Trigger Warning - Invisable Pain

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Aug 15, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    The toughest thing for me... Right now (other then the fact that im reliving it over and over) is admitting just what happened to me. Is telling myself yeah she did this and that and banged me on the head with that or this. Telling myself ohh she took advantage of me...

    This is not one of those i feel horrible posts, I feel that enough and im sure others on this thread feel it even more then i do. What i really want to do is get it all out, to let the pain ease out and give my mind a chance to rest, even if its just for a moment...

    I was with my girlfriend for 3 years... 2 1/2 actually. 2 of those years i was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. Sometimes 3-5 times a night or sometimes for 10 hours at a time... the only way i knew how to deal with this was by blocking it all out. See the problem with that is it comes running back one day. And when it does it can ruin everything, and not everyone understands, for i am a male and males are 95% of the time... The evil one. Well.. its surprising how well you can make yourself forget things when youve dealt with years of abuse (parental abuse is a pretty big part of my past)... In the bedroom, things happen, take an hour long shower with the intentions of SH... To release the pain and the memories, and to try to clean yourself from them... it became almost a ritual. Everynight when it happened all i had to do was go into my shower and everything washed away and it was like it never happened.. The bruises, scares, and fear didnt wash away though...

    Now as the ycome back i am left with uncertainty as to what i should do. I feel more alone, more hopeless, more everything then i could ever imagine. the pain is amplified and when i go to my private blog and try to write out exactly what happened.. I go through hours and hours of self torment and reliving the past. An example is just this morning i tried to write out something in detail (because i believe i need to face the truth, even if it hurts so much that i feel like i cannot handle it) that happened in the bedroom when we moved in together... I simple 30-45 min blog turned into 4 hours of torture.. reliving it in the most unimaginable detail ever, shaking nonstop, praying for god to take my life, and the uncertainty if your going to be strong enough to write it...

    See.. Theres a big difference for me...
    I can "relive" something and tell myself over and over it didnt happen to me it didnt happen to me its all a lie... and i come out feeling numb.. But i never face it.. and i jsut repress it... But when i write it out im facing it and im saying.
    YES this horrible thing DID happen to me....
    And thats when my mind wants to say NO IT DIDNT.. DONT BELIEVE WHAT HES SAYING.. I wrote it to the point were she walked into the room fine.. No issues whatso ever. But after that line it took me about 4-5 30-45 min breaks for each paragraph.. Were id pause and id see it in my head.. playing over and over again.. and i couldnt write it because i didnt want to admit it to myself..

    I guess im taking the first step... And admitting, and accepting...



    I can tell you. Ive never felt more alone, more scared, more depressed... It makes me want to end my own life night after night.
    And whats sad is this is not the only issue i am facing currently... I have a slew of them, But they all decided to come back at once. And other things are happening now...

    Its sad the point im at. No money for therapy or medications so im left alone in this room all day, these thoughts playing Over and Over and Over for Hours and Hours....

    Im almost at the point where im debating trying to get myself sectioned into a ward so i can see a therapist for free.... So i can explain, I SH in so many ways, I want to die, Ive been through hell... Heres my childhood.. heres my past.. Drain me of all the information you need to cure me...

    Direct me... And give me advice that i so long for... Give me hope....


    Give me hope that this wont eat me up whole...
    That this wont kill me... That ill feel alive again. That ill smile one more day. That i can feel loved again. That i can look at a girlfriend and say... yes we can do whatever you want... We can live your fantasies in any way you desire.. Instead of no i cant handle that... Ive lived through to much....

    Give me the hope and love to hold on.... Just for today....
    One day at a time...

    And to ask them to give me the strength to face my issues.. To help me.. To control me...





    Because... I can promise you... I can no longer handle this burden on my own.. ive kept it for so long, hidden inside my soul... Repressing it, dismissing it, lieing to myself... Just to survive...
    I need help.....


    I feel lost... empty... alone.... abandoned... scared... hurt... used... dirty... depressed... ugly.. fat... unworthy...

    Worst of all... i feel like im deserving of this pain.

    I dont really know how to end this post... I could write all day about my feelings.. And how these events have changed my life and how them comming back now is destroying my soul bit by bit...

    But right now... Ive left enough out.... Ive let enough out for me.. And i feel a little more at peace

    So thank all of you who read this... It means a lot more to me then you realize.. I feel like a piece of the burden has been taken off my shoulders because someone else cares, and understands what im going through .... Thank you dearly
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you don't have to handle this burden on your own anymore I am glad you are posting the pain out here getting rid of some of it. You can talk to your doctor thought i am sure there is community help that is free to help you heal from you abuse. Invisible pain is the worse pain because noone can see just how much you are suffering We understand here okay we do so keep reaching out search for support from you community your doctor okay hugs to you
     
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    thank you means more then your likely to know... i havnt told anyone to what extent and i wrote it out in my blog so me ex can see... Just what kind of monster that was inside of me... And the reason i started acting out.

    I know it wont save our relationship...

    But at least she will know im not doing this just because i want to act out
     
  4. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I don't know what I could say to make you feel a little better, except - I'm here if you need to talk, and I'm sending a huge hug :)
    I don't want to upset anyone by what I'm gonna say (I don't know Why it should/could) but, by reading your post I found myself thinking WOW can you believe how beautiful these people are, with all their sorrow, dispaire, sadness, imagine if this kind of torment would be turned into physical circumstances, the one that coul stand it would be considered some sort of a hero!!! Why didn't this occur to me earlier? Oh, wait I'm like that too.
    I mean, the fact that we can stand so much pain must have a reason, a "higher purpose" (tomorrow I may not still believe it), for witch we can feel so much. I don't know... Sorry for rambling here, all this may seem a bit naive but i just had to write it. After all it's about how beautiful we all are. And tomorow I'm gonna read this again and am going to convince myself again.
    I honestly hope that you get better.
     
  5. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I'm so, so sorry. I really wish there was something I could say that would lessen the burden of this, but I don't know what i could say... I am here for you. :hug:
     
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I hope you find the courage and words to write it how you want to write it and that it brings you comfort.
    Venting it out in black and white has a surprisingly good effect, even if the act of getting it out is torturing.
    my ex partner was abusive, although not to the extent I get the feeling yours was.
    My heart goes out to you
    take care of you and keep posting xx
    Amy
     
  7. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    i did write it out... And i have a feeling most ppl wont ever read it or understand it... Thank you everyone...
    You all help more then you realize.. and sadly you give me hope for whats going on in my life now.
    Thank you guys. :D hopefully ill post again
     
  8. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    I am here for you. I am so sorry to hear about your pain, and you are not alone. We are all here to support and love you.

    Anytime you need to talk just post, or drop us a pm. <3
     
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