TRIGGERING - GRAPHIC Privat Diary Segmant From 22nd March

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Twocky61, May 7, 2014.

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  1. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    The following is a segmant from my Private Members Diary & is really the only part of it I can post in a public forum

    "Self Harm Relief
    Self harmed quite seriously today though did not feel the need to visut casualty or even call an ambulance; not that I would have anyway as I feel I would be wasting paramedic/casualty's time as my injuries are self inflicted whilst other people there will be there beacause of accidents, assaults or for life saving operations/treatment

    Claire found me this morning laid on the bed bleeding and insisted I let her call an ambulance but I point blank refused - I know she loves me as I love her (though whether she loves me as intensely as I love her or she just sees me as her rescuer from her abusive ex and only loves me because of that and feels she owes me.....) but just her being here with me is enough so I don't need hospital treatment - I reluctantly let her treat my wounds as she does have first aid training plus she had to treat her own wounds when her ex abused her

    Now I am sat here online & Claire has gone out with friends after I convinced her I will be alright on my own - she was hesitant frightened she'd return to find me dead but I assured her I do not feel the need to self harm currently plus I am on SF so I am unlikely to self harm further; for today at least - I can't make long term promises to Claire as I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow - my feelings of needing to die (or at least self harm) vary from one hour to the next

    Claire does keep me going as she says I do her - many times she has wanted to die while with her ex & a few times she has tried to kill herself as have I - With Claire she never knew whether her ex would kill her anytime he felt like it - that each day she did not know if she would still be alive the next as often he would choke her as he raped her, sometimes until she lost consciousness so each time she lost consciousnees it was to her death coming only to wake later & find she is back in her hell again - it is mainly that fact which keeps me going that I have to be there for her as I know she is as emotionaly unstable as me - Whereas it was her finding me this morning having self harmed there have been times I have found her in a like situation where she has attempted suicide - once she was bleeding profusely & whilst waiting for paramedics to arrive I had to wrap a towel around her wound to stem bleeding - Later I was told she was that close to bleeding to death - That is the only time with Claire I was terrified I was losing her - there have been other times I feared for her life but that occassion was the nearest I got to being a widower"
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2014
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish I knew what to say to you that would in any way be useful to you. The outsider's advice to this situation is that this kind of codependency is inherently unhealthy and that for both of your sakes you both need to receive some therapy as a matter of some urgency. I know in the UK it is easier said than received, believe me. I also do not believe any outside advice from anyone will influence what you will eventually do in any case. You are a smart man and know this is extremely bad for the both of you and if you were going to do something to change it, you would not need my reply here to galvanise you.

    Regardless - speaking as someone who knows the terror of losing someone you love - and who understands the gripping pain of being able to do nothing to mitigate their personal demons and the sadness felt when your partner has a downward mood spiral and there seems to be nothing that will help bring them out of it - I will say that there is no happy ending to continuing the dynamic you currently have.

    Two broken people (by your own admission) excluding external supports and "being there for each other" - essentially saying "its okay that you are broken - I am broken too - we will be broken together" is not helping either person move forward - is not "real" help of the kind that is obviously needed if the both of you are suicidal and basically taking turns at scaring the other half to death.

    It is apparent from other posts you have written here that mental health services are trying to help - that you feel they are prying - I ask you to consider that you NEED someone to pry. For you and for Claire.
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thankyou for your advice Freya - the prying refers to my support worker Lyndsey (as per poem about her) & the fact I am not comfortable confiding in her in that she can't/won't keep what I tell her confidential; a case in point my telling her I am about to donate a kidney to a guy in Cleveland Ohio - all we are waiting for now is compatability & if we are compatible then he wii fly London so we can meet & then we will fly back to Cleveland for the transplant & then stay with him for a few weeks to cuperate then fly home

    Thanks again Freya

  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you might want to read about co-dependency issues and other relationship and mental health problems.

    I guess that you were just talking about the kidney transplant thing as an example, but I can't imagine that being good for you. I think it can be a big problem even for people who are healthy, and it can be an even bigger problem for someone who is in poor health.

    The link in my sig may have some helpful information for you. I hope that things can get better for you and Claire soon!
  5. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thankyou May

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

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