hi all, this is a strange cocktail of emotions,blips of raised mood then despairing thoughts. trying to make a decision for the best. perhaps i'm my own worst enemy. i feel surely the seeds were sown at a very young age that shaped and influenced my mentality. although im 44yo now i havent grasped or understand the skills for living. my mind as i get older keeps drifting back to a time as a child ive been visiting old childhood places for comfort. my wife says im psychologically stuck in child mode not breaking away emmotionally from my family. my gran was cruel to my mum as a child in the 1950s and 60s very controlling and continued to try and suppress me as a child. MY* gran didnt want my mum at birth and SO she gave my mum to HER* mum to raise. my mum was a war babie. she still very resentful to this day not knowing who or what her dad was like. she has vowed to confront her, now as 86yo she is quite frail and always refuse to talk about it with my mum and still treats her like a child and me as well. i think my gran sees me as a possesion to be fought over. so i tend to be stuck in the middle of them. my mind is so entrenched in the past although ive been left home 20 years im still gripped by it. unllike other boys i never did the normal things. i just stayed in this enviroment and was condiitioned an influenced by this. i dont have the self assurance of others around me and as i get older i seem to be getting worse, continually relapsing into an empty hole. as i said in previous posts i feel empty as a person, husband and father why? i only feel good when im planning death and feel decisive, good with a secret now one else knows about. my wife says i dont think you can change! all i know is my jobs in jeopardy. i ve just become distant in our marraige she says we are just like good friends thats all! im not taking control of my life!! i feel relieved when planning suicide knowing peace and quiet will soon be mine! i find it easier to talk on the SF rather than the therapists ive seen. i just paralysed into not taking positive action to find a new relationship and move on. my wife says she needs to find happiness while she can i know shes had enough of my baggage. i dont want to die for my kids but i cant keep going like i am. sorry for the long post ! mart.