tring to cope

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by autie234, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. autie234

    autie234 New Member

    My father killed himself 18 years ago and I had a real hard time dealing with his death. After many years I finally let go and realized that it wasn't my fault. I did tho blame my stepmother. I now know that it wasn't her fault either because, recently my fiance killed himself. I just don't understand. He shot himself in the head. When I heard the gun go off I was scared to death to go up stairs. I called his name and he didn't answer me. Never in a million years did I expect to find him dead. I called 911 and they had me do cpr but I knew he was gone. I had blood all over me. I don't think I'll ever forget that smell. The police took my clothes, shoes, and tested me for gunpowder on my hands. They were there for 8 hours. His family blames me and at one point even tryed to say I did it. Anyone who knows me knows I wouldn't hurt a fly. I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm glad I found this site maybe someone can help me understand why.

  2. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Member

    Hi audie,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I losst my father 14 years ago and still can't get over it. It's a long, hard process. Don't listen to your fiances family. YOU know you didn't do it so that is all that matters. Sometimes when someone commits suicide they feel that they can't talk to anyone, or they don't want to bother anyone. Your fiance probably didn't want you worrying about him day and night so he didn't tell you his feelings. He probably didn't want to bother you with something "Stupid". I say that because that is how i felt and still feel. Suicide may not be the best thing to do but the person who is doing it, it might seem like the only thing to do. It is not your fault what happened to your fiance, i hope you understand that. My heart goes out to you in your difficult time.
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You know the truth. You didn't do anything to your fiance.
    Was there any indication of your fiance wanting to do something like this.
  4. autie234

    autie234 New Member

    My heart goes out to you too. I was daddy's girl. I finally decided that if I didn't let go he would not rest in peace and more than anything I didn't want him to know how much I was suffering. I know that my fiance family is just as hurt as I am and trying to cope with losing someone they loved dearly. When something like this happens you want to blame someone. His mom is 84 and she is such a dear women. And whats really sad is his dad did the same thing the same way.
  5. autie234

    autie234 New Member

    Mystic Eyes

    No there was no indication of him wanting to die. He had the same problems everyone else does in their lives. Nothing to kill yourself over. He had to have issues that I didn't know about. His best friend told me after he died he talked about it before which I never knew. All I know is that I'm angry one day and the next crying. I know this is normal. I wish I could talk to him one more time just to find out why??
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    im sorry for your loss :hug:
  7. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Sounds like he was genetically predisposed to that line of thinking.