Troubled mind, troubled body, troubled heart, and troubled soul.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Jul 25, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I am so much hurting right now.... I have 4 things that are bringing me down and i cant pull myself up from them.. no matter how much i try to i always get broken back down again..


    My mind is troubled. It is or rather has a harsh problem that i can not see an answer to.. I have done or rather let my niece hurt others and my mind is troubled. Troubled because i do not know what happened. Troubled because i cant fix things without knowing exactly what went wrong.. Troubled because others want to keep me in the dark about it , knowing that keeping me in the dark is keeping me in bondage and perhaps they get their joy out of watching me suffer.


    My body is troubled because of a illness that i can not cure. An illness that took my mom away. An illness that scares me. an illness that makes me think it was brought upon me because i was terrified at all times after seeing my mom die of it that that terror finally turned into real.. I have often heard many times that if one wishes for something or think of something hard and long enough then it will finally happen, so perhaps my fears of this cancer became so strong that it happened.. perhaps it was because of the OD that day , the meds that lay in my body for a while before i was found that effected and did the damage so much that it has lead to my liver cancer now.. perhaps it is because these fears and all the emotional feelings i have had lead me to get the cancer.. Perhaps it is Gods way of taking me out of this hard life i have had so i can find rest with him and be without pain or perhaps it is the other way around and that God hates me and wants me to suffer so much..


    My heart is troubled.. It is broken , tattered , and torn.. it has many holes in places that once were full and it beats with a broken heart. My heart can not be full or without these holes cause it has caused much hurt and heartache upon other hearts. my heart bleeds deeply because there is so much hurt and heartache.. It bleeds for the truth.. For the option to be healed but it knows deep down it will never be healed again.. Deep down my heart is bleeding and the blood comes through the holes so much easier as each day the heart gets another hole put upon it.. Soon the holes will be to big to even hold any blood in it and then the heart will no longer need to bleed.


    I am a troubled soul.. My soul is troubled dearly by some things.. or rather several things.. My soul wants to continue to fight on and continue to find hope and peace yet it can not be found without the willings of another party. My soul bleeds just as much as my heart and crys out to the Lord every minute and every breath i take. My soul is a kindred spirit that is trying to stay strong , yet the spirit knows that it is a matter of not months , but of days , of hours , and of weeks that time will soon eat up. It knows that one can not come unto the Lord when one has something against them and in this case. my soul , my kindred spirit must make amends with a fellow breathern before coming to rest with the Lord. Bible speaks in volums and speaks of how one must be right between fellow breathern before coming before him.. My soul cant do anything more to do this. It has done all it can and so it is troubled very much..

    i have 4 things against me.. 4 things that trouble me , that cant be changed and from the looks of things will stay this way.. Why? I keep asking myself why? Why is it so wrong for me for my spirit, my mind to be at rest when my time comes? Have i not did what all i could do to ease my mind and put things to rest that have troubled me? Is it fear to do this to me? As long as my mind , my heart , and my soul are troubled i cant walk in that place of love.. have i not did what i was suppose to do?

    Having the cancer is one thing i didnt and do not want, yet it was placed upon me anyhow... Having the troubled mind , and spirit as well as the troubled heart is a little to much.. not knowing is the worst that a person can go through.. not knowing is a torment unlike anything ever felt before.. im sorry.. im sorry that you and your wife were hurt for whatever reason it was and if i could undo it i would have... perhaps if i had never gotten a computer , perhaps never letting my niece use it , perhaps???? I cant say it enough.. i have outdone it all... my strength is now gone...

    My soul and spirit is troubled... My spirit really wants to hold on.. it really wants to fight but i must now lay down my armour and set it all free... i need to know what went wrong. i need to know so i can be at peace but it is up to you now... i cant stop this cancer.. its real.. its not fun and games.. not fake.. its either going to take me or i am going to break down with all this pain and do it myself. This is my hope and plea that you can see me before this sunday. Are you going to help me put my troubled soul and my kindred spirit at ease or do i pass on with a troubled mind..

    its out of my hands now and its up to you... you know where i live.. you both do... do i get my mind put at ease? do you have a true heart of God like my friend Andy says or do i pass on in a few with a troubled mind? its up to you now David and to your wife . My life, my soul , and my spirit is in your hands now....

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2007
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    You are preaching to the choir about having a troubled heart, soul, mind. I'm not in that mindset right now, God forbid I should be ever again, but I know where you're coming from.

    Cancer is a terrible disease. It took my grandfather from me. I watched him waste away... just become bones and skin... it was terrifying but I kept blindly believing that it would go away, even though they had said it spread.

    What would I do? I would keep on fighting; it's not futile. The cancer may kill you, but I would want to go down fighting with all my worth. But that's just me.

    Look to us for strength and also look to God. I can be strong for you, okay? :hug:
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply.. appearently you are the only one who felt compelled to reply. Seems these days i get more and more alone... Doc had me meet with hospice the other day and i think they are going to try and work together to get me the insurance that i need for pain meds and set it up with me being able to be in my own home.. They did give me some pain meds to last a few days but even just controlling my pain on my cancer is not going to control my emotional pain... Got a new date and new plan now but only holding off for a little while..
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