Triggering but here goes

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by hadit, Dec 2, 2009.

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  1. hadit

    hadit Member


    I am seriously suicidal, I have been having these strong feelings for a couple of weeks.

    I have the meds, the dosage sorted at 1.5x the lethal dose med/kg etc. It is all packed with a rubber band around it and 20 extra if I can take them too. This has been ready for over a week.

    3 weeks ago I started taking crushed up slow release anagesics with a combination of other meds, one or two of those and maybe three of them type thing.

    Downing that with up to two cups of vodka, passing out and waking at around 3 in the afternoon before anyone got home. BTW I am not a drinker and that took a lot of getting down. It became a habit with escalating amounts of meds and a variety of alcohol, on a Sunday I cut across my arm (not deep) enough to get good blood flow while sitting on the bathroom floor after a verbal attack from my husband.

    Thinking he had left, as he does when I am in desparate need of help I heard the car drive out. He came back and found me, called an ambulance and sent me to hospital. He then went for a bike ride with his mate and later lied about coming to see me but I was alseep (farker that he is).

    I was admitted for three days, I have no doubt this stopped me from going too far with the meds and alcohol.

    In the last few days I have started checking my stash and adding some relaxants as well as a razor blade, rechecking the dosage etc

    Day before yesterday I took a mix of crushed slow release analgesics and other meds, downed with some alcohol. Only this time I did not wake up until well after 8pm, my husband knows what I did but ignores it. My message from this is that he just wants me to get it right and be gone, regardless of him as he is not the issue here.

    Yesterday I did not take anything as I had someone here with me.

    Today is horrible, I want to take a handful of meds and be gone for a little while but I feel if I start I will not stop. I really do want to be dead, just go to sleep and not wake up ever.

    There is no fear in this decision, no fear at all, just a releif that it will finally be over and done with. The feeling of releif in typing this is unbeleivable, to be reading what I am thinking is reassuring and sets in too make me feel more ready and confident to act.

    The meds I have caused seizures so am a little uncertain about that but will take something else so I am knocked out and unaware of that anyway.

    So there it is guys, my problem is I not sure I want help but not sure that I don't. Maybe this is an opportunity to voice it, assert it to myself and concrete it in certainty.

    I have trouble presenting to hospital or case workers as I just go into polite good, very well thankyou mode and they cannot see why the hell I am there. I have considered writing it down as what I write is dark and scarry even for the case workers to read, but it is what is inside me all the time now.

    I feel as though I need to stand at the door and just slice my arm open right then and there, see guys Do you get it now, this is how I feel inside. But I would never ever do something like that.

    I am not going to go back and correct typos as otherwise I will start to remove parts of this and that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2009
  2. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi hadit,

    i am uselessly incoherent right now and i am sorry, i just had a feeling that if i didn't respond right away either something bad would happen to you or the whole post would get mod-edited for the details and then you wouldn't know someone had read it all, i don't know why i think that is important, but i had to respond now even though i can't form any convincing or useful explanations for why i think it is so very, very, very, very important that you stop playing with this fire (tempting though it is for us all) and please, please please call a crisis center!

    it sounds like you have put so much thought into finding methods to hurt or kill yourself that they have become more real to you than the alternative of trying to get better and heal. i relate to that a lot but it is really not too late to go the other direction, make your prospects of getting better more concrete than the details of your suicide method. all you have to do is get in "real" contact with the hospital or the case workers - do anything you think will help you communicate, talk in person, write a letter, hand them over your method, do an interpretive dance, draw a comic book, who cares, but please get this information out in an absolutely crystal clear way and get it to everyone who can possibly help you out of this. please please please

    sorry if this doesn't make sense, please take care of yourself

    keep us posted
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hadit, print out what you've written above and take it and yourself to the hospital, or call a crisis line, an ambulance anything, show what you've written, that's enough to get it all started. You're in serious danger now of simply damaging yourself without achieving anything. Please don't hang about, get yourself some real help ok.
  4. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    i agree
  5. hadit

    hadit Member

    It doesn't feel that serious from in here, it feels normal, comfortable and I feel the hospital will dismiss it as not all that serious yet.
  6. neno1

    neno1 Well-Known Member

    Hadit, I am sending u a massive hg from Ireland, I am so sorry u in so much pain, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  7. hadit

    hadit Member

    OK have saved it and will try to print it out, having trouble with printer naturally. I still don't know if I can go to ED though.
  8. Jumper32

    Jumper32 New Member

    Hey hadit this is Jumper32 please call a crisis line.... i know how u have been feeling but i just had an epiphany it is not worth it please know this.... godbless
  9. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    while you are thinking what to do drink huge amount of milk. It will slow down the digestion to a crawl up to 2-3 hours. gives you time to get adjusted to meds or get help.

    Good luck
  10. neno1

    neno1 Well-Known Member

    Dearest Hadit, Ive thought of u all day today and I hope that u r okay, we all feel ur pain and know exactly what u r going through and that,xxxxxxx

    A few years back i went through a phase of this - eating any medication hoping and wishing that this wud take me off this planet, its a very dangerous thing hadit, I know u want to end it but this is such a slow and long way to die and painful and the meds u r taking r doing untold and unseen damage to urself, I know u want this but please maybe not today, maybe not the day after, u will find a reason to continue to live and love, my fear for u, by then it may be too late and their will be damage done that cant be undone, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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