Trouble Meeting New People (Social Anxiety)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by yous, Jul 3, 2010.

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  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I get scared of meeting up with people in person for the few times around.

    I am scared of being judged. Of the conversation turned to boredom. Of a potential relationship to turn sour.

    I am more of a listener. I know I think to much. But from virtually every bad experience I have had in the past, how can I not put up a wall? I can I not think the possible negative outcomes.

    I have tried not to. I have tried to think positive. Not hold any expectations. Not to assume anything. Yet the people I meet, turn out exactly like everyone else in my life.

    Please I need advise on what to do about this.
  2. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Are you female or male? How old are you?

    Being a good listener is part of the conversation. People enjoy being listened to. Just summarize what they say so they know that you are listening.

    Negativity can be a part of your problem. I had a friend who used to club all the time. He was a happy go lucky guy who made friends with customers. He told me that people want to know that your a happy person. If you can, don't let people know right off that something is troubling you.

    Try not to worry about making friends. Friends is not everything. But they can be a great help duing hard times. Society has brainwashed us into believing that we need to get married by 24.

    Looking back, jogging and bicycling was the easiest way to make friends. You already have something in common. And if you are an average rider, they will want to go to races or tours with you. Ironically, college was not the easiest. Because people prioritized study. But the study groups were fun. I did meet alot of people and went out alot. But I never really kept in touch but maybe four.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2010
  3. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I just need help in getting past the hurdle of bringing myself enough nerve to go and meet new people in person. There are several people who have invited me to go somewhere, but I always felt insecure and flaked out, making excuses that I can't go because I was afraid of socializing. Saying the wrong thing, or not being the funny guy at the party.

    I'm a positive person usually. I consider myself very supportive and a great listener if put in a place where people are reciprocating and not self-absorbed, but people wander off to the guy who poured a lot of drink over him and burps through his butt.

    It's not easy when it comes to being the 'ideal person' for the person you are meeting. I know I don't have to be perfect or ideal, but people judge, I'm afraid of what might happen and I regret every agreeing to go out.

    Can someone tell me if they have ever gone on a blind date and the person was less than expected? Or if you were at the beginning of your relationship and it started heading sour? How do you cope with that? I mean its like you put some effort into it, only to ask yourself 'what for? I'm only going to be hurt again.' This person is losing interest.

    Oh and sorry, I didn't mean the title to mean Meet New People in general like a club. I meant after finding people online for example and they invite me to go out to meet them in do I conquer that fear anxiety?
  4. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    The worst thing that can happen in front of your friends is probably not as bad as you think.

    I think that you already realize that the problem is mental.

    Having someone find out that yall are not compatible on a first date is much better than into a relationship.

    You never gave your age. If you are still in college, I'd worry about your studies. The friends will follow once you find your niche or hobbies.
  5. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I don't see how age is so important in this. But for what its worth. I'm 36 years old. With 0 friends and never been in a relationship. You want to call me mental. Fine. But I'm not the only one.
  6. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Age tells alot about what you should be focusing on like career, school, etc.

    If I'm talking to a 21 or 36, it does make a difference, experience wise and goal wise.

    I didn't mean to sound the wrong way when I said mental. Except that you need to realize that you shouldn't feel negative about your potential. I'm 40 and been through the phases of insecurity too. Until I felt comfortable with myself. For example some girls put height as a priority. We can't change what one girl wants. But really the most important quality is being comfortable with oneself and confidence.

    About your age was when I started to change the way I felt about myself and women, so it really isn't too late to change.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2010
  7. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Well i tried the social scene and now I'm giving up. I decided to try it now for 3 months just so I can say I gave it a try, but it was just as I expected if not worse. The feeling of meeting new people is not only uncomfortable, but I never can get used to the feeling that this person I meet will never know me really. And the relationship can fall anytime. It's not natural either. It's not like I met a stranger at work or was introduced by people. It's just blind dates. It's horrible experience.
  8. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Have you tried meds?

    They can often help. I used to be the same, still am at times. I used to think and not be able to speak, like have my own conversations in my head and just be mute. I used to get so nervous being around people that at night I would relive the events of the day in dream but kind of be awake as well. I moved my body according to the position of my body in the dream and try not to fall completly asleep in fear that the people around me in my dream would mock me.

    Im sure if you took it slowly you could make it without meds but its so much harder.
  9. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    There is this new person who wants to meet me. But they are not giving me the time to get to know them in a good way through email first. This person is literally forcing me to meet with them or end the friendship. I know from their point of view that it may seem ridiculous to have social anxiety, but they are not understanding the difficulty I am having. Not even acknowledging it in a kind, respectful way. It's either there way or nothing at all.

    Sure I have wanted to end this relationship many times before meeting, but its not like I have a lot of friends who have stuck by me, that I don't need friends that are hard to come by. This person did want real friendship, but then again who really has that in a long run?

    Should I even bother forcing myself to meet this person in chance in may work out or worse turn disastrous?
  10. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    If this person is forcing you to meet with them and you're not comfortable with that, then no matter if they want a 'real friendship' or not, they're not going to be a very good friend to you. Friends are people who can be there for you and understand what you're going through - help you. Not force you into situations you aren't comfortable with and threaten to terminate the friendship when you don't comply. This person will only make things harder for you, not better, and they'll do it under the disguise of being a 'friend'. I understand only too well what it's like to feel lonely and have no real friends around you, but no friends are better than bad ones. You should focus your efforts onto someone else who will appreciate and enjoy your friendship rather than someone who is willing to terminate it so easily.
  11. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    YOU are so right about this. Everyone works at their own pace and if someone forces another to change or to do something they don't feel right, it is wrong. And it was what this person was destructively doing to me. I would voice my opinion, but the person would insist thus ruining what would have been an ok relationship. It's strange how people are so blinded by what effect they are having on others without understanding or realizing the situation from their POV. I tried telling the person what is going on with me, but there was no understanding on his part. Why are people so blinded and self-absorbed/selfish?
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