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Trigger warning...does anyone feel in their heart that they will eventually just do it?

#1
I once again apologize to anyone who may get triggered or offended, however, does anyone feel that in their hearts that the day will eventually come where they just do it? I am so done with dealing with my trauma from the past and what was done to me, the stupid crap I did to others in the past, my disfiguring autoimmune disease and just waking up every day hoping for the better day that never is. As I have said a million times, my husband and family are the only thing holding me back.....the shame and humiliation they will feel would be horrible ..., it would uproot their entire lives. As much as I don’t want to do that to them, I just cannot keep this up.....but then again the fear of hell and devils with pitchforks scares me also. Just need to wish for a natural death to come real soon I guess. My past was so good...there is no hope for any kind of real future. Feel so done. Sorry for the continued rants.....
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
parts of your future are going to be bad especially concerning your health. i get that. what you have to do is do everything you can to get better and accept the rest and work around it the best you can, that's what i do. as for the stuff in the past you may need some professional help to recover from it. and of course we'll always be here for you...mike...*hug*sadhug*shake
 
#3
parts of your future are going to be bad especially concerning your health. i get that. what you have to do is do everything you can to get better and accept the rest and work around it the best you can, that's what i do. as for the stuff in the past you may need some professional help to recover from it. and of course we'll always be here for you...mike...*hug*sadhug*shake
Thank you Mike. I am getting professional help. I am just so freaking tired of the fight..I am sure you understand. My trauma of 3 years ago resurrected some really nasty old wounds that were buried for many years. In between all of that was 30 plus years of a great life...family, friends, etc....all taken away one fateful night Of trauma before my son‘s wedding, now every day is a struggle to stay alive. who would ever have thought this could happen....it sucks.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#4
I once again apologize to anyone who may get triggered or offended, however, does anyone feel that in their hearts that the day will eventually come where they just do it? I am so done with dealing with my trauma from the past and what was done to me, the stupid crap I did to others in the past, my disfiguring autoimmune disease and just waking up every day hoping for the better day that never is. As I have said a million times, my husband and family are the only thing holding me back.....the shame and humiliation they will feel would be horrible ..., it would uproot their entire lives. As much as I don’t want to do that to them, I just cannot keep this up.....but then again the fear of hell and devils with pitchforks scares me also. Just need to wish for a natural death to come real soon I guess. My past was so good...there is no hope for any kind of real future. Feel so done. Sorry for the continued rants.....
Hold on to your husband and family and try your best to be there for everyone and also sometimes we all need a little help so reach out to who ever you can and if no one wants to hear about how you feel there are many of us that do,

Reach out to us in a Pm or in private chat. I as many others here have an open ear and an open heart and you will find most here will always never judge you but always be you friend and love you Forever *hug
 
#5
At some point in life everyone suffers some degree of trauma, wether be a slew of things or one thing. No matter what it is that happens it affects people on different levels. Perseverance and determination are supposed to kick in to keep you grounded and focused. These are things that also abandon you when the trauma is so great that it consumes you. I have went through a lot in my life as well scattered about in 37 years. Most things many have not experienced. Death, illness, heartbreak, and dread. I too have felt what autoimmune diseases can do to a person inside and out. Feeling the need to end it is in no way selfishness but selfless in the eyes of the suffering. We don't want to make the ones we care for to be burdened by our tortured souls, we feel this would spare them. We know that if we act on the impulse it would cause pain to them but we feel like it would be better and they are stronger than we are . The perseverance and determination in them is stronger in them in our eyes . I guess i'm trying to say you are among many who are experiencing these feelings as well. I lost my best friend and confidante to a very basic thing and it has been a few years now. I struggle with not having her anymore every day. She was young, a cancer survivor of very aggressive uterine and ovarian cancer, a mother (only parent) of a 17 year old son , and a nurse. She only had one wish , to see her son graduate high school. she got a pulmonary embolism 2/13/18 and died in front of him. he was graduating in 3 months. He finished and graduated but lived those final months with friends, father and grandparents not in the picture. not a day goes by that i wish i could have taken her place. i miss her so much
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
A little part of my brain does feel that, it seems surreal for me to live a long life... but realistically, not anymore. I have been certain I would do it someday for most of my lifetime, now it doesn't seem like an option anymore. I think no matter how bad it'll get, I'll always remember the reasons for staying and they'll keep me from doing anything stupid again. I hope so, too.
 
