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Active Member
I am a 2 tour combat veteran. I served as a combat medic, I did not go through the worst in Iraq but it did leave its mark.

When I was leaving the military, I met this beautiful woman and her two beautiful kids that I fell hard for. We went through a whirlwind relationship for 7 months. She at times seemed like she was really interested in me. Then out of the blue, she would be threatening to cut me off from her and the kids.

She had a married friend that she would talk to all hours of the night. He sent her love letters. I told her to cut it off with him. She did for a month and then she reconnected with him. That is when things seemed to go downhill fast. She loved how good I was the kids but she was now accusing me of yelling at the kids, disciplining her kids, undermining her with the kids and turning the kids against her. Telling me that i didn’t love her.

She broke it up but before that I know she had started seeing someone else, telling me it was just a family friend. I was so devastated that I lost her and was now cut off from the kids. One night, I sat there with a <mod edit - method> contemplating ending it. The thought of my mom stopped me.

Fast forward 12 years, I am married with three wonderful kids. I come to the realization that my kids are the same age as her kids when I was acting the ex. My kids age triggered me and brought all those feelings back. I still miss her and it hurts that I never got to see her kids grow up. It has also brought back all the despair and suicidal thoughts from 12 years ago. The desire that I had ended it 12 years ago is strong.

I know this is damaging my family but I just can’t get over these memories and feelings. I am useless as a husband and father. I am worthless. I am yelling at God to make this pain end. I tried to put this behind me years ago, it has come all flooding back. I want it to end now.

The anehedonia is killing me. I don’t find pleasure cuddling with my wife or kids. I am dead inside and I can’t do what I need to do as a father or husband. I now wish that I never existed. Between my insomnia, depression, PTSD and chronic pain; I just want it all to end.
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Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
i'm sorry that you are going through so much right now. first that woman never loved you if she did that to you. i know you miss the kids but they are not around and it's hard to accept. you should probably see a therapist to help you deal with the past and cherish what you have now. you are not a bad husband or father, you are dealing with issues. i hope things start to improve for you soon.


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