Trouble--It always starts this way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, Sep 30, 2009.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I think I'm in trouble again. There's a pattern and it's happening again tonight. I start getting irritable. Then go through my stuff and start throwing things away. I never finish that. Then I find all the potent meds (mine & hubby's) that could put me to sleep forever and put them in a pouch. I have them now. Whenever I've gotten this far, I've never actually taken them, but my Pdoc said that since I've done this a number of times already, it's just a matter of time until I follow through--he wants me to check into the psych hospital when the pattern begins. I don't want to go--I don't want to tell my husband. He hasn't understood the seriousness of all of this in the past. But I'm afraid he may now.

    I'm just so tired of all of this. I try to fight it--I asked my Pdoc too--why can't I fight it. He said that the way my brain misfires and I've not had any treatment for over 40 yrs, I can't fight it--I can't. That's scary.

    And it's starting to happen again. I just want this to stop.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Then you need to find things to do that will break the pattern. Go out for a drive, call a friend that you havent talked to in a while, go to a movie, go for a brisk walk to try and burn off the negative thoughts. Anything to break the chain hun. Stay here, go into chat, go to the arcade. Go to the coffee forum. Just grab at anything and dont let go. You may not be able to fight it. But you dont have to let it win either. You're here so let other members or activities here distract your thoughts. Even take a long hot bath, candles bubbles the works then a hot cocoa or milk and crawl into bed. Please hun anything that will break the pattern.
  3. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a serious situation, that you know well.

    What if your Pdoc is wrong? What if it isn't your brain, but rather old habits? I don't know anything about you, except what you've told us, but people can break habits, even after 40 years.

    Keep holding on!

    You are a good writer, maybe you could write more.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I say give you Pdoc a call let him or her know what is going on and if not call crisis let them know what Pdoc said talk to someone until you can get through this call your husband talk to him The pouch of meds well either throw them out or give them up to a friend to hold a neighbor to keep you safe.
  5. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone.

    Thank you twc. I do write quite a bit of poetry & essays. Some dark, some very light.

    What Pdoc was trying to tell me was the importance of going to the hospital for help because his fear, through experience, is that the longer these incidents go on, even though not acted upon, it is inevitable one day I'll cave in and it's over. He wants me to go to hospital. I'm afraid. I know it sounds silly, but I am. I thought about the car and saw me crashing it. I thought about a walk and stepping out in front of a semi-trailer.

    I have books, music, puzzles, soduko, etc. When I'm like this, nothing can keep me occupied for long.

    I guess if it's another hard night I'll have to tell hubby we have to go--but I'm afraid. Never been to a psych hospital. It's very small. but still....
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