So today, me and my partner went to see the consultant psychiatrist. Which was one of the worst meetings i've ever had. I have BPD and bipolar and i'm currently suffering from a depression that has lasted well into 5 weeks. Which for those who don't know is uncommon especially with bpd with rapid mood changes. Which can last minutes or hours. NOT weeks. Everything we said fell on deaf ears. We told them about the cupboard where all the sharps and medication is locked away. Hidden from me because the risk is too high for me to have them. I've already tried to take an opiate overdose which failed. I just ended up being really sick. I've tried cutting myself that also failed and what lead to the stuff being locked away. So after this appointment and being told there is basically nothing they can do for me. And that I have to start reducing the amount of medication im on. Which is pointless as according to them there is nothing they can do to help me. So as it currently stands, im in the planning stage of suicide, i've decided what i want to do. But the main issues are my partner whom i love with every inch of passion i have left, myself- I want to be alive and well. And the anger thats bubbling away inside of me thats making me want more for myself. My partner is due to move in next month and I can't wait. It's going to be perfect. But I can't help the thoughts of suicide. I dont believe I have anything left to give. All i have is the love for my partner. Im aware that this is more than some people here have and I respect their pain. But right now, I dont think i can carry on with my life, I want it to end and end for good. So that I dont have to go through this pain any longer, that it can all stop. Stop and never come back. I believe in life after death, i believe I will stay with my partner and comfort him in his time of pain after i've gone. Im in crisis but its more complicated than that. Im in pain but its more complicated than that. I want it to stop but its more complicated than that. I wish I was dead, buried in the ground where no one could ever hurt me again. My thoughts are so distorted and unhealthy. I have plans like I said. But its more complicated than that.