Trigger

Discussion in 'Rape & Abuse' started by resistance, Aug 30, 2006.

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  1. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I was just talking to my boyfriend on the phone and he has just triggered me off by saying the slightest thing. All he said was to sit on his lap and then I went all quiet. "I understand" he says.. "I understand". Yeah, of course you do. But the thing is he shouldn't have to. This shouldn't happen and I should be fine but it's not happening, and it's never going to happen because wherever I go, whatever I do they will always be there with me.

    A sign of love? Respect? What two people do when they love each other, he said. There's nothing wrong with it, it's normal. I see now that's why I'm left feeling so worthless, pathetic and anything even remotely sexual sickens me and it's partly your fault. You ruined me and you know what I don't even think you care because I wasn't the first girl you tried it on with. You went to prison before for hurting a child and then you got your dirty paws on me. You're a part of my life, a part of my past that I can't get rid of and I want you out of my life so badly but it's only a dream. A dream that will never happen. It feels as though you are still inside me and I rip at my skin trying to get you out. Cause myself pain to try and stop the pain that you're causing me right up until this day but it's temporary. Nothing is permanent. If you could read this now you would probably be smiling and it angers me so much, part of me wishes you could suffer from half the pain I go through but then the other part of me doesn't because I still don't feel it was entirely your fault.

    The other guy, your co-worker used to stand infront and watch us every time. Some days he would lead me into the room to meet you and he would stand and watch as you did stuff and I don't understand why he didn't stop it.. why didn't he stop? He had a son of his own but he still didn't stop it.. and neither did I. I still feel partly to blame because I let you carry on, I didn't tell anyone and I believe if I was to have told someone then none of this would be happening today. If I stopped it I probably won't be getting the flashbacks, the nightmares and half of the feelings I have about myself. Maybe it is my fault. People keep telling me it isn't but I can't stop thinking it.

    To make matters worse I still see the two of you in town now and again, I can't get away from you. I want this all to stop, I want to get these people out of my life, I want to stop thinking about it, I want it to be over.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    sweetie I'm so sorry :( I wish there was somekinda way to make you forget it all, or even better to erase it, like it didnt happen.. But I cant do anything.. :( :hug: all I can do is send you virtual hugs and letting you know that I'm here for you. You can always pm me if you need a talk ok? :hug:
    **HUGE HUG FOR RES**
     
  3. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    i wish there was more that i could do for you, but all i can do is be there for you whenever you need me. :hug:
     
  4. rachypooh

    rachypooh Well-Known Member

    No matter how much you think you are to blame you are not at all not even in the slightest. It was this person who is in the wrong.
    You are not the only one who hasnt spoken up, and it is one of the hardest things to try and do.
    I'm sorry you feel like this, and I know how hard it is to still see the people that hurt us so badly, it is so hard to deal with, and people who havent gone through the same thing have no idea how we feel, even if they say they do.
    Sorry I'm not making much sense right now.
    Ever want to talk feel free to PM me any time

    Rachy
     
  5. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    i heard something the other day

    blame

    gose to the person who with intent hurts someone..


    you hurt no one.. you had no malice... you were and are the innocent

    the shame.. blame... guilt... belongs to them

    have you told someone.... if not do so... or put it on a piece of paper and burn it or burry it in the woods....

    so and so are rapests... yeah dig a hole and put that paper in the ground... when ever you see them .. or are reminded of what they did... put a piece of paper in the ground... in a feild.. woods.. sandbox.....

    get it out .... rid you of them and the "unjust" guilt you feel from not telling... tell now...

    hugs....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2006
  6. Manically Depressed

    Manically Depressed Active Member

    Rape is a very devistating thing to deal with. I know a few girls who have been raped. And just like you they just wish they could erase the entire memory from their past. The best thing you can probably do is talk about it to the people whom care about you. Be open about it and I guarantee it will help.
     
  7. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I've tried to talk about it. I've tried so many times but it's too difficult. My boyfriend wants me to talk and he encourages me but I can't do it.
     
  8. me_

    me_ Guest

    Just wanted to let you know that I am very sorry for what you have been through. I know it is a cliche and I know it doesn't help ... but I am sincerely sorry.

    :hug:
     
  9. Mio

    Mio Well-Known Member

    :hug:
    :hug:
    :hug:

    many many many many hugs for you, Res

    :rose:
     
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