True connection

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aerial, Dec 10, 2009.

  1. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Have you ever had a true connection with someone? I don't know if that's something I've ever had. I thought I did with ex-boyfriends and maybe a few prospects. When I think back, I remember a particular ex-boyfriend that I dated for awhile. With him I did what so many women are guilty of. I looked at him for who he could be rather than who he was. He wasn't a horrible guy or anything, he just wasn't the right person for me and deep down inside I knew it but didn't want to let go of my fantasy. When our relationship ended, I wasn't prepared to accept that and it took me a long time to get over him. Part of that was because of holding onto that fantasy of him being the one.

    So as you can see, I'm afraid that I'll never know what a really sincere connection is because of my tendency to make guys into a fantasy before I really get to know what they're like.

    I bring up this topic because there's someone I've developed a crush on recently. A friend of a good friend. I don't know him but he runs in her circle. I've seen him over her apartment a few times when I've been there. Last weekend we all went out for drinks and he was there. I've chatted with him several times and I knew right away I was hooked. I don't want to jump the gun like I usually do and make him an obsession like the others but from what I can tell, he totally seems like my type. Intellectual, pretty-boy features, lanky, funny, and unusual. I always like the weird ones and I'm crazy for weird geeks. He could be an asshole for all I know. Who knows? There's a part of me that wants to believe that he could be as cool as he seems.

    I have NEVER asked out or approached a guy. Way too chicken shit to do that. And insecure. But...I want to get to know him more. I just don't know how to bring this into motion. I'm afraid I'll look stupid or that he'll reject me.

    I'm better these days but I really do want a true connection with someone I really connect with. Because my moods have improved lately I don't want to put myself in a situation that will bring me way down. Rejection is very difficult for me. I know there's nothing wrong with wanting to NOT be alone. I am trying to accept that. A true connection with someone is worth seeking out and fighting for if it's worth it. If I sit back and play idle, how do I know I'll lose the chance? I just might. This happened to me recently. At least I'd like to think that there was a chance and I screwed it up. That's in the past now. No point in lamenting over that any longer.

    How do you get over shyness and insecurity when you want to let someone know that you're interested in a connection with them?

    Have you ever taken a risk to let someone know you are interested?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2009
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I've never taken the initiative to ask someone out, and have no plans to do so in the near future cuz I can't handle a relationship right now.

    However if you're really interested in this guy maybe you should just bite the bullet and ask him out? At a gathering you're both at chat him up a bit and ease into it.

    Not great advice, I know, but I doubt you want to go through life wondering what could've been.
     
  3. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    Thanks. No, you're right. It is good advice. That right there is what my life consists of too much, feelings of what I could have done. I'm afraid of rejection but I HATE haunting regret even more. I've let so many opportunities pass me by because of my social anxiety. I don't know what some opportunities could have led to, but it does suck to always wonder about it later down the road. Lame.

    I think what I'll do is tell my best friend and ask her about him. She knows him better. I was too nervous to tell her that I fancied him at first. That'll help give me more nerve to chat him up.
     
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel, in a way. I thought I had a connection with my ex-boyfriend but I'm starting to think we never had one at all. We met online and I assumed so much about him to make up for the lack of him being there in the flesh - such as what he looked like and how he'd treat me - that I fell in love with someone who didn't actually exist. Once we met in real life a couple of times I began to realise that he wasn't the person I wanted him to be, which isn't at all fair on him really. It's not his fault that I built him up in my mind to be something I'm not sure anyone could be for me now.

    As for your situation, I think given your social anxiety that it's a huge step to even have had held conversations with your new crush. I'm not sure of the extent of your social anxiety, but I know that I don't often, if ever, have the guts to even speak to a guy I have a crush on, let alone ask them out. I do however think that the fact you've managed to make some sort of contact and get yourself known by him, is a really good thing.

    Asking someone out is a very hard step to take. The best and easiest way I think would work is to either, as you say, involve your friend by confiding in her and see what she says as she may decide to play matchmaker which would make things considerably easier in terms of letting him know you're interested. Another solution could be to propose a get together with yourself, him and a few other friends. A small group of you could go out and have a meal or see a movie, meanwhile you get to know him better (as it would be you and him who made the initial plans, if he agrees to such a thing) and eventually perhaps nature will run it's course and you'll both progress into a relationship.

