Truly giving up on life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Suff310, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. Suff310

    Suff310 Member

    I've never been so depressed in my life. I've been unemployed now for almost 4 months; my best friend doesn't care about me anymore nor talks to me after confessing to her that I was in love with her. It hurts so bad that she doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't reply to any of my texts. I felt like she was the only person in this world that could keep me content (although it wasn't her job to begin with) but we were really close and had a really good thing going. She lives in another state and has had a boyfriend for as long as I've known her. It was my fault that I fell for her but I am a human being after all and can't control with how I feel. I loved caring about this girl and it made me so happy despite the fact that I would never share that love with her.

    But to be fair though, there are so many other things in my life right now that made me give up on life apart from that. For instance, I live in a living room with 4 other siblings and never have privacy to myself and since I'm unemployed at the moment, that's not going to help out any time soon. I live with a super strict father, my grandma and two bothers. My mother, grandma, myself and my middle brother help with rent since my father always complains about money and always talks about moving out. It has got to the point where he is now only paying 400 for rent (that's 1500), and he still wants it to be his house and gives us all a hard time.

    I'm overweight and I have a super low self esteem. I haven't had a girlfriend in almost 10 years and I just turned 27 last month. I am so unhappy with my life that I have thought about committing suicide. I'm so desperate that I'm posting these personal issues on the internet just to let it out because I have no one else to express it to at the moment. I do have a best friend that I've known since being a teenager, but he has his own family to worry about now so I can't talk to him all the time.

    I know that feeling so sorry for myself isn't going to help at all, but when you truly start to give up on yourself, it feels like every hope that you had for yourself isn't possible anymore. Depression is no joke and I honestly can't handle it anymore.

    Earlier today I got into a physical fight with my brother because I tried to teach him a lesson on how to see how he should act towards others. He has been babied his whole life and is now a grown adult by age but since he's the youngest one out of us (three brothers), my grandma and mother love to treat him like a child. He was never taught how to act towards older people and hates it when someone tries to tell him wrong. He is very lazy and has no morals in life. Anyhow, he took something from the kitchen and never put it back after using it, so I went into his room and asked if he had it. After he gave it back to me, I told him that he needs to always put it back and it's not that big of a deal, that he always does it with the hot sauce bottles as well and he threw a tantrum saying not to accuse him of doing that when I see him doing it all the time. The fact that he always lies to me as well and gives me the worst attitudes I've ever seen is what really worries me about him because if he doesn't know how to cope with being wrong, then he can end up getting killed by talking to the wrong person. Anyhow, he started arguing and then got into physical contact. Afterwards he called my mother telling her what happened.

    She told me that she wants him to move in with my grandma into a studio apartment and for me and my other brother to find our own places to live. Like I said earlier, I'm currently unemployed so that's another thing that I have to worry about now. It's not so much that I'm worried about what's going to happen, but more that I'm getting tired of problems piling up. I've had unemployment insurance for the past month and use it to pay off my bills and towards the rent. I don't really get a lot of spending money because I don't get much, but at least it is helping with the bills. EDD has also been trying to help me find a job and I've been applying. I actually hate being home and not doing anything with my life I'm a very hard worker and love to work. The issue is that I never graduated from high school so I'm always stuck with dead end jobs so I'm trying to find something better than minimum wage labor with no benefits and nothing to look forward to in the future.

    I ask myself everyday if it will be worth it; to end my suffering from this world. I don't see any sort of hope for me to have happiness and reach my goals in life. I truly ask myself if I should just give up and not have to worry about this shitty life anymore.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Suff, my names Brian and welcome to SF. Yes I suffer from depression too and it can really take you to a dark place.
    It sounds like there's a lot of areas in your life that would make anyone feel unsettled, unemployed, sleeping arrangements and father wanting you to get your own place. On the positive side, you are still young and have the time to make a difference in how you plan your life. As for leaving school, I did that too, but in my 30's I went back and upstaged my education and then took a course that got me a good career. It wasn't easy and took 4yrs while working 2 jobs part time, but in the end it was worth it. So even if you have to take a job with no future, you can still work toward a career. Check out and see if you qualify for any grants or loans, but don't give up, cause you can do it. Anyway, I'm glad you decided to come here and voice your problems, we basically try and support and encourage each other through difficult times. Remember, these situations don't last forever, good luck and take care.
  3. Suff310

    Suff310 Member

    Thanks man. It feels good to actually get a response. I even changed my avatar since the welcome message recommended me to. I actually posted this on Reddit yesterday (apart from the story that happened earlier with my brother) and got no responses, so I figured that googling an actual forum dedicated to these issues would be better.

