triggering myself :/

[*dilligaf*]

why do i keep triggering myself? why keep looking at things that i know are going to upset me? how sick does that make me.

i found some pictures last night, really horrible pictures, and i sat looking at them over and over again, til in the end i ended up c*utting. which just made me feel even worse.

now this morning im sitting looking at them again. whats wrong with me? its like i WANT to feel bad :unsure: but i dont. i want to be happy, want to be happy more than anything, like i have been the last week or so. thanks to a certain friend :wub: so why keep doing this to myself?

my nan asked me to research something this morning. something that i knew was going to trigger me, about her illness. and i had to do it, i couldnt say no to her when she wanted to know something. so i went on all these sites, sites that i have been avoiding because of the amount of information they give. well, now i wish i hadn't.

i upset someone this morning, i know i did. and that is the LAST thing i would ever want to do. they mean the world to me, and hurting them is horrible. :sad: :sad: :sad:

even while writing this, im sitting here listening to a song, a song who's video triggers me and puts ideas into my head. :unsure:

maybe the people are right eh? maybe i dont wanna get better? maybe i enjoy feeling bad? maybe im just an attention seeker? maybe i just like having something to moan about? who knows...cos i dont anymore :mellow:

 

[Sa Palomera]

I know you do wanna get better, sam, but that's hard when you're depressed. You are so used to feeling this way, so familiar with it, that it feels kinda safe for you, which is why it's so hard to get better, because you are 'afraid' to get better, 'afraid' to loose that feeling of safety, the feeling you are familiar with.

That's at least what I think, I could be wrong.

 

[RainbowChaser]

:hug:

 

[Marshmallow]

Right, i know what pictures you mean cos their exactly the same ones that triggered me and i hope you realise why i didn't tell you what they was of. Your right they are very horrible, hence why i told you to stay off that site and when you said you saved them, i told you to delete them and obviously you never :/

But darling, listen to me, i NEED you to delete them, please, if you don't wanna then please do it for me.

You need to stop watching that video. Yeah it is triggering and i need you to stop watching it cos i know it puts ideas in your head. So please stop watching it please.

You need to listen to me and stay off that site and i mean stay COMPLETELY away from it.

xxx

<3