<TRIGGERING>, The Feeling of Dying

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TimeIsNow, Jan 12, 2012.

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  1. TimeIsNow

    TimeIsNow Member

    Hello SF family,


    Since being a member of this incredible site, I have ignored coming here because I thought I would never have any suicidal feelings. I thought I "was" cured of this deadly illness. After being shot <edit mod total eclipse triggering> by my best friend, I feel like I can't trust even life itself. This bullet that is stuck in my neck reminds me everyday that God has saved my life, but still being here I feel is a curse. Sometimes I wish that bullet would've killed me, but it only did for a half a minute. My eyes still open, light shinning bright, laying down on a table full of unknown names of people that were trying to save my life. I couldn't move none of my limbs nor talk to anyone. It was like I was talking within myself but no one could here me but myself. <edit mod total eclipse triggering> It was like I was nothing, like I never existed, and then I awoke the next day. It happened so fast and I was so scared. I ask myself still to this day why am I still here? I'm alive. My upper right teeth and gums were completely gone and the pain to recovery was mentally and physically frustrating. Right now I'm so depressed. After that experience I felt like nothing else can hurt me, even if I did something to myself. Day before yesterday I had a breakdown and I ended up breaking one of my promises to God and myself, I started cutting my left arm again and again until it started bleeding. My heart hurts so bad! The feeling of reality I'm loosing dramatically. I have nobody in my corner. My brother and my mother doesn't want anything to do with me even though whenever they need help I'm there to help them no matter what. Porcelain that's in my mouth hurts especially when there's freezing temperature. I hate knowing that I have nothing but a BIG empty space in my right upper mouth but porcelain teeth makes up for it. They hurt now. Right now I feel like dying again. June 20th, 2010 is when I was suppose to be gone from this terrible world. I want to help people though, but I have to go through this struggle in order to become a stronger individual. I love SF, because I feel like people on here understands me more than my own family that's been knowing me for 27 years now. I know I can't give up. SF has been through everything with me. Dying is a big decision to make. I feel like I'm a burden to everybody by just existing. Everyone hates me and you know what I can give a fuck really! Its not what everyone thinks, there's some type of unknown emotion that's unexplained. I don't know who I am ever since I died and came back. Frustration, I'm past that. Life, what does it feel like to be past that too? Incredible. I'm here for a reason but right now I'm fighting a demon within myself and only God can help me. Its either Him(God) or him(Lucifer). Taking my life won't settle anything I know, but time is never promised to none of us. WE just gotta live. I never knew I was gonna get shot for nothing by my own best friend, its hard to trust. Overdosing on pills would only kill my flesh but my soul continues to live on. I'm here for a reason, and I believe that's to save those through my story. LIFE is WORTH LIVING!! I'm just fighting myself!! Love you SF!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2013
  2. you never think you need these sites till you do.... I am glad god saved you.... he left me long ago while I held my best friends broken dying body, nobody could saave her from a bullet to the neck. but it was iraq the doctors were not as good. your friend shot you and you lived, my friend was shot and she died with me trying to hold the blood in while your friend let yours out. we are on oppisate ends but we both think we can live.
     
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