Ideas & Opinions *trigger warning* is there a word for this?

[Accio]

Bit of a backstory: I was groomed from the age of 12-17 by older boys and men. At the time I didn't know it was wrong and genuinely believed that they loved me etc.

By age 20, I started to hate ALL men. To me, ALL men are groomers. I started wearing clothes that covered every inch of my body and wouldn't leave the house if my coat wasn't long enough to hide my backside.

I'm in my 30s now and I have CPTSD from this.

But my main query today is...

When I'm aroused, I often fantasie about being groomed - I feel ashamed but I always do it.

Is there a word for that?
My CPTSD is very strong 99% of the time but as soon as I'm feeling sexual, it's like I want to be abused??!

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this Accio.

I think it's common for people to have notions of what it means to be sexual, or to feel loved and valued, to be caught up with their history of abuse. So if you're attracted to men, and all you've ever encountered from men is abuse, it's understandably difficult to separate abuse from feeling sexual.

I think it's ok to have whatever fantasies you feel like without feeling guilty about them. It doesn't mean that you want to be abused, or that the abuse was ok, you just don't have a different model of what a sexual relationship should be like.

 

[Astrid78]

So basically, while you were going through the abuse your brain did what it had to do to survive. Its still doing those same things, even now years later. Just because the abuse ended the affects are still there ya know? I'm not sure if there is a word for your exact symptom, if you'd like I know some excellent podcasts that discuss CPTSD that I could share, but its up to you, no biggie.

 

[LumberJack]

I think the term is “trauma reenactment.” I have this going on, too. To the point that I worked with a sex therapist for 3-5 years; I don’t remember exactly. Well I didn’t know what was going on until it was explained to me by the therapist. I had initially sought him out for help with compulsive sexual behavior that I didn’t understand.

I know this thread is over a year old, but thought I would reply in case you were still around and/or someone else might have a similar question.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Bit of a backstory: I was groomed from the age of 12-17 by older boys and men. At the time I didn't know it was wrong and genuinely believed that they loved me etc.

By age 20, I started to hate ALL men. To me, ALL men are groomers. I started wearing clothes that covered every inch of my body and wouldn't leave the house if my coat wasn't long enough to hide my backside.

I'm in my 30s now and I have CPTSD from this.

But my main query today is...

When I'm aroused, I often fantasie about being groomed - I feel ashamed but I always do it.

Is there a word for that?
My CPTSD is very strong 99% of the time but as soon as I'm feeling sexual, it's like I want to be abused??!

I think this may be some kind of subconscious way of trying to feel "in control" of the situation. When you have a sexual fantasy, you are in control of it -- unlike in a real grooming or sexual assault. Not much is scarier than feeling out of control, so I think our minds actually supply us with these scenarios so we have a feeling of mastery of our fears. It's the same reason children blame themselves for being abused - even though the self-blame is awful, it's less scary to think that you did something to deserve it than to realize you did nothing and have no power.