sometimes i sit and think to my self "what is this thing i do to myself? it is so abnormal and inhumane. I am a disgrace to society and to my family" The thought of dragging a razor across my skin is baffling and confusing. why would i ever do that? sometimes i wonder if thats how my family feels. if they are disgusted in me. if they are confused. if they feel i am a disgrace. But then I'm alone in the bathtub and the water is so hot and i can feel my blood rushing through my veins. Its betraying my because i want it to stop with all my heart. so why do i forget what i thought. why do i take my razor blade and take a deep breath. why do i count to three and set up the perfect position to hold my razor in-between my forefinger and my thumb so it cuts deep enough for me to see my layers and layers of bubbly skin break open. why do i smile when i see the blood slowly ooze out and form a volcano. why do i do it time after time. why is it eighty two degrees out and i still have to wear a god damn sweatshirt. why are my scars fading. why haven't i killed myself yet. why am i still alive. my blood fuels me. but it also drains me of any hope for understanding. I'm so confused between what i want. everyone tells me its bad for me and sometimes I'm tricked into believing them but i shouldn't. its so good for my i know it is because it helps. i feels so good. it looks so good. but then why do i stop for a few weeks and convince myself I'm not going to do it again because it getting to be summer? why am i not strong enough to hold out. why do i keep crawling back to my razor. why can't i go without seeing blood crawl down my arm? its not fair that i am ill. its not fair. i can't keep from doing it but i can't do it. I'm hurting everyone around me but i have to hurt myself its a dirty contradiction that is my life and its almost comical the irony that takes place. why is the start to so many phrases. why isn't my medication working, why aren't i happy, why aren't i thin, why aren't i pretty, why do i have to tear my skin open, why can't i go out in puplic without getting so scared. its a battle for the answers and i want it to end. so. bad.