The toughest thing for me... Right now (other then the fact that im reliving it over and over) is admitting just what happened to me. Is telling myself yeah she did this and that and banged me on the head with that or this. Telling myself ohh she took advantage of me...
This is not one of those i feel horrible posts, I feel that enough and im sure others on this thread feel it even more then i do. What i really want to do is get it all out, to let the pain ease out and give my mind a chance to rest, even if its just for a moment...
I was with my girlfriend for 3 years... 2 1/2 actually. 2 of those years i was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. Sometimes 3-5 times a night or sometimes for 10 hours at a time... the only way i knew how to deal with this was by blocking it all out. See the problem with that is it comes running back one day. And when it does it can ruin everything, and not everyone understands, for i am a male and males are 95% of the time... The evil one. Well.. its surprising how well you can make yourself forget things when youve dealt with years of abuse (parental abuse is a pretty big part of my past)... In the bedroom, things happen, take an hour long shower with the intentions of SH... To release the pain and the memories, and to try to clean yourself from them... it became almost a ritual. Everynight when it happened all i had to do was go into my shower and everything washed away and it was like it never happened.. The bruises, scares, and fear didnt wash away though...
Now as the ycome back i am left with uncertainty as to what i should do. I feel more alone, more hopeless, more everything then i could ever imagine. the pain is amplified and when i go to my private blog and try to write out exactly what happened.. I go through hours and hours of self torment and reliving the past. An example is just this morning i tried to write out something in detail (because i believe i need to face the truth, even if it hurts so much that i feel like i cannot handle it) that happened in the bedroom when we moved in together... I simple 30-45 min blog turned into 4 hours of torture.. reliving it in the most unimaginable detail ever, shaking nonstop, praying for god to take my life, and the uncertainty if your going to be strong enough to write it...
See.. Theres a big difference for me...
I can "relive" something and tell myself over and over it didnt happen to me it didnt happen to me its all a lie... and i come out feeling numb.. But i never face it.. and i jsut repress it... But when i write it out im facing it and im saying.
YES this horrible thing DID happen to me....
And thats when my mind wants to say NO IT DIDNT.. DONT BELIEVE WHAT HES SAYING.. I wrote it to the point were she walked into the room fine.. No issues whatso ever. But after that line it took me about 4-5 30-45 min breaks for each paragraph.. Were id pause and id see it in my head.. playing over and over again.. and i couldnt write it because i didnt want to admit it to myself..
I guess im taking the first step... And admitting, and accepting...
I can tell you. Ive never felt more alone, more scared, more depressed... It makes me want to end my own life night after night.
And whats sad is this is not the only issue i am facing currently... I have a slew of them, But they all decided to come back at once. And other things are happening now...
Its sad the point im at. No money for therapy or medications so im left alone in this room all day, these thoughts playing Over and Over and Over for Hours and Hours....
Im almost at the point where im debating trying to get myself sectioned into a ward so i can see a therapist for free.... So i can explain, I SH in so many ways, I want to die, Ive been through hell... Heres my childhood.. heres my past.. Drain me of all the information you need to cure me...
Direct me... And give me advice that i so long for... Give me hope....
Give me hope that this wont eat me up whole...
That this wont kill me... That ill feel alive again. That ill smile one more day. That i can feel loved again. That i can look at a girlfriend and say... yes we can do whatever you want... We can live your fantasies in any way you desire.. Instead of no i cant handle that... Ive lived through to much....
Give me the hope and love to hold on.... Just for today....
One day at a time...
And to ask them to give me the strength to face my issues.. To help me.. To control me...
Because... I can promise you... I can no longer handle this burden on my own.. ive kept it for so long, hidden inside my soul... Repressing it, dismissing it, lieing to myself... Just to survive...
I need help.....
I feel lost... empty... alone.... abandoned... scared... hurt... used... dirty... depressed... ugly.. fat... unworthy...
Worst of all... i feel like im deserving of this pain.
I dont really know how to end this post... I could write all day about my feelings.. And how these events have changed my life and how them comming back now is destroying my soul bit by bit...
