Troubling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gentlelady, Apr 13, 2013.

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  1. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I generally don't post anything beyond giving support to members here on the forum, but I recently was confronted by a huge triggering situtation for me. Flashbacks are back in full force. Everything I worked for over the past 10 years to fight this battle is gone. Thoughts of suicide are as strong now as they have ever been. I really do not think I can go through all this again. I simply have no fight left. I feel so dishonest with all of you. I tell you to fight. You can do it. Things can and will get better. I do believe that for you, but not for me. Here I am, back at the beginning. I owe you all an apology, although I will not give up on fighting for you. I do give up on me. Thank you all for listening. No need wasting your words here. Please continue supporting each other. You are so very important in the process of healing. My love and caring to you all, gentlelady.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just as you will continue fighting for others here, we'll continue to do the same for you. There are times where the fight gets to be too overwhelming, and we need others to help hold us up for a while until we can get our bearings. There's nothing wrong with that.
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your setback and new pain, or renewed pain as the case may be. The simple fact is though we all find ways around things for times - sometimes extended periods of time-- they are still there somewhere. The wrong trigger- be it large or small in our minds- will bring it back again. I do however disagree with one small point -- I do not believe you have to go through it all again - not another 10 year struggle to make up the lost ground.
    You have the experience now to know what is happening and why and have built up the strength to help yourself through it - no different than a bodybuilder that used muscles for years - the strength is there in your mind. It is not the day or maybe the week to try it just yet maybe - but you can draw on that to pull yourself back up and when in this state a week seems 10 years but it is not.
    We all struggle to cope and make it workable- I am not sure "cure" is in the picture for most of us - but gaining back a semblance of balance and ability for yourself is - I truly believe that.
    Make it through the weekend and plan on making a plan next week to stop the downward spiral that we all face on occasion.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Gentlelady - I am sorry that you feel that you are once more at the beginning of the struggle. You do not - and will never - struggle alone. You spend so much of your time supporting others and keeping us safe here; please do not forget that we are here to support you too. I agree with Ben that you have spent years developing the strength and strategies needed to come back from this. I believe in you - in your ability to fight your way through. Please keep talking to us - we are here for you as you are here for so many of us. :hug:
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hun, we will stick by you, to give you the strength to get through this difficult battle. Don't be scared of asking for help. It does not make you dishonest to need our help, it makes you human. I really hope things begin to pick up for you, you can do this. Let us help, let us listen :hug:
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We spoke last night, so you know how i feel...we all feel inauthentic at times because of the struggle you stated, so it is not an apology to us that is required, it is to yourself, as someone like you, with all of your value, should be one of the first to be considered worthy of our and your support and caring...with much love, my friend, and great understanding as I have been there, as you know
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank god you are reaching out here hun You have to know you are not in this struggle alone ok you are not
    and yes dam triggers they bring back so much dam pain but hun please know you can get through this you can and you will ok Right now your brain is saying no fffff way i get that but you hold on ok you hold on with everything you have to us here and know you will not have to fight this not on your own this time hugs
     
  8. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Wish I could do more than say you matter to us all very much.
     
  9. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dearest Gentlelady, you are so wonderful to all who seek help here and I pray you can endure this agony until you're able to extend yourself that same gentle, loving care you feel others are more worthy to experience than you. Every reply post I've seen here is spot on first in their gratitude for you and your kindnesses and then in the reality that we all stumble from time to time because of small and big things that trigger our abilities to cope.

    I know you have support here. I imagine you also have support irl because you are too sweet and kind for people to not be drawn to your side. You're battle is not back to day one, it's the point at which this spiral began.

    You know everything I'm about to say and you will believe it for yourself again soon. You're mind is lying to you, as all our minds do, because something painful or lonely or mean has happened and brought ingrained fear, anger, and/or hurt responses to the forefront and THEN the mind raced ahead to unworthy, unloved, hopeless, too tired, too drained to continue. Please do not believe those lies. Recognize the emotion. Recognize the pain. Rest / relax / recupe so that when you are strong enough or you have loving friends/family helping start back on our journey. Back at the point before this spiral hit. I'm thinking of you and praying for balance and peace for you.

    Much love to you Gentlelady ♥

    Much Afraid
     
  10. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    what happened. You support others but are having troubles of your own. I am surprised. Please be strong and vent out your emotions here so others can support you.
     
  11. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your setback can you briefly tell whats happened and whats caused this?
     
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    And here we go again. Sigh. Decision time.
     
  13. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry C, please don't give up, you have such a beautiful soul. My pm's are always open, please use it should you need to :hug:
     
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Here if you need anything, C.
     
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    :hug: it's not that type of decision-time... It just feels like it is because of how we are feeling. Add my name to the list, I'm here and around.
     
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