trigger..

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by deadtoeveryone, Apr 18, 2010.

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  1. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    ok... i want to apologize in advance if this not appropriate for this site. and i also want to say.. dont read this if you think it will trigger anything.

    i am new to this forum and to be honest i am not sure what is allow and what isnt, but i need to tell someone.. anyone before this eats me up.. i ve been living with this torment for over 14 years now and i feel like if i dont tell anyone i am gunna lose my mind.

    it started when i was 4 and lasted 12 loong agonizing years. the man i am supposed to trust.. the man that is supposed to keep me safe made me feel as if i was the most worthless piece of s**t in the world.. i feel so dirty and hurt and angry.. there are just so many emotions built up inside that i just cant describe them all.

    my dad.. he did this to me. it was not rape, but it felt just as bad.. he abused me. at first just physically.. when i would make him mad or when he was in a bad mood (which was a lot of the time) he would beat me..but he was smart. he was sneaky. he never left any visible marks..never on the face neck arms or lower legs..he d beat me til i couldnt move... i think he broke a rib once, but i wouldnt know.. i never went to the doctor...

    he moved quickly.. he continued with the physical abuse, but it got worse.. he said i was a big girl (5) and he said i needed to act like one.. i didnt want to be a big girl.. but he made me. he never actually raped me, but he did anything else imaginable.. 3 nights a week.. more when it was close to my birthday.. it never failed.. at night he d come in.. i wasnt allowed to cry or make any noise.. if it did i would be in big trouble.. i just layed there and let him have his way. i did nothing.. absolutely NOTHING.

    as i got older i started to fight back.. but he got me to shut up... i guess i made it easier for him.. i mean i could have gotten away i could have done something, but i didnt.. after he was done he smack me around a bit and tell me i was worthless i dont deserve a man like him.. i am just his b***h

    i feel like i got what i deserved.. i am weak because if i was strong i would have stopped him.. i would have said something i would have DONE something! but i didnt and i have kept my mouth shut all these years... it stopped when i was 16 because he was kicked out by my mom (because of the physical abuse he caused the both of us).. i have seen him a few times since.. it give me chills everytime i see him and i want to die..

    he calls me everyday and when i talk to him the memories rush back.. he says things that he knows will trigger it.. i hate him.. in the past i would cut to get the pain to go away..i have attempted a few times.. all of which have been unsuccessful.. i guess i cant even do that right..

    it is hard and the memories haunt me everyday.. i am disgusted with myself and i feel as though it is my fault...

    once again i am sorry if this is not allowed on this site, but i needed to get it out... i needed to say something..
     
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry you've been through all this, does your mum know what he did to you? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this? have you ever been to a therapist about this? You can talk about it without having to press charges if you feel your not strong enough for that. It wasnt your fault, he was the adult he knew right from wrong it was all his fault.
    :hug: here if you need anything if I can help I will
     
  3. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    thanks i really appreciate it.. i ve never had the courage to tell anyone.. let alone my mom.. i dont think she d believe me.. i have thought about therapy, but i am sure i could do it. i dont know if i trust anyone enough to tell them.. i could barely write it out on the computer..i just dont know how i would say anything
     
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    As a child - you were taught that to survive you had to endure whatever the monster who was your father did to you...

    You could do nothing!

    You need to distance yourself as far from him as you are able, and I agree with the suggestion that you get a therapist who specializes in trauma....

    Trust is the hardest part of getting help especially when you feel it is somehow your fault... it isn't - but you have to believe it...

    If this happened to another little child you know, would you say it was their fault? So, why do you blame yourself....

    Try going to a therapist and see - it might be easier to print out what you have written here and give it to the therapist..

    I have been in therapy for 4 years and have only articulated the abuse out loud once and that only recently - I write it out - and he reads it...

    What's more, it took a year and a half before I could say I actually had a measure of trust in him, I made the decision to not doubt anymore...

    You have been through a horrible ordeal and survived - that shows such strength and courage already...

    Keep posting - it helps, there are many who care.
     
  5. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    i appreciate that you ve taken the time to read my story.. i wish it was easier to believe you.. i really do. and i cant.. he always finds some way to get back in my life.. and he only lives like 30 minutes away.. i wouldnt be able to leave my mom all alone..
    i blame myself because once i got older i could have stopped it.. i should have.. but i didnt.
    i am sorry that you had to go through that and i am glad that you ve been able to get some help for it.. the whole writing it doen sounds like a good idea.. i ll take it into consideration.

    thanks to both of you for caring
     
  6. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, hon. My story is very similar to yours. It was my dad, and it started about the same age as yours did.

    And of course he had excuses. "Men have needs". "I should be a good girl". "This was natural". Etc.

    And I've had the same issues with guilt. Feeling like somehow I should have stopped it. Afraid to tell anyone in case they felt I liked it or wanted it. The shame and guilt are as bad as the abuse itself. And I've also cut, and binge ate, and drank to numb the feelings and the memories. It doesn't work, at least not for long.

    In my case, my mom knew. She blamed me. She was dependant on my dad, and wouldn't go against him, so she took out all her anger and rage on me, and told me it was all my fault.

    It's amazing that we survive at all. I think it shows that we have more courage and strength than we realize. And all the self harm and other things that we do are simply survival methods. It's how we cope, how we've tried to comfort ourselves when those who should have comforted us, were the ones who hurt us. We just need to find healthier ways of coping.

    Do you have a general practitioner doctor that you see? I agree that a really good therapist is a good place to start, but if you can get a recommendation to someone who deals with this issue, it would be better. You don't have to be specific with your doctor, just tell them you would like a referral to a therapist who deals with abuse issues. And then if you find someone, take your time in telling them. Write it down, and let them read it, do it slowly as you are more comfortable. They will have heard it before, and they won't judge us the way we tend to judge ourselves.

    Be good to yourself. You deserve it. You're not to blame. You deserved better, and didn't get it, but it's not too late.
     
  7. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    it is disgusting... im sorry you had to go through this too! i makes me sick to just think about it.. and i know how you feel... i think thats why i am afraid to tell someone.. like they wont understand.. i dont want them to think that i enjoyed it.. i didnt.. i hated every second of it..

    i ve have done just about everything to try and get rid of the pain.. i just wish it would go away.. but it doesnt it is always there.. sometimes i can forget, but i feel like it is still in the back of my mind just waiting for an opportunity to just jump out again..

    i cant do it.. im not strong enough to say anything outloud..
     
  8. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I understand. I didn't think I could ever talk out loud about it either. The first time with a therapist was awful.

    But it got easier. And eventually, it did help. It was like bringing something dark and evil into the light. Sort of like cleansing it.

    I won't say that at times it isn't still overwhelming. And I can still get triggered and have a good cry. But it's better than it was, and I'm hoping that it will get even better in the future.

    I know you can feel weak because you weren't able to stop this from happening. But the fact that you survived means you have an inner strength you don't see.

    If you ever need to talk, please pm me.
     
  9. deadtoeveryone

    deadtoeveryone Active Member

    thanks.. i appreciate it.. we ll see.
     
  10. Nox Immortalis

    Nox Immortalis Well-Known Member

    Show your mom the post on this forum. Honestly, that's the best way to do it. And definitely go to counseling or something... I'm in counseling and it DOES help.
     
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