    The thing is that I won't have the time and money to go back to school because these jobs take so much time and effort. By the time I finished my 9 hour shift I would be too tired to do anything. I'm also very anti social so it takes me a while to get comfortable around large groups. I appreciate the response though.
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi :)

    I also had a tough time and moved out of the house at 17. I had to work crap jobs for a while too. I lived in a really dingy basement apartment and worked the night shift at a donut shop. It wasn't the best time of my life! But I learned to live within my means and I was able to get a student loan, I went to school during the day, slept in the evenings and worked midnight to 6am, 6 nights a week. It was hard, but if you can find the will inside, it's worth every puffy eyed morning. I hope that you can find that motivation. I'm sorry about your situation right now. I'm the positive type so I can always try to make the best of my situation, I know it's hard to get there but I wish you the best.

    When I was in my early 20's I was in love with a male friend. After many years, I told him I loved him and I never saw him again. I think that when we try to put romance into a friendship, it kills it unfortunately. I'm sorry your friendship ended because of that, I know how much it hurts. Hugs. xx
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. Suff310

    Suff310 Member

    See, both of you (Brian and Frances) are amazing for working hard and earning your way. You both did it at such an early age too. I just turned 27, and should have done that a long time ago so it already tells you a lot about me. It's not that I'm lazy, but I'm not very determined and the motivation is never there. And I'm actually the kind of person that cares more about others than myself. I always do more for others.

    Whenever I tried to better myself like get a hair cut or shave and buy new clothes in hopes to meet someone, it faded away so easily because no one would ever look at me and I am afraid of rejection. I tried to ask a co worker out to lunch a few months ago when I was working and she said no, so that really hurt my self esteem.
    Brian777 likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Suff, I was a terrible people pleaser my entire life and it led me to a very terrible burnout in 2003. I always put everyone ahead of me. After suffering many mental health illnesses and suicide ideation for many years, I only started to put myself first a few years ago, and I'm 48 now. It's never too late, but instead of trying to make huge momentous changes in your life, try taking baby steps first. Decide on one goal and work towards it. It's hard not to care what others think, again, that took me 45 years to learn, and it's freedom. I hope that you can find a way to take a small step ahead. Keep posting here, it's such a comforting place. xx
  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Suff, I'm the same with people pleasing and helping as you and Frances. I've always put others first and it's a hard habit to break, I'm sure there's a psychological reason for it, but it's been my nature for so long that I don't fight it any more. If I see someone stranded on the road, I can drive by them, I tried once and then had to turn around and go back :) it's not like it's a bad thing, but you do get taken advantage of. I'm always reminded of Ghandi s quote "be the change that you want to see" I think people like us want to see a kinder and better world and you can only show that by example. I find too, that people come into your life at just the right times and totally unexpected. Just be yourself and others that are supposed to, will gravitate towards you. Not trying to get metaphysical on you, but that's been my experience. Take care my friend
    Frances M likes this.
  8. Suff310

    Suff310 Member

    Okay so... You know how I mentioned earlier that I got into a fight with my brother? Well my father confronted me about it earlier picking at it when he had no knowledge of knowing what happened. I told him not to worry about it and that it's settled now.

    I live in the living room and everyone else has their rooms by the way, so it's hard not to avoid anyone.

    Anyhow, he then told my grandmother that he is going to return the house so to try to find an apartment or something (which is always what he says when he's angry), and I told him that if he's so unhappy why doesn't he seriously not leave already and that no one in this household can stand him anymore... So it got really verbal and I told him that no one likes him and he proceeded on saying "don't talk to me like that", and I said "I can speak to you however I wish to speak to you". At this point he got up and got to my face and grabbed my shirt and pushed me twice. I called him a coward and he hit me in the temple twice. At this point I was shocked that he hit me and he said "hit me" "hit me" and hit me three additional times in my face and lip that it busted it open and I started bleeding. My shirt was soaked in blood and I told him that I didn't want to hit him so I can press charges on the cops. That was the very reason why I chose not to hit him.

    I called the cops and they came. I told them my story and they heard his. The fucked up part was that my grandma was there and saw the whole thing! She lied for my father and said that I hit me too. So I couldn't press charges and feel so betrayed that my grandma chose his side over mine. I was the victim and the police knew it but they still couldn't do anything. They also made me leave the house despite being the real victim.

    I don't know what's going to happen now but I feel so betrayed by both my father and grandmother. What kind of father tries to hurt his son so bad to the point that you'd want to harm him so badly?

    I'm not sure why my grandma lied for him but maybe she didn't want him going to jail since she's scared him leaving.

    So yeah... That's what happened and I'm in total shock.
  9. Suff310

    Suff310 Member

    That I hit him too*

    Sorry, I don't know how to edit posts...
  10. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    That's shocking since you said your shirt was covered with blood. The police seem ignorant in your neck of the woods. I think that you need to just take care of you from now on, do what you need to do to get out of that situation and move on as quickly as you can.
    Brian777 likes this.
  11. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Suff, I'm so sorry this happened to you, I'd suggest you get away from him asap. I don't know what's going on with him, but that's not rational behaviour. I don't understand the police not doing anything, you were assaulted with visible injuries. I hope you're okay my friend.
  12. It's Going To Be Ok

    It's Going To Be Ok Active Member

    I agree with the others, I think the best possible choice would be to move away from him, find a life that doesn't include him in it.