Trouble with my girlfriend, need help.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Blinkers, May 8, 2008.

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  1. Blinkers

    Blinkers New Member

    I have been dating my girlfriend for about 9 months now, and we are having extremely bad intimacy problems. She was rapped when she was 18 and she told me this at the beginning of the relationship. Shortly after we started dating I started getting really bad anxiety due to a stressful job, she was very supportive, but after some time it started to make me paranoid and moody, she also started to seem less interested in sex. I had been very very supportive when she didn't want to, but over time it seemed like she didn't want to more and more. So I was poutty many times about it, and I started to worry that she didn't love me anymore. Mind you this was my very first relationship (I'm 22) and so everything was very new and very confusing for me. In my therapy for my anxiety and panic attacks long before we had any sexual problems, my therapist told me we would have many problems due to her rape, I didn't believe her. Fast forward to now, my girlfriend and I have talked about it many times, and she continually blames me and lists reasons why she is turned off to sex. So I've done the best that I can, I continue to do everything I can for her, I stopped asking and pretty much stopped initiating sex for a while now at least 2 months I would say. We have had sex off and on over the couple months, probably 3-4 times I would think. Last night I asked if we could which I normally don't do but she is completely unresponsive to me trying to initiate the proper way. I asked because it had been about 2 and a half weeks since the last time, and she has an upcoming convention that will use up all of her time, so I asked since I didn't see her getting any less busy in the next 3 weeks. She agreed (mind you at this point I thought that everything for the most part was ok) so I tried to initiate it and she just seemed totally disinterested, and so I stopped and asked her what was wrong, she told me she didn't really want to but to just do what I wanted, which I won't do. She then told me that it didn't really matter if she wanted to it would just be like the time before and the time before that and the time before that. I was devastated I didn't realize she had been forcing herself to have sex with me. I felt like I had rapped her, I was disgusted, I honestly love this girl with all my heart and I would never do anything to harm her. She also brought up a sexual thing that she had offered to do with me many times and told me it made her feel demeaned, which I don't understand because she offered. Basically my therapist saw it coming long before we had trouble, and I don't know what to do now, she says she needs time to heal but as time is passing it just seems to be getting worse. She was never treated for her rape when she was 18, but she says she doesn't need help and she is fine. However she has said a couple times her rape is why some things get weird for her. I want to support her as much as I can, but every therapist I have seen (4 of them) has told me that without sexual attraction a relationship will not work. I know the way I acted was stupid, but I feel like she won't forgive me for my mistakes, and I don't feel it warrants the way she is acting. What should I do? Am I to blame?

  2. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Hi Alan,

    Im really sorry to hear about all this stuff that you are going through.

    I honestly dont think you are to blaim at all. you thought you were making love in a proper relationship, you cant be expected to know what is going on in her head.

    she sounds like she really needs some help and support.

    Please PM me if you want to chat xxxx
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Im sorry but I didnt read your whole post.. So I hope you wont be mad at me for asking questions.. Does she complain of any pain during sex? I have a problem with it being painful.. I cant remember the spelling right now but basically its a fear and stress induced responce where the cp muscle tightens and makes it hard to enter which causes the female some pain... Think of an eye blinking when something comes twords it..Same thing.. Sometimes its called a vaginal blink..Its the bodys way of protecting itself from more pain (which usually causes more so Im not so sure about that one)... It can be caused by injury to the area, a bad sexual experience (rape) or anything else...
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