triggering :Why suicide , a selfish actor a hunt for peace

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by liveinhope, Jun 19, 2008.

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  1. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Why Suicide?? A selfish Act??? Or a hunt for peace???

    I want to be very honest with you and share some thoughts because this to is yet another secret that I have been carrying alone for several years now, and one I feel hugely guilty about, but by sharing my thoughts with you perhaps it may help.

    It would be fair to say that I have many thoughts of suicide , they are not daily but they do occur several times a week and for the most part I know inwardly that if I can just get to the next day they will subside for a while, but sometimes especially if I’m alone in the dark and I have had several flashbacks or panic type feelings I find myself returning to that same thought pattern again, but it escalates to a point where I will sit and research methods, ways in which if I do make this choice I know it will be permanent, my fear, sadness, frustration, inability to beat these feelings which can lead to a sense of failure on my part will then lead to anger perhaps even rage, directed at myself for allowing my past to govern my present and today’s him for taking away a childhood. I then want revenge I guess a way of punishing him for what he did, I say punishing him because I’m not sure it would hurt him, but by leaving this world and telling all he would then have to live with the repercussions from others, so even if he doesn’t remember what happened then he will have to live with what will happen now.
    When I do feel this way I also do feel like 2 people though I know I’m not because the adult me knows that this would be so destructive to others and I tell myself of the turbulent life my own children may lead , the consequences that my actions will have on their lives and I then feel so very guilty for even have such thoughts having known what a childhood , without being a child can be like, but then follows the hurt and the confusion and the disbelief, and this is where I think the child part comes back and with full force , I think its that part of me that wants to end everything, because if the child in me died, then the adult me wouldn’t have this continuous battle, I yearn for a peaceful mind one where I’m only thinking normal thoughts like kids, works, normal everyday problems.
    When I did attempt to take my life I was not scared I was sad, sad to be leaving my children, sad of not knowing what they may become, who they may meet, what they may do with their lives, but I also felt a sense of calm, I have spent all of my life doing for others and this was one thing I had to do for me, I know how selfish that may sound, and I am not normally a selfish person I have always put others before myself.
    When I woke up I can remember a huge feeling of despair a cloud so dark and so consuming it engulfed me and to this day I don’t think I was ever able to truly free myself from it, I had so many feelings of guilt and of dread, knowing I had to face my family and try to offer some explanation which of course I couldn’t, I recall the devastation on my sons face and telling myself you can never put him in this place again, so the battle is there to and often one thing that does stop me is seeing that face. But I don’t know if it will stop me forever, I was asked to make a promise that I wouldn’t do it again, but how could I make a promise I may not be able to keep.
    Thoughts of suicide are with me daily, and the feeling that I should be grateful for being another opportunity in life when my friends were taken and had no choice in their departure, I then think of what happened to us after death if there is another place would I be granted a space or would that be taken away because I chose to leave, would I meet with the people ive lost will they be there waiting, everything I miss would be back and then I know how irrational these thoughts are and so it goes on.
    I firmly believe that no other person can truly have any understanding of suicidal thoughts unless they t have been there because they are so crushing and so negative, you can almost be rendered helpless, not knowing what to do and certainly knowing its not a topic you can be open about, so you go through each week, sometimes each day, telling the world you are doing ok, often trying to convince yourself you are ok to, which of course is not the case because if it were the thoughts wouldn’t be there in the first place.
    I have great difficulty in admitting even to myself that the thoughts are still there often trying to put this side of my life into yet another box, but sadly that box is not secure and they will not stay inside, they spill out sometimes and the battle begins once more


    As a child living with abuse in a silence world every day you feel bound so tight, the silence has stayed etched in my mind .never being able to truly leave the past behind.
    Traumas so deep within, but inside they stay, and continue to hide even into adulthood.
    I've broken the silence, in the hope that I don't have to hide anymore,
    but feelings of hopelessness just continue to add to the internal debate of living or leaving. No one can understand unless they to have been to this place within, you can't even explain why you have these thoughts, so mad and insane knowing the destruction they will cause to those you love.
    I Try to explain, in words but it can be confusing, and words can lead to I don't knows or maybe its because I can't deal with anymore turmoil in this life .Instead of sharing what im really feeling I say life’s "great" I can smile and wear a mask who needs to know its because of my past?.
    I remain with flashbacks in my mind why I can't just leave the past behind. Why does the past still control who I am.
    I Struggle through each and every day, but still I have to smile and say that I am ok. When silenced from such a young age you begin to become indoctrinated but, still I’m here trapped in that cage even after years have passed.
    But Never mind one day tomorrow will come and I will be free, sadly up to now that tomorrow hasn’t come, so until then trapped I will always be.

