well, its now Sunday.. for the last 2 weeks ive been desperately planning to make an attempt.. Ive managed to put it off each and everytime saying i will do it the next day. That i wouldnt attempt unless i was 150% sure it would work, i was not haveing another failed attempt..so being the perfectionist i am going over every last detail.... 2 weeks ago i also decided that i am going to lose more weight against every person i know saying.. every meal i have eaten in the lasy 2 weeks has came back up.. I've also been eating one meal maximum a day for about a month now..i still want to lose weight, and im going to but the purging is going to stop.. the self harm.. well even though ive been SI free for 3 months im going to make sure i dont start back up again.. im even thinking about throwing out my blade.. bloody hard thing to do but it will need to be done.. soon.. im going to do my best for 1 month, my friend told me if i tried harder then i wouldnt have all these nightmares/flashbacks and wouldnt always feel so empty so im going to try my hardest for 1 month...Im not going to attempt, i dont care what happens, ive been attempt free for half a year nearly.. I can last another month.. if in a months time i want to attempt ok, at least i can say for 1 months ive tried that i dont feel like this purely cause im not trying hard enough.. Self harm, well ive been doing well, i admit that, Every time i look at my scars i want to SH again but no, no more SH i dont care but its stopping for good, this isnt just another attempt to stop, this is it! my eating- ok well i know my friend spoke about my eating being part of the problem and im going to try to stop purging, im going to try to keep that 1 meal a day down but im also going to start takeing laxatives.. maybe a healthier choice then constantly purging.. expecially now that my other diet pills have ran out... Flash backs and nightmares.. i dont care, i dont care.. its the past i shouldnt care and for the next month im going to just pretend like its not bothering me... im going to be better.. So my friend thinks if i can change my thinking i will be happier.. admittedly i got quite cranky at first, how is this my fault, i cant control all this and its my life anyways.. not theirs.. well ive agreed to them they can take control of my life for 1 month..if i feel better in the month than great ill keep going.. if i feel the same then theres always back to attempting..