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Truly can't take anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Why me, Dec 4, 2015.

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  1. Why me

    Why me Member

    Hello, I have been suffering from Major Depression since I was 28 years old. I am now in my mid-fifties. I have been in and our of mental institutions and have tried suicide many times. i have been on every medication known to man to try and help me with this mental illness, inc which I would never wish on my worst enemy. When asked what it's like to have depression, my only answer is, is that your own mind turns against you. Telling you, that you are aren't worthy, that no one loves and so on so on. I do not have a supportive family. It's just me, my mother, my brother and my bitch-in-law. None of them have any empathy, sympathy or understanding as to what I go through. They don't want to understand it either. I have printed out info for my mom to read, but it goes on top of her hutch never to be read.

    My Mom is not the loving, nurturing type. I have never received a hug telling me that things will be ok. I was not hugged, nor told I was loved growing up. When I did something that my mother did not like, she would withhold her love by not talking to me for days. My brother is just like her, and we have no relationship at all. If my Mom and I get into it about something, she refuses to call me. It's always been me who had to reach out to her first. She was asked to leave a mental hospital support meeting one time because of her hardness. She refuses to go into counceling with me, because she says she does not want to sit there and be blamed. When my Dad passed away back in 1990, I felt my world ended. My Mom has always shown a difference between my brother and I, and it is still so apparent that it continues. I have tried with both of them to get them to understand. My bitch-in-law's sister even had serious mental issues, in which she talked bad about her. My Mother constantly critizes me, and belittles me to me personally, and to my friends. She talks to me as though I am still a child and will raise her voice to me. Remember, I'm in mid-fifties. I have given up on having any type of relationship with my family. I don't have many friends left, because I barely leave my house. I'm on disability and suffer from anxiety attacks. I just don't want to go on existing, I want to live again. But, I see no way out of it other than suicide. Each time I've tried, I've told no one...never talked about it. But, for one reason or another, my friends will call the police when they can't get in touch with me. I'm so sick of being on this earth feeling unloved and uncared for. I sit at my window looking out at the big tree and wondering if I could get a rope around the highest limb. I don't want to suffer, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Maybe then, I will get my family's attention.
  2. laf

    laf Member

    This sounds so tough and such a long road you have traveled. I am inspired by your will and ability to get through every day for so long! I am maybe not in the best place to give advice, but I say, let go or be dragged. When you are feeling down about yourself that is hard enough without other people doing the same to you. If you have always had to reach out to your mother, then maybe she knows that if she holds out you will always come back first. It can be so challenging but you need to put yourself first. Once you do that, you can gain more control and build more supportive relationships round you of people who care and want to offer you hugs when you are upset rather than those using you to give them a sense of control.
    L x
    2 people like this.
  3. Why me

    Why me Member

    Laf, thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to respond to my post. I've decided that today is the day. The last overdose I did was in August, and my friend called the police because she could not get in touch with me for a day and half. Today, I plan to call her and another friend of mine, and tell them that I am going to visit a friend in another state. I will then hide my car in my backyard, so that it will show I'm not at home. I just can't take it anymore...the rejection from my Mom and brother...the anxiety, the doctor refusing to give me a 90-day supply of my meds because of the last overdose. I do have enough medications to do finally make it happen. I just dont see any way out of this misery. I am a burden to all those who know me. My family doesn't care and I'm so tired of trying to get my Mom's acceptance. I have already written out letters to my family and to my friends. I let them all know that I love them, but I'm ready for some peace. I'm sure it will hurt my Mom, but I have to think about all the pain that she hase given me. All she's concerned about is my brother. She defends everyone who hurts me. I feel so unloved by her and everyone else. No one cares. Your mother is supposed to be the one person who you should be able to share your feelings with, but my Mom gets very defensive and tells me that she does not want to hear it. I'm ready to go and finally have some peace and tranquility in my life. I am not one who believes that you go to hell for taking your own life. Only God knows why he puts those of us who suffer from depression on this earth. It says that he will not put on us, what we cannot handle. So, I have passed that point and feel that even God has turned his back on me. I've always been a good person and have been kind to others. I worry about what will happen to my three babies which are my cats. If it were up to my Mom, she would have them all put to sleep. I love them so much, but even they won't hardly come to me anymore. I will leave them enough water and food to sustain them. Maybe, someone will find me before they go hungry. I say goodbye to this world, and I just wish things could have been better. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I don't know what I did. God bless you all.
  4. James Wood

