Trip down memory lane

[na-taya]

*******POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*******
(Also of this of wrong area of forum please feel free to move it)



Sometime they are great ideas and sometimes not so much. My trip down memory lane was on Facebook and videos I up loaded in 2009. I've seen them plenty of times however tonight I had a realisation about two of the clips. One of the clips was taken the day before a very close call suicide attempt. The other was taken after I was able to come home after the attempt and I know because I had bruising all up the inside of my wrist (still no idea why) and I could see it in the video. I have know about the second one for awhile now but the first one I only noticed the small clue about 20 minutes ago now. I am dancing with a friend in both of the clips they are different songs in each clip. Never in your wildest dreams would you guess the reality behind them unless I told you. People would guess the exact opposite.

I have a whole lot of feels right now.

Everything I've learnt says I shouldn't be ashamed of my illnesse and the battles i face because of it, however i still cant find my voice.

I have put in a hell of a lot of work since then but I still and I honestly 100% believe I will always have thoughts of wanting to end, just sometimes it will consume me more than other.

Right now I am tired. Every inch of me is tired body, mind and soul. I can not recharge no matter what I do at the moment, I feel like I am constantly playing catch up. I've been dealing with my depression increasing and taking longer naps and just sleeping more because I'm exhausted beyond normal.

Sometimes, actually often I so desperately wonder if only it was a tiny bit longer till someone found me.
On the flip side I feel guilty for putting someone I cared about through dealing with that.

Urgh...I'm just tired. I kinda wish I didn't find that out tonight it just made me more tired.

I am safe....just tired

 

[Butterfly]

I guess that for some of us we will always have these thoughts to some degree. But thoughts do not mean action. I think acceptance is a very powerful tool. I am currently working on acceptance as I've lost a lot due to my mental illness. I think you should give yourself a break and look at how far you've come. I'm only at the beginning of my new journey. And there's always a chance to make changes and more improvements to your life.

 

[na-taya]

I needed that. Thank you @Butterfly

 

[Butterfly]

I needed that. Thank you @Butterfly

No problem xx

 

[Champagne]

You've come a long way and you should be very proud of that. Your battles to not equal shame or guilt, you are wonderful just the way you are. @Butterfly is right, acceptance is a powerful too, give that a try and see hoe it goes. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

 

[na-taya]

I accepted a while ago I will have those thought and realized its more about what I do when they are so stong and it's hard to focus on anything else an I begin it start planning.

I think it just threw me because no body would have ever of guessed that was going on in my life at the time of those videos, and sometimes I still wish it had worked but again I think it will always be that way.

Thanks for dealing with my rambles about it!