But right now... Ive left enough out.... Ive let enough out for me.. And i feel a little more at peace
So thank all of you who read this... It means a lot more to me then you realize.. I feel like a piece of the burden has been taken off my shoulders because someone else cares, and understands what im going through .... Thank you dearly
This is not one of those i feel horrible posts, I feel that enough and im sure others on this thread feel it even more then i do. What i really want to do is get it all out, to let the pain ease out and give my mind a chance to rest, even if its just for a moment...
I was with my girlfriend for 3 years... 2 1/2 actually. 2 of those years i was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. Sometimes 3-5 times a night or sometimes for 10 hours at a time... the only way i knew how to deal with this was by blocking it all out. See the problem with that is it comes running back one day. And when it does it can ruin everything, and not everyone understands, for i am a male and males are 95% of the time... The evil one. Well.. its surprising how well you can make yourself forget things when youve dealt with years of abuse (parental abuse is a pretty big part of my past)... In the bedroom, things happen, take an hour long shower with the intentions of SH... To release the pain and the memories, and to try to clean yourself from them... it became almost a ritual. Everynight when it happened all i had to do was go into my shower and everything washed away and it was like it never happened.. The bruises, scares, and fear didnt wash away though...
Now as the ycome back i am left with uncertainty as to what i should do. I feel more alone, more hopeless, more everything then i could ever imagine. the pain is amplified and when i go to my private blog and try to write out exactly what happened.. I go through hours and hours of self torment and reliving the past. An example is just this morning i tried to write out something in detail (because i believe i need to face the truth, even if it hurts so much that i feel like i cannot handle it) that happened in the bedroom when we moved in together... I simple 30-45 min blog turned into 4 hours of torture.. reliving it in the most unimaginable detail ever, shaking nonstop, praying for god to take my life, and the uncertainty if your going to be strong enough to write it...
See.. Theres a big difference for me...
I can "relive" something and tell myself over and over it didnt happen to me it didnt happen to me its all a lie... and i come out feeling numb.. But i never face it.. and i jsut repress it... But when i write it out im facing it and im saying.
YES this horrible thing DID happen to me....
And thats when my mind wants to say NO IT DIDNT.. DONT BELIEVE WHAT HES SAYING.. I wrote it to the point were she walked into the room fine.. No issues whatso ever. But after that line it took me about 4-5 30-45 min breaks for each paragraph.. Were id pause and id see it in my head.. playing over and over again.. and i couldnt write it because i didnt want to admit it to myself..
I guess im taking the first step... And admitting, and accepting...
I can tell you. Ive never felt more alone, more scared, more depressed... It makes me want to end my own life night after night.
And whats sad is this is not the only issue i am facing currently... I have a slew of them, But they all decided to come back at once. And other things are happening now...
Its sad the point im at. No money for therapy or medications so im left alone in this room all day, these thoughts playing Over and Over and Over for Hours and Hours....
Im almost at the point where im debating trying to get myself sectioned into a ward so i can see a therapist for free.... So i can explain, I SH in so many ways, I want to die, Ive been through hell... Heres my childhood.. heres my past.. Drain me of all the information you need to cure me...
Direct me... And give me advice that i so long for... Give me hope....
Give me hope that this wont eat me up whole...
That this wont kill me... That ill feel alive again. That ill smile one more day. That i can feel loved again. That i can look at a girlfriend and say... yes we can do whatever you want... We can live your fantasies in any way you desire.. Instead of no i cant handle that... Ive lived through to much....
Give me the hope and love to hold on.... Just for today....
One day at a time...
And to ask them to give me the strength to face my issues.. To help me.. To control me...
Because... I can promise you... I can no longer handle this burden on my own.. ive kept it for so long, hidden inside my soul... Repressing it, dismissing it, lieing to myself... Just to survive...
I need help.....
I feel lost... empty... alone.... abandoned... scared... hurt... used... dirty... depressed... ugly.. fat... unworthy...
Worst of all... i feel like im deserving of this pain.
I dont really know how to end this post... I could write all day about my feelings.. And how these events have changed my life and how them comming back now is destroying my soul bit by bit...
But right now... Ive left enough out.... Ive let enough out for me.. And i feel a little more at peace
So thank all of you who read this... It means a lot more to me then you realize.. I feel like a piece of the burden has been taken off my shoulders because someone else cares, and understands what im going through .... Thank you dearly