    James Wood Member

    please don't go :(
    Its clear that your friends care about you, and they're trying to make sure your ok when they call the police. In the moment im typing this, I wish for nothing more on this earth than to come up with a magic post that will make everything ok, I'm only 21 and iv only gotten really bad over the past 3 years. I don't think I could ever live as long as you have feeling the way I do. It shows that you are strong. I hope you see this and its helps you. I know its not the magical post that will fix everything, buts its the best I can do. I just want you to have a happy ending. Because you deserve it.
    2 people like this.
  5. Gabrielle

    Gabrielle New Member

    Dear "Why me"
    I hope that you are still with us. I´m am too a woman in my fifties - quite surprised I´m still alive, actually. I feel sooo familiar with the situation you describe... no support, no close family, no one who would really listen or care and not enough meds to keep the anxiety at bay. Life´s a bitch but somehow we both made it this far...?The love of my life was a cat - she died almost ten years ago and since then, I´ve been emotionally numb. The reason for living isn´t there anylonger but for some strange reason, I´m still here. Maybe, maybe there is a subconscius beam of hope? Maybe there is a reason why we didn´t follow through killing ourselves? Maybe your three babies can give you some strenght to carry on just a little while longer? Maybe, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel...? There must be SOME purpose we are still here.... I´m trying to follow the "three day rule", difficult on those really black days of which today is one of many - but what if something suddenly changes for the better? What if?? Maybe the "what if" is what´s preventing me - and you - from actually leave this life right now? I send you love and warmth, Gabrielle from Sweden
  6. laf

    laf Member

    I am not sure if you are still with us or not, but I am thinking about why you came on here to tell us your story. There must be a small aspect of something that you are looking for, I am not sure what that is but maybe I could help you find what you are looking for. I am also wondering about attachment issues stemming from your family (which is not your fault in the slightest, but others not being mindful) and although hard, try to not push your friends away as from what I am reading they do care.
    I have a different issue from many on here, which I hope in time will get better or I will eventually have to face my issues. We all have our own demons and how we can overcome them can be challenging. In terms of what is making you unhappy, perhaps if you are never getting love from you mother, then that is ok because that is who she is. She may have her own reasons for doing this which are unknown to us but may also be facing challenges. But you will need to let go, or be dragged.
  7. Why me

    Why me Member

    Hi, thank you so much for you caring enough to respond to my post. I don't know why I still hang on to life, but I have decided that I need a professional who specializes in mental health other than my internest. Since I'm on disability, I have made an appointment with the mental health department. There, they wil work with you on your fees. I cannot afford the $45.00 co-pay since I have other health issues and have to see specialists, which is the same co-pay. I'm struggling, and struggling hard to find a reason to be here. I just hope I can make it until Jan. 20th, in which I will see the doctor.
  8. Why me

    Why me Member

    Hi James, I hate that you are having to go through depression at such an early age. Looking back, I think I also suffered in my teens. I hope and pray, that you can get your depression treated, because it's not an easy way to live. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. God Bless you.
  9. Why me

    Why me Member

    Hi sweetie, than you for your response. Right now, my three babies are what is keeping me going. I know without a fact, that they would be put in the pound. I can't imagine them having to go through that , or being put to death. I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved cat. i know what that is like. I don't understand the reason why I'm still here either. As I stated in my orginial post, I never tell anyone when I've attempted. But, my friends have always come the rescue when they could not get in touch. I don't if it's meant for me to be on this earth to suffer, or if there is a reason for me to still be here. I know, that I am a very nice, compassionate, understanding and kind person. So, maybe I'm here to help other people. Who knows. I just want this long depression to go away. I used to be a social butterfly and would not leave my house unless I looked good. Now, I could care less and never wear makeup anymore. I want to be the person that I used to be. I send you love and warmth as well sweetie.
  10. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    If nothing else, you're holding on for the sake of your pets. Its a start. I'm here to say, the only reason I'm still here is because of the dog in my avatar picture.
    I somehow know that without her, I would have ended it. Seems silly right? I'm not really religious, but I wonder if they're angels. They keep us from harm.

    Good luck. We're all here, struggling with you. Keep breathing.
  11. laf

    laf Member

    We are with you! X
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