1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Truly, I can see no options left but suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Nov 20, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    For over twenty years I've been suffering from a sickness, an illness of the mind. With every sickness there are individuals who, despite all efforts, just become overwhelmed, succumb to its effects and are lost. Mine is a rat’s nest of borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, acute anxiety disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and major depressive disorder. This is a sickness that can no longer be staved off – and it is about to outrun me.

    Since at least age thirteen (I'm 34 now), I’ve been watching and exploring, trying to find my place, my worth. It has been my incessant quest.

    I've sought it with the help of God, family, teachers, psychotherapists and doctors, and with the occasional step into the larger world. But two issues: first is that the things that have come together in my life had become more vast and unwieldy than anyone could do anything about, at least not without getting swallowed up themselves; second and most prominent is that, when it comes down to it, no other person ever has the power to provide an individual with his worth because it is a personal, unique thing.

    In my exploration, one thing seemed blatantly clear: this is a social world. In other words, it is our relationships that are at the heart of our existence.

    For over twenty years, things have been gathering to show me I will never have a capacity to have any healthy relationships. But more significantly, it is my experience that I am draining a vitality out of way too many of those around me; I am a parasite, defiling those who come too near me. I seem to do this without even trying.

    And, for as many years as I can remember, I noticed the behavior needed of me is to remain quiet and recognize my place as a peon, a subordinate. Whenever I feel a deep hurt and I speak up, I am steadily dismissed and/or shown that I am actually causing hurt to another, and then disciplined. No matter what I say, I have never been heard.

    Each day I rise, I feel a persistent and undiminished agony of being alone, for I carry an awareness of being an alien in this world, a foreigner speaking a language that no one can understand.

    There were a few who had the opinion that I should not view myself in these ways and they walked with me, for a little while, in attempts to help me find out whether such opinions were true or not. When events got too personal, however, when my parasitic nature had depleted too much from them, they understandably had to step back out.

    With an awareness that this is a world about relationships and that I am a defiler and that I will never have a capacity for healthy relationships, I find my worth to be barren. Ultimately, it is more practical for all that I be quiet - the ultimate quiet.

    Also, I lack an ability to trust and I lack courage. The lack of these traits is probably one of the bigger obstacles to integrating my illness into my life; having consistent, healthy relationships; and finding my worth. I simply do not feel safe in this world at all; I am afraid all the time.

    Lastly, I am tired. Have you ever been involved in an activity where you thought to yourself, “I just can’t wait for this thing to be over already!” That is how I feel about my life. After trying to find my worth for over twenty years and not only coming up empty-handed, but finding that I consistently depleted from and defiled the lives of others, I am tired. I am just so tired.

    The psychotherapists don't believe me anymore and I don't trust any psychotherapists and doctors anymore. I've told people outright I want to die and that I have plans and I have been practicing, researching, making sure as best as possible that everything will work out. But no one believes me.

    Everything....EVERYTHING....is coming together to tell me it is time to go, that it is my only option.

    I don't "want" to die, but all evidence shows me that it is the only practical and, dare I say, loving decision I can make is to end my life (given what I've described about my lack of worth and 20 years of evidence that I deplete from and defile the lives of others).

    People might "love me" – but I’ve lost my capacity to accept it or to love back, without my sickness tainting it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2007
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    :hug: dont give up. there must be a way, just have to have the patience and willingness to find or to be found..... i know till then it is hard, know that you aren't alone here with such problems and issues.

    i can feel your struggling, your pain at facing and living this day after day for so long and feel for you.

    i invite you to come down to the depression bp ocd etc forum and you will meet great people whith similar issues ready to offer you their support.

    sending you my best positive thoughts and feelings. my prayers are with you.

    be well and most of all stay safe

    granny x
  3. alwaysincrisis

    alwaysincrisis Well-Known Member

    I'm crying here reading your life as it mirrors mine so very much. Since I was 13 I have viewed death as my best friend, the one whom I could talk to and trust when no one else understood. I have bipolar disorder and have been in and out of Psyc wards frequently, at the moment I am in a suicidal depressive state.

