. I was seriously bullied for years in school, and the worst mistake I made was tolerating it for so long and never telling anybody about it. I know how tough it can be to address it, and it might feel like it would make it worse, but it's the right thing to do, for your own good. Please try and tell a teacher or a parent about what is going on.

As for who you may like to date in the future, try not to worry about it too much. People's teenage years can be a confusing time, so there is no need to put labels on yourself and, of course, whatever you discover about yourself is perfectly okay, and probably doesn't contradict your Christian faith as much as you might think.

You deserve to be alive and you deserve to be happy. Try and keep yourself safe. Hang in there *brohug.
 

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