Hi I am seriously suicidal, I have been having these strong feelings for a couple of weeks. I have the meds, the dosage sorted at 1.5x the lethal dose med/kg etc. It is all packed with a rubber band around it and 20 extra if I can take them too. This has been ready for over a week. 3 weeks ago I started taking crushed up slow release anagesics with a combination of other meds, one or two of those and maybe three of them type thing. Downing that with up to two cups of vodka, passing out and waking at around 3 in the afternoon before anyone got home. BTW I am not a drinker and that took a lot of getting down. It became a habit with escalating amounts of meds and a variety of alcohol, on a Sunday I cut across my arm (not deep) enough to get good blood flow while sitting on the bathroom floor after a verbal attack from my husband. Thinking he had left, as he does when I am in desparate need of help I heard the car drive out. He came back and found me, called an ambulance and sent me to hospital. He then went for a bike ride with his mate and later lied about coming to see me but I was alseep (farker that he is). I was admitted for three days, I have no doubt this stopped me from going too far with the meds and alcohol. In the last few days I have started checking my stash and adding some relaxants as well as a razor blade, rechecking the dosage etc Day before yesterday I took a mix of crushed slow release analgesics and other meds, downed with some alcohol. Only this time I did not wake up until well after 8pm, my husband knows what I did but ignores it. My message from this is that he just wants me to get it right and be gone, regardless of him as he is not the issue here. Yesterday I did not take anything as I had someone here with me. Today is horrible, I want to take a handful of meds and be gone for a little while but I feel if I start I will not stop. I really do want to be dead, just go to sleep and not wake up ever. There is no fear in this decision, no fear at all, just a releif that it will finally be over and done with. The feeling of releif in typing this is unbeleivable, to be reading what I am thinking is reassuring and sets in too make me feel more ready and confident to act. The meds I have caused seizures so am a little uncertain about that but will take something else so I am knocked out and unaware of that anyway. So there it is guys, my problem is I not sure I want help but not sure that I don't. Maybe this is an opportunity to voice it, assert it to myself and concrete it in certainty. I have trouble presenting to hospital or case workers as I just go into polite good, very well thankyou mode and they cannot see why the hell I am there. I have considered writing it down as what I write is dark and scarry even for the case workers to read, but it is what is inside me all the time now. I feel as though I need to stand at the door and just slice my arm open right then and there, see guys Do you get it now, this is how I feel inside. But I would never ever do something like that. I am not going to go back and correct typos as otherwise I will start to remove parts of this and that.