I was just talking to my boyfriend on the phone and he has just triggered me off by saying the slightest thing. All he said was to sit on his lap and then I went all quiet. "I understand" he says.. "I understand". Yeah, of course you do. But the thing is he shouldn't have to. This shouldn't happen and I should be fine but it's not happening, and it's never going to happen because wherever I go, whatever I do they will always be there with me.
A sign of love? Respect? What two people do when they love each other, he said. There's nothing wrong with it, it's normal. I see now that's why I'm left feeling so worthless, pathetic and anything even remotely sexual sickens me and it's partly your fault. You ruined me and you know what I don't even think you care because I wasn't the first girl you tried it on with. You went to prison before for hurting a child and then you got your dirty paws on me. You're a part of my life, a part of my past that I can't get rid of and I want you out of my life so badly but it's only a dream. A dream that will never happen. It feels as though you are still inside me and I rip at my skin trying to get you out. Cause myself pain to try and stop the pain that you're causing me right up until this day but it's temporary. Nothing is permanent. If you could read this now you would probably be smiling and it angers me so much, part of me wishes you could suffer from half the pain I go through but then the other part of me doesn't because I still don't feel it was entirely your fault.
The other guy, your co-worker used to stand infront and watch us every time. Some days he would lead me into the room to meet you and he would stand and watch as you did stuff and I don't understand why he didn't stop it.. why didn't he stop? He had a son of his own but he still didn't stop it.. and neither did I. I still feel partly to blame because I let you carry on, I didn't tell anyone and I believe if I was to have told someone then none of this would be happening today. If I stopped it I probably won't be getting the flashbacks, the nightmares and half of the feelings I have about myself. Maybe it is my fault. People keep telling me it isn't but I can't stop thinking it.
To make matters worse I still see the two of you in town now and again, I can't get away from you. I want this all to stop, I want to get these people out of my life, I want to stop thinking about it, I want it to be over.
A sign of love? Respect? What two people do when they love each other, he said. There's nothing wrong with it, it's normal. I see now that's why I'm left feeling so worthless, pathetic and anything even remotely sexual sickens me and it's partly your fault. You ruined me and you know what I don't even think you care because I wasn't the first girl you tried it on with. You went to prison before for hurting a child and then you got your dirty paws on me. You're a part of my life, a part of my past that I can't get rid of and I want you out of my life so badly but it's only a dream. A dream that will never happen. It feels as though you are still inside me and I rip at my skin trying to get you out. Cause myself pain to try and stop the pain that you're causing me right up until this day but it's temporary. Nothing is permanent. If you could read this now you would probably be smiling and it angers me so much, part of me wishes you could suffer from half the pain I go through but then the other part of me doesn't because I still don't feel it was entirely your fault.
The other guy, your co-worker used to stand infront and watch us every time. Some days he would lead me into the room to meet you and he would stand and watch as you did stuff and I don't understand why he didn't stop it.. why didn't he stop? He had a son of his own but he still didn't stop it.. and neither did I. I still feel partly to blame because I let you carry on, I didn't tell anyone and I believe if I was to have told someone then none of this would be happening today. If I stopped it I probably won't be getting the flashbacks, the nightmares and half of the feelings I have about myself. Maybe it is my fault. People keep telling me it isn't but I can't stop thinking it.
To make matters worse I still see the two of you in town now and again, I can't get away from you. I want this all to stop, I want to get these people out of my life, I want to stop thinking about it, I want it to be over.
I wish there was somekinda way to make you forget it all, or even better to erase it, like it didnt happen.. But I cant do anything..