ok... i want to apologize in advance if this not appropriate for this site. and i also want to say.. dont read this if you think it will trigger anything. i am new to this forum and to be honest i am not sure what is allow and what isnt, but i need to tell someone.. anyone before this eats me up.. i ve been living with this torment for over 14 years now and i feel like if i dont tell anyone i am gunna lose my mind. it started when i was 4 and lasted 12 loong agonizing years. the man i am supposed to trust.. the man that is supposed to keep me safe made me feel as if i was the most worthless piece of s**t in the world.. i feel so dirty and hurt and angry.. there are just so many emotions built up inside that i just cant describe them all. my dad.. he did this to me. it was not rape, but it felt just as bad.. he abused me. at first just physically.. when i would make him mad or when he was in a bad mood (which was a lot of the time) he would beat me..but he was smart. he was sneaky. he never left any visible marks..never on the face neck arms or lower legs..he d beat me til i couldnt move... i think he broke a rib once, but i wouldnt know.. i never went to the doctor... he moved quickly.. he continued with the physical abuse, but it got worse.. he said i was a big girl (5) and he said i needed to act like one.. i didnt want to be a big girl.. but he made me. he never actually raped me, but he did anything else imaginable.. 3 nights a week.. more when it was close to my birthday.. it never failed.. at night he d come in.. i wasnt allowed to cry or make any noise.. if it did i would be in big trouble.. i just layed there and let him have his way. i did nothing.. absolutely NOTHING. as i got older i started to fight back.. but he got me to shut up... i guess i made it easier for him.. i mean i could have gotten away i could have done something, but i didnt.. after he was done he smack me around a bit and tell me i was worthless i dont deserve a man like him.. i am just his b***h i feel like i got what i deserved.. i am weak because if i was strong i would have stopped him.. i would have said something i would have DONE something! but i didnt and i have kept my mouth shut all these years... it stopped when i was 16 because he was kicked out by my mom (because of the physical abuse he caused the both of us).. i have seen him a few times since.. it give me chills everytime i see him and i want to die.. he calls me everyday and when i talk to him the memories rush back.. he says things that he knows will trigger it.. i hate him.. in the past i would cut to get the pain to go away..i have attempted a few times.. all of which have been unsuccessful.. i guess i cant even do that right.. it is hard and the memories haunt me everyday.. i am disgusted with myself and i feel as though it is my fault... once again i am sorry if this is not allowed on this site, but i needed to get it out... i needed to say something..