Trouble with liking someone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by jazzmeister, Aug 24, 2014.

  1. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Hello guys. I kinda need help on this one because I after everything that happened this weekend, I've been bummed out and I need to let it out somewhere.

    Maybe I just didn't want to admit it before but now, I really think I'm gay but still, I would also like to think that it is a phase. I'm not sure how my family would take it if they knew I was gay and would not marry to a girl like they expected. I've told some people at work and I think a few of my friends already know just by how I act but they just don't want to say anything before I do.

    Anyway, the reason I am bummed out is because of two things. You see, I really like some of the guys at work. They're good-looking, really nice, funny; everything I could say would be the perfect guy by my standards. However, the problem is that they either already have a girlfriend or a fiancee. Also, we have different departments and rank in the company. I already told one of those guys about myself and that I like him. I also told him that, even though I really like him, I wouldn't do anything to ruin his relationship with his fiancee out of respect for both of them. Others I haven't told them about myself or my feelings but I also respect their relationships. Even if I did say that I respect their relationships, everytime I see them with their girls, I feel a dull pain and sadness probably because of the thought that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with any of them anymore.

    The other problem was that I was supposed to have sort-of date with the guy that I already told about myself. We were planning to have a movie day with just the two of us. I got the things we needed while he planned the schedule so as none from our workplace, his housemate, nor his fiancee would know about our meeting. Anyway, our movie day got postponed because we were not sure about the schedule of his housemate. It was moved to yesterday when his girl was supposed to go to work for overtime. On the day of our movie day, our meeting got cancelled because his girl was on her dayoff and now, he's still thinking on when we can do the movie day. While I'm happy that he still tries to plan out our movie day, I'm just sad that it got cancelled. It's been a while since I last saw him face to face so I was really looking forward to see him again. Also he and his fiancee are moving to another house in the same area but have lots of other tenants. I thought that with more tenants, it would make it harder to schedule our meeting which makes me think that it would never happen anymore and after all the preparations I made.

    Sorry for the long post but I just needed to get it out of my chest and try to explain everything so that it would make it easier for anyone who wants to give advice to think of one.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I'm not gonna sound particularly nice with this (and I hate being a martyr), but I honestly think you need to consider looking further afield than people you work with. Mixing work with pleasure can often put more strain on things in both places if they go wrong.

    The guy who you're trying to have a movie night with is already with someone, and as you say you respect his relationship, you wouldn't be likely to have much more than just a lads night in. And would it really be fair that his partner doesn't know that you're meeting when you have a potential uncertainty over sexuality? Him scheduling so no-one knows suggests that there's room for everything to go wrong (if anything happened, he could brush it off as experimentation and maybe as never even happening - then outing himself as someone who lies and hides the truth - would you want that to be the potential foundation of the relationship?)

    I do understand the frustration and the "bummed out" approach to things being cancelled more than once - it does suggest one of 2 things. A busy life (easily possible), or someone who's not fully committed to the plan. I'd suggest it's more the first one as he's still looking to plan a movie day, but I wouldn't expect too much other than sit, relax, maybe have a couple of drinks and nothing else to happen. He's engaged as well, and it could well make the workplace a little more stressful to endure if it didn't go the way you wanted it to.

    That being said, sexuality isn't something you can pick or choose. Whatever makes you happier (being with guys or girls), is what decides that. My overall advice? Approach with caution with work colleagues who are in relationships with females, especially those who are engaged.
  3. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Okay I was warned but I guess do things so well.

    The guy I really like in the company, he and I are good friends. We hang out a lot during breaks, sit next to each other during lunch and in our shuttle service to and from work. I also guarded his fiancee at the hospital when she was confined and helped pay the bill. Me and his fiancee are okay friends too. I talk verbally and thru text to both a lot so we're good.

    However, before the guy said that I should watch what I say thru text since his fiancee sometimes looks thru his phone. For me, I find it a bit unethical but I tried my best to watch what I say but I forgot about this a few times already and he warned me time and again. Now, he says that his fiancee is a bit suspicious.

    I feel really guilty for having him go through this because of me, especially when i told him that I don't want to put a strain on their relationship. Basically, I just want to be close to him and maybe reach a little something more. Now, I feel like crying because of what I have done. I am considering to just back off completely and make our relationship totally professional but it really hurts inside for me to think that. It also hurts when I sometimes think that because of this, he will stop talking or coming near me anymore. I am also considering that I try to talk to his fiancee to try to remove some of her suspicions but i fear it might just get worse if she didn't hear it from the guy.

    I don't know what to do. I want to stay close to him but I don't want him to lose his future wife because of me. I don't know what to do.