Triggering question, caution.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by sunnypseudo, May 14, 2016.

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  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    It's a question I've been trying to ask for a while but I haven't had the guts. I know I can't be the only one, but it is my fear. So far all the symptoms I've been able to find and knowing I'm not alone in them but this one is very hard to admit to ask. Like, if I ask I'm solidifying it. Anyway enough rambling and getting to it..

    Has anyone else found themselves with I guess fond, fondish, feelings for their abuser? I hate him, but when I see pictures, I feel so conflicted. He terrifies me, it terrifies me. I don't go looking for him, but he's started popping up on my Facebook news feed as he's I guess he will alays be a part of the family somehow. I'm too scared to block him like not wanting to turn the lights out because you might not see the monsters. He was the closest thing I ever had to a father figure. I don't think that's the reason though. It sickens me. I feel sick when I don't feel utter hatred, or at least disgust for the man. He preyed on young teens as long as they weren't blood related. Years of him. Having to live under the same roof. Four years. Four years and my brain confuses him for someone that deserves to be liked, or admired or something. I can't figure out exactly what it is I feel but I hate it.

    Tell me I'm not alone. That it's normal, that I'm not sick and twisted.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm really sorry to hear about this. It must be really confusing for you.

    Maybe it depends on ones relationship to the person who abused you.

    I don't like saying this... but sometimes I miss my ex idiot... I love my current boyfriend to bits, and I know he is perfect to me, and treating me right... but sometimes I 'miss' all that mess, and feel like I deserve to be 'serving a master'... and it always f*cks me up mentally. I still struggle to say no if he gets in touch...

    As for my rapist... I hate what he did to me, what it did to my life... but I also have compassion for him... in a strange way... as well as one of the young men who abused me as a kid... he didn't have an easy life... but still, none of them is excused.

    I know what you say about the monsters and the light... but perhaps it would be better if you blocked him? Does it not trigger you seeing his posts?

    I hope you get the answers you need. You're not sick or twisted at all. Abuse does strange things to us!
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    It does. Thank you for sharing. I ended up doing some research and found some information that took me a little off guard. Reading into Stokholm syndrome extends so much further than I had ever imagined.
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