    Asking this guy out on a seemingly innocent outing can't hurt, as it's not really asking him out out, and you get to know him a bit better without the nerves and awkward-ness of a proper first date (or even, the fear of rejection). Of course, he may still reject you, but at least he'd be rejecting you on a friendly basis, not a romantic one.

    Good luck, anyway. I really hope this turns out well for you.
     
  5. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this too. That's very much how my mind has worked when meeting someone new. I build them up to fit this airy fantasy of my perfect guy. I guess it's good I'm aware of this because it gives me a chance to rely on logic rather than emotion if I see myself falling into this trap again.

    Can't say the conversations were very deep or involved. They were surface conversations but enough to give me a vibe on him and read him. My friend introduced me casually to him and a couple of other friends and he prompted any conversations we had. I wouldn't have said anything to him if that didn't happen unless you include a smile and nod to be polite in the company of new people. I felt nervous talking to him each time because he's so cute! It was never alone 1 on 1. That's what I'd like. That's what I'm afraid of. With my friend there, she makes it more comfortable to talk out in the open. Uh, and drinks helps too. LOL If I was there by myself, I think I'd be a mumbling idiot. I talk really fast when I'm nervous. It's like I can't access the right words from my brain. What I wind up saying doesn't sound kosher at all. lol

    That's exactly what I'm thinking of doing, getting my friend to play matchmaker. I know I can trust her.

    If I proposed a get-together involving him, it would HAVE to be with my friend otherwise I fear he'll read my mind or something. That's how scared I am. In fact, my friend would have to be the one to propose the get-together after I tell her what I'm feeling. She could set it up since he's her friend.

    Thank you so much for your reply. It's really given me food for thought and I'll def be trying your ideas! I'll update the thread with what happens. :)
     
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    It's a start, at least! It's important to remember not to rush things. A one on one conversation between you both would be great, but that will hopefully come in time. You've met the guy, you've exchanged words and he knows you exist at least. That's step one; the next step is simply seeing more of him and building up some sort of personal bond with him through more conversations. In depth one on one conversations will hopefully come after that, if everything goes well. The fact he prompted the conversation is a good sign too, too many times have I been the only one keeping the conversation going between myself and a guy which just showed me he obviously wasn't interested, even as friends!

    Hehe, this made me laugh. I've been down the "oh-my-god-he-might-read-my-mind!" road. I had a crush on someone while I was in high school for two years running who I had to sit next to in Art, and everytime I was around him when it was just the two of us I felt like my thoughts could be heard by him. This thought alone made my stomach turn! When other people are around, I guess it kind of makes you feel that they can serve as distractions so they can't 'hear' you.

    Well I hope it helped and I look forward to finding out what happens! Best of luck to you!
     
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I have only been with one guy in my life and he was the one who asked me out... so I'm not really sure. If you are too scared to do it yourself and chicken out, you could always ask your friend or whoever to set something up couldnt you?
    I've heard that does work out well sometimes~ and I've personally set up some friends before... even if it's just something casual to get to know eachother better-- if you're giving off the right vibes, he may get the hint and ask you out.


    I wonder if maybe I have the same problem as you do?
    This recent breakup is killing me and although I know he's not perfect- I am still convinced that I love everything about him...
    I really just want to forget about him... but that's another topic alltogether, I suppose. ><

    Best of luck!
     
  8. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    We're currently talking. We've gone out on two *dates", thus far. I think that means he'd like to get to know me better. I'm stoked but, like I mentioned in another thread, I'm trying to stay level-headed.

    It's still so weird to me that I've managed to start dating and just a month ago, I was fixated on someone else. I still don't know if that was love, but at the time it felt like it and I thought I was going to die when I learned he began dating someone else. But glad that's over now, since there was never a chance to develop anything beyond what there was.

    If things don't work out with this new guy, I'm going to try to take it in stride. I just don't want to get myself worked up too soon.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2009