#9
Being alive into my 50s and deteriorating health, just was treated completely disrespectfully by my eldest now, and trying to take care of a dying father while I'm in pain and my youngest is alienated from the only side of family he has, well life seems bitter cruel. I've done the best I can to love and support my family, to have them spit in my face. Yes, I do see it happening, because my family and own children think my depression and health issues are easily cured. I had an awful relationship, but I still would rather be there with him, and my son then facing a father I try to care for and a brother that just assaulted me a couple weeks ago. If anyone looking in saw the reality, I don't know any answers other than just give up. When dad dies I think I will too. Sorry for venting if this isn't the right place to as I dont know your main struggles.
 
#10
Being alive into my 50s and deteriorating health, just was treated completely disrespectfully by my eldest now, and trying to take care of a dying father while I'm in pain and my youngest is alienated from the only side of family he has, well life seems bitter cruel. I've done the best I can to love and support my family, to have them spit in my face. Yes, I do see it happening, because my family and own children think my depression and health issues are easily cured. I had an awful relationship, but I still would rather be there with him, and my son then facing a father I try to care for and a brother that just assaulted me a couple weeks ago. If anyone looking in saw the reality, I don't know any answers other than just give up. When dad dies I think I will too. Sorry for venting if this isn't the right place to as I dont know your main struggles.
I am sorry for your struggles. I have an elderly mom who is dying though many times I think I will go before her. Realistically, I am too scared to die by my own hand but who knows. I pray every night not to wake up but it keeps happening. Trauma destroyed me....resurrected old wounds from the past.
 

Gonz

sick and tired of being sick and tired
#11
Sorry for the continued rants.....
That's literally what we and this place are here for. If it helps at all, then keep it up.

As for your question; I don't just feel like I'm going to do it eventually, I know that I am.

Only thing is that I know what it's like to find someone you love dead by their own hand (albeit accidentally in her case), so I'm waiting for my parents to go first.

That will be years, likely a decade or two (and I hope they get to have a long and happy retirement first) but, once they're gone, then so am I.
 
#12
I hear you...I do think that once my mother is gone it will be more tempting for me to do it....,yet I still have a husband, 2 adult children that would be devastated, and a granddaughter so it sort of is not a very good option. My husband would be traumatized.....and I just can’t do that to him.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#13
I am going to speak off the cuff If death of yourself, death of loved ones and self loathing of ourselves is all we see then the only thing I know is that we got to be strong for each other here in this world even if we feel like no one loves us.

I love you all for everything you are all your failures through bad and good. I will always be with you until the end.

My mother named me after the soap opera Ryan's hope and I have hope for everyone. I wish upon kind constantine type people like us to drag us all out of hell and it will happen in time even though my life is a mess I believe it will happen
 
#14
I am going to speak off the cuff If death of yourself, death of loved ones and self loathing of ourselves is all we see then the only thing I know is that we got to be strong for each other here in this world even if we feel like no one loves us.

I love you all for everything you are all your failures through bad and good. I will always be with you until the end.

My mother named me after the soap opera Ryan's hope and I have hope for everyone. I wish upon kind constantine type people like us to drag us all out of hell and it will happen in time even though my life is a mess I believe it will happen
I am going to speak off the cuff If death of yourself, death of loved ones and self loathing of ourselves is all we see then the only thing I know is that we got to be strong for each other here in this world even if we feel like no one loves us.

I love you all for everything you are all your failures through bad and good. I will always be with you until the end.

My mother named me after the soap opera Ryan's hope and I have hope for everyone. I wish upon kind constantine type people like us to drag us all out of hell and it will happen in time even though my life is a mess I believe it will happen
Wow....you sound like one kind soul...your mom has done a good job. My life was awful when I was a kid...I was bullied, berated for being the fat, ugly kid...then it turned around...met my husband, had great kids, beautiful home, etc ...then trauma destroyed it....I am 62....did some real shitty things to people In response to the trauma. I have also been diagnosed with a horrible autoimmune disease. The only reason I am still here is because I love my family and if I kill my self it will destroy them And I just cannot put them through that. Instead I pray every night that I will not wake up but damn it keeps happening. I will never be who I used to be so what is the sense.
Anyways, you sound like an awesome person....
 
