*trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by scarss, Apr 17, 2013.

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  1. scarss

    scarss Member

    sometimes i sit and think to my self "what is this thing i do to myself? it is so abnormal and inhumane. I am a disgrace to society and to my family" The thought of dragging a razor across my skin is baffling and confusing. why would i ever do that? sometimes i wonder if thats how my family feels. if they are disgusted in me. if they are confused. if they feel i am a disgrace. But then I'm alone in the bathtub and the water is so hot and i can feel my blood rushing through my veins. Its betraying my because i want it to stop with all my heart. so why do i forget what i thought. why do i take my razor blade and take a deep breath. why do i count to three and set up the perfect position to hold my razor in-between my forefinger and my thumb so it cuts deep enough for me to see my layers and layers of bubbly skin break open. why do i smile when i see the blood slowly ooze out and form a volcano. why do i do it time after time. why is it eighty two degrees out and i still have to wear a god damn sweatshirt. why are my scars fading. why haven't i killed myself yet. why am i still alive. my blood fuels me. but it also drains me of any hope for understanding. I'm so confused between what i want. everyone tells me its bad for me and sometimes I'm tricked into believing them but i shouldn't. its so good for my i know it is because it helps. i feels so good. it looks so good. but then why do i stop for a few weeks and convince myself I'm not going to do it again because it getting to be summer? why am i not strong enough to hold out. why do i keep crawling back to my razor. why can't i go without seeing blood crawl down my arm? its not fair that i am ill. its not fair. i can't keep from doing it but i can't do it. I'm hurting everyone around me but i have to hurt myself its a dirty contradiction that is my life and its almost comical the irony that takes place. why is the start to so many phrases. why isn't my medication working, why aren't i happy, why aren't i thin, why aren't i pretty, why do i have to tear my skin open, why can't i go out in puplic without getting so scared. its a battle for the answers and i want it to end. so. bad.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2013
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think before you are able to stop, you need to learn what your triggers are and how you can work with these triggers to lessen them or obliterate them completely. Usually you can work through this with therapy, but it is not a quick fix and it takes a lot of work. Secondly, why do you self harm? Is it to punish yourself, is it to relieve emotional pain, do you enjoy it? What can you do instead if you feel like you are going to self harm? There are a lot of distract techniques available which can help alleviate your mind away from SH.
     
  3. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    Feel free to talk to me anytime, was good to chat with you, thank you.
     
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    have you tried other ways of coping so it doesnt have resort to self hard like taking a freezing cold shower, pinging an elastic band round your wrist?
     
  5. scarss

    scarss Member

    sorry it ended, i was not aware that if you switch back to forum individual chats close too:)
     
  6. scarss

    scarss Member

    i have, when i went into treatment i was given a very long list but in the end, well it always leads back to the razor and my wrist
     
  7. scarss

    scarss Member

    thanks for taking the time to read this and reply, I'm in therapy and i have such a wide team helping me to get better but its just not working. i feel everyday like I'm letting everyone down because very one is being so feet and putting in so much time and effort
     
  8. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    you just described cutting so perfectly. it's something that helps us but also hurts us just as much. it really is an ugly battle. but you're aware of all this, which shows that you can still think clearly, that you are trying to understand yourself and fight a way through this. it shows that you have the capability to get better and the strength and will. it is hard to get out of all this. i am in a very similar situation right now and i wish you all the best <3
     
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