    Dawn
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    what has helped me when i'm down that path of thinking / obsessing on suicide is to have as many obstacles as possible between me and my plan. this can be anything from sleeping over at a freind's (so i'm not alone), to not having prescriptions at hand, to not drinking (i'm more tempted when i've had a few), to going to the ER where i know i will be safe, at least for the night. it's a very practical approach. yes, i tackle the underlying stuff in therapy, but i take responsibility for the other 'roadblocks' myself.

    i also keep a list of 'early warning' signs - symptoms basically, and responses. so when i cut back on sleep, start drinking, start cutting, etc. i know i'm headed down the wrong path. as long as i stick to the list i know i will be okay. in big letters at the top it says "do not harm yourself" ... i can save myself hours and hours of obsessing on suicide if i stick to the activities on the list.

    i also feel a terrible legacy from the abuse i experienced as a child. what has helped with the worst of it is to visualize it in a box. each week i take the box down from the shelf, together with my therapist we open it.... tackle a few things... and then put it back on the shelf. sure, it means the other 6 days i am ignoring the big stuff, the stuff that has to be healed for me to be well. but in order to be safe we just take it one hour at a time, one week at a time. i am a perfectionist, and i'm often in a rush, but i cannot rush this. my overall safety is more important.

    do you find it is your family or friends that you say "i'm fine" to, or is it to everyone else? could you find one or two people that you might share your true feelings with? what do you think might happen if you opened up?

    i am certain that you won't always feel as trapped as you do now. healing takes time, especially if, like me, you have been hanging on to your secrets for years. the great news is that you are ready to address them now. this means you are strong enough. you are brave enough. and you will survive this.

    c.
     
  3. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    Re: triggering :Why suicide , a selfish act or a hunt for peace

    dawn

    My dear and trusted friend, i am sorry for the times I have found it hard to tolerate the suicidal feelings i know u suffer and that torment u so.

    I know how u have found yourself here and i have no doubt that what u have been through has led u to this dark and lonely , hopeless state at times , for that I cannot help but feel utter contempt for those responsible .

    My reasons for wanting u to stay here with me are of course partly selfish , our friendship being strong , unique in that we each understand where the other is at without words even sometimes .

    But mostly my reasons are unselfish , they are about me wanting u to recieve something great from this world before u leave , i ve seen first hand the good that u do and the people u support , many of whom outside of here have no idea that whilst supporting them u are suffering yourself so badly.

    And of course away from here no one knows like i do that bond between u and ur kids that i have known and seen for years and the mutual cherishing of each other between u all. They dont deserve to lose u my bestest friend in the world , and u sure as heck dont deserve them.

    Please try to stay for as long as u can , i will always be here when ur demons strike , i will never desert u . I have demons too , lets continue to ward them off together for as long as we can , u know we can be a force to be reckoned with in everyone elses defence , lets win this one for ourselves hun please .....if u can .

    And if god forbid one day u cannot , fear not about my care of u and my utmost respect for who u are , what u stand for , that will never extinguish.

    You can do it my friend , maybe not for u just now but for the hope of a brighter tomorrow , when u will be weary and tired no more .

    my devoted friendship always

    jo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx hug hug hug
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am sorry you are feeling bad! I can relate to you. I have a daughter and a grandaughter. When I tried to commit,once I woke up and once I told her what happen she told me if I ever tried that again she would never forgive me.
    My suicidal thoughts are there everyday. So I take baby steps and set small goals for the day. Some times I acheive my goal for the day, and other days I am just so gray and gloomy.(mood swings).
    I find talking on the forum and trying to help others is very beneficial to my illness. I am running out of ideas to keep my mind active.
    Thats all for now because I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts seperated...:chopper:
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Dawn, I know what it is like to wish that child had not survived because then the adult wouldn't have to suffer either. I want you to remeber that the child did survive. The child survived the actual events and the flashbacks, while so real, stem from the memories. The adult can survive as the child did. She had amazing strength and passed it on to you. You are passing that strength on to your children, showing them that no matter what they face in their lifetimes, they can survive and go on.You are surrounded by people that love and support you. They cannot protect you from those things buried deep within, but they canbe there while you wrestle with your minds attempt to process what has happened and put it away so that you can recognize them as a memory and they are the past but do not have to be the future. Your struggle will be worth your successes as you watch your children and grandchildren grow and mature. You do not want to leave them with the legacy of what the alternatives could bring. Thank you for having the courage to continue on depite everything. Take care my friend. :hug:
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun I just want to offer you my biggest hugs and all the support I can offer. I'm here for you whenever you need to talk or vent.
     
  7. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    I apologise for the thread being so long but it is something i wrote and then took to my counselling session where i then read it to her. I have a good relationship with my counsellor but i have never in the 4 years i seen her been this honest about how i truely feel somedays, she surprised me by her response as she had tears in her eyes, i dont know if it was relief that at last i had actually shared what she suspected or if it just touched someething within.

    Thank you all for the replies i feel very fortunate to have made such caring friends here at SF and when things look bleak i know i can share my feelings with you all

    Thank you so much ............... im so emotional today sorry if its a bit slushy but its true hugs
     
  8. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    *hug i would like to apologise to Dawn , for the typing error i made in my reply to her thread above :sad:

    i had meant to say 'she certainly didnt derserve to lose her kids'

    and it came out 'she doesnt deserve tham'

    nothing could be further from the truth she is a wonderful devoted mother and i felt i needed to explain my error , my only defence - clumsiness due to just having read dawns thread and the realisation that my best and dearest long time friend was still so close to leaving us all at times, my thoughts were sailing ahead to ways i could help her to want to stay and fight hug hug

    i am truly sorry dawn *hug

    luvs ya xxxxxxxxx take care
     
  9. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Jo

    I knew what you meant hun ive known you for a very long time and can read your face so please dont feel the need to apologise its ok, im sorry i cant seem to find a reason to stay and that waves of wanting to leave keep swelling over me, i know you understand becouse you see me often and i cant hide from you.
    It will pass

    be safe and strong and concentrate on you dont worry about me hugs
     
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