#15
Yes. Hatingmyselfdaily, I believe there will be a time that i decide i can't do it anymore. It feels like it may be closer and closer sadly. The only thing keeping me here is my parents and them getting older just makes it harder. And that's mainly because i worry that they would find out it wasn't an accident. If i was positive they wouldn't find out, i think that would be it. Each day feels harder than the one before. I never expected my life to turn out this way. I never thought I could be this lonely.
 

Gonz

sick and tired of being sick and tired
#16
I hear you...I do think that once my mother is gone it will be more tempting for me to do it....,yet I still have a husband, 2 adult children that would be devastated, and a granddaughter so it sort of is not a very good option. My husband would be traumatized.....and I just can’t do that to him.
I'm happy to hear you say that. I mean, so many people think their families would be better off without them. It's good that, despite your pain, you know that they would definitely not be. And it's very, I don't know, kind of you to stick around for their sake.
 
#17
I'm happy to hear you say that. I mean, so many people think their families would be better off without them. It's good that, despite your pain, you know that they would definitely not be. And it's very, I don't know, kind of you to stick around for their sake.
It may be kind of me but it is pure agony. I love them so much but really I cannot stand being here anymore. It is pretty bad when you wish you would just get sick so it would be a ‘legitimate‘ death.....I have so much shit wrong with me: ptsd, ocd, anxiety and depression....I been to therapists, called support lines, on meds, etc....
I had it all at one time....it is long gone....
My husband is happily watching a football game as I sit here typing this....how pathetic....this beautiful man has no clue how close I wish to be dead.....do I really want to be part of the ground or specks of dust, no, but what else is there to do? This is not living.....I am done fighting...thanks for listening to my latest rant. If only I had the guts and if only I wasn’t so afraid of hell and of destroying other people’s lives.
 
#18
Yes. Hatingmyselfdaily, I believe there will be a time that i decide i can't do it anymore. It feels like it may be closer and closer sadly. The only thing keeping me here is my parents and them getting older just makes it harder. And that's mainly because i worry that they would find out it wasn't an accident. If i was positive they wouldn't find out, i think that would be it. Each day feels harder than the one before. I never expected my life to turn out this way. I never thought I could be this lonely.
Yes. Hatingmyselfdaily, I believe there will be a time that i decide i can't do it anymore. It feels like it may be closer and closer sadly. The only thing keeping me here is my parents and them getting older just makes it harder. And that's mainly because i worry that they would find out it wasn't an accident. If i was positive they wouldn't find out, i think that would be it. Each day feels harder than the one before. I never expected my life to turn out this way. I never thought I could be this lonely.
I am sorry you are lonely but do you think there is a possibility that could change? Maybe you could get out and meet others? I know that sounds like an easy solution and I am sure there is more behind your pain. I am not lonely but I do feel your pain,
 
#19
It’s wishful thinking, but it’s likewise wishful to assume that I’ll improve beyond total stagnation.

As it is, my family is in for a world of grief if I continue living, as they will if I don’t. Maybe I’m not being modest enough; I don’t truly know what they’re thinking. My state of affairs isn’t exactly a compelling topic of conversation among my family, as it should (or shouldn’t?) be. They’re all too preoccupied with their own daily drudgery to subject themselves to something that they’re helpless to do anything about.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#20
That's literally what we and this place are here for. If it helps at all, then keep it up.

As for your question; I don't just feel like I'm going to do it eventually, I know that I am.

Only thing is that I know what it's like to find someone you love dead by their own hand (albeit accidentally in her case), so I'm waiting for my parents to go first.

That will be years, likely a decade or two (and I hope they get to have a long and happy retirement first) but, once they're gone, then so am I.
i hope before they go you find a reason to stick around...mike...*hug*console*sadhug*shake
 

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