Trigger

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jane doe, Dec 19, 2006.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    I´ve done it again, Last night in my bed, with the fresh air touching my skin.
    I want everything ends for me, i wanna stay on bed all day and hurt myself untill my body shows the scars of my heart and the pain of my soul.
    I´ve reopened my old scars too, and i did one little cut on my face this time(easy to explain ´cause i´ve have a cat)
    It hurts SI but it hurts more feeling like this
    Every night, why every night? i used to control it, i used to do it once a week, and now, nor a sinlge night pass without doing it.
    Blood flushing out likethe water of the river, so red, so beautifull.
    It feels so damn good, so relaxing.Why i am addict to it?
    And i DO have reasons to lve, but i don´t care about it. My boyfriend and i are plannig to move togheter, i haven´t too many familiar problems,i work, but i just don´t care.
    i feel stupid right now because all of you have motive for being sad,. but not me, does it make me a crazy woman?May be
    again ´i didn´t go to (work again)two weeks and two days has past since last time i went. i´ll be fired i know.
    And now wverytime i cut i must do it deeper, because my arm doesn´t bleed so easily anymore. God!!! more than 4 years has past since my first cut, and now...i´m a lost soul now wondering around everywhere and nowhere.
    i just don´t want to see anybody, i don´t want to eat, or sleep, i don´t dance anymore and i don´t paint anymore. i don´t do anything but cut.
    and now i must clean the mess i´ve just done. anyway
    Thank you blackfire, you are the one who make my nights better, and i wanted to tell you that i won´t kill myself...i´m a coward. I love you Blackfire. hang in there with me and i´ll do the same.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2006
  2. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    when I read your post, for some reason it relaxed me. I felt a little better about myself. I guess because I can relate to what you have said. It made me feel at home.
     
  3. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel this way :sad:

    My self harming has increased, and like you I can't go a day without it. I want to stop, or at least I think I want to stop, but when it comes to actually stopping, I can't. Nobody will ever understand me like self harm does.
     
  4. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I am fortunate in that, admist all those professing the increase in their urges, mine are still completely under control. I cut where I want, when I want, and only as deep as I want (shallow enough). I really feel sorry for the rest of you, but I think that that is the way that self-injury is. Once you've started you're going to get to that level--the only thing that differs from person to person is the length of time necessary. Some people hop on the roller coaster and right back off. Others ride it for a long time, until they can hardly remember getting on, and have to try as hard as they can to get off. Still others have been going so long that even the thought of getting help makes them SI. The roller coaster ends at the edge of a cliff... you're going to fall off.

    Ride it 'til the end, baby!

    But truly, I do feel for you who can't control it. I don't know what I would do if I began to self-injure whenever I felt a bad emotion (on the spot). It would must be so hard... such an all-consuming obsession... ...and all I can say is that anyone who wants to speak with me is welcome to PM me (lol, that probably sounds funny coming from a noob) anytime.
     
  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i must tell you that i felt like you 3 years ago( i do it since 4 years ago) and now you can stop, this is a warning you are in danger beca¡use you still can control it, but it won´t be like this for ever, hun try to not do it, you still have time
     
  6. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I'm touched that you think so, but I think I'm a bit far along already. I can think about it rationally now, but when the time comes it just gets so hard not to, and it seems to take all of my self-control to keep it how I want it.

    I have fought it off once or twice, but most often I don't see the point. I know its bad planning, and that eventually I'll wish I had never done this, but for the now it's satisfying. And I know that down the road if it does begin to scare me there will be help all around when I need it.
     
  7. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    it was the same for me, i fought against it, and for some time i really thought everything was over, bacause i spend 6 months without doing it, but now is even worse for me, my scars before those 6 months, dissapear with 1 or 2 weeks, and now they will last for a long long time. don´t think is pointless to fight against it, try to do something else to relax yourself, because someday you won´t want to live without doing it.
     
  8. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    ......Well, I had the urge last night and fought it off, with the help of an unknowing friend, so, I guess it's a start?
     
  9. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    yes, congratulations, i hope you can live without it, because you´ll live happier. well done again.
     
  10. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I wonder what she would do if she knew what she saved me from, and how?
     
  11. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i think she would be happy, and will try to do it everytime you need it.
     
  12. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I don't think so. She doesn't know that I cut, so I think instead of being happy she prevented a session, she would freak on me about even thinking about it, let alone fighting it off. Then she would probably cry... which, of course, would start another session (such a vicious cycle).
     
  13. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    yeah you may be right. does she loves you?
     
  14. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I don't honestly know.... I wish I did.

    Sometimes she acts like it and others... well, I can't tell. And, of course, I'm pretty much too cowardly to ask her.
     
  15. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well, i think that you shouldn´t tell her, for now. my boyfriend at the beggining got completly out of his mind, and he got unbearable, and everyday he was looking for new scars. he yelled at me evrytime he found a scar, but now he is trying to help me. you don´t know what can she say, but before you tell her, be completly suree about it because there´s no way back. i would like not to tell him because i don´t want any help, i want peace you know, but i think he would find out it anyway
     
  16. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I'll keep that in mind.

    Everyone I know seems to think cutting is for crazy people. Everytime I try to broach the subject with anyone (Father, mother, friends...). And the worst part is that after I decided not to tell my mother, she went and got a degree in psychology and is trying to get me to admit to it.

    I'm so confused. I want help before I go much farther but I also... don't. Argh!
     
  17. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i understand you, i had luck at the beggining because i knew some people who do it, but then they stopp doing it and now i feel alone again. In my house self harm is like taking drugs or killing someone, so i come here to express myself not to search for help(but i´m guilty because more than once i´ve looked for help)
     
  18. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't feel guilty for searching for help. We all need help, and some people joined this forum specifically to give it.
     
  19. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i know, i was kidding. hey if you ever need to talk remember that i´m here ok?
     
  20. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Definitely.

    I gotta go now, chat with you later.
     
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