    Please don't do anything tonight, I am a new member too and I am prepared to give this forum a chance to help me. Please do the same:hug:
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    no...i'm not going to do anything tonight or in the next several weeks. i've read that anyone can "attempt" suicide, but to be "successful" is more difficult...so i won't do anything until i've practiced enough.

    i do have a small "logical" belief that perhaps i'm not as "worthless" as i believe, but my illness and my past come together to make it almost impossible. it is going to take much more than words to change 20 years of worthlessness....i need some large concrete evidence that i have worth.

    when i say i believe I'm worthless...it isn't a "cliche" or just a phrase...it is a literal belief. it is very hard to carry that around, without believing my only option is death.

    and it doesn't look like the large concrete evidence of my worth is going to happen. i've been in hospitals too and i HATE them. I loathe them. they only go to reinforce my self-believes, because i'm so "bad" that i have to be hauled away like a criminal.

    i guess it is probably a given i don't "WANT" do die, given i am posting here.
    i wish that somehow the people who hurt (especially the psychotherapist) would admit i am hurting. when all my hurt is just dismissed or ignored, it just goes to support that i'm worthless.

    thanks for your responses.
  5. masashin

    masashin Guest

    I guess you are the END..i'm at the beginning of the end (i think). I also suffer from personal disorders (avpd, anxiety,...) and never had a (healthy?) relationship before.

    I always had hope for the future but when i'm surfing the avpd boards, social phobia world and boards like these, i doubt it. I know this is a pro-life board, but if choosing between an evitable terrible future (i know this is coming) or to kill yourself and end it all....my choice is clear.

    But atm i am sticking around envisioning myself being 30-ish,alone in my appartement working week after week to live a "minimum" life.

    So i understand your decision, i know the pain and well i wish you goodluck in whatever you do. Take Care.
  6. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    the hardest part of deciding whether to live or die is the "taboo" about it and i do have a mother and father and siblings...and i've read about and viewed documentaries about how it is for the "survivors" afterward. i've taken that all into account and still.......the sheer agony of each day knowing i'm worthless and alone and will never have a healthy relationship "to save my life" (as the saying goes).....i'm so completely sure of my only option. that's not to say i'm not afraid...God knows I am. but there are a lot of things the "average person" does even though they are afraid, they do it because it is the right thing to do. and all evidence has shown me the right thing to do is to quiet myself. i wish it wasn't that way. i wish i could live.

    masashin, you talked about the "minimum" life. i've considered doing that. hard to do with all the agony of everything i've seen and felt. i've seen and felt too much hurt and not enough good.

    i think the thing that i fear most about the act of suicide is the uncertainty of the method, like will it just make me worse off and not actually do the job.

    overall, when i think about this life, all i think is: "I just can’t wait for this thing to be over already!"

    there's a song by the artist "Basia", called Yearning, and this is what i think of when i think of my death; death calls to me in this song and when I'm dead I'll be yearning no more....

    a song by Basia

    “tender feelings heal with flowers
    when your woes and sorrows leave you overwhelmed:
    for the state of endless sadness,
    or uncompleted mourning,
    take Star of Bethlehem;
    there's Willow, if bitter;
    when helpless – Wild Rose;
    some Sunshine Wattle revives all lost hopes”
    …but, for a simple case of longing –
    what are we to do when homeless in our hearts and souls?

    some of us take daring chances, following our lovers –
    the passion we can trust.
    others just cannot sit still –
    they're driven by the power of mighty wanderlust.
    wherever we go, God, we're trying so hard
    to make every place feel like home left behind.
    but despite of all endeavours, nothing changed as ever –
    we're homeless in our hearts.

    but i'm yearning no more
    'cause i found my home in you;
    and now it's where i belong.
    i gave up the world to be with you.

    come to me, i'll soothe your yearning…

    is this what you've always dreamed of?
    the aim of our desire is hard to recognize:
    it often stares you in the face and yet,
    against all reason,
    takes the longest time to find.
    you circle the globe, go native, go far...
    but it's not a country or a town, not a house...
    what's the use of distant travel if only to
    discover you're homeless in your heart?

    but i'm yearning no more
    'cause i found my home in you;
    and now it's where i belong.
    i gave up the world to be with you

    oh, i'm yearning no more!
    i found my home in you.

    so come to me, i’ll soothe your yearning…
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You have worth. You have come to SF. And the people here will help you find your worth. You will always be worth something to us. As for a relationship. Is it a physically one you seek. Or could you maybe start with an emotional one and work your way up. Keep posting and people here will connect with you on at least an emotional level. They only want to help and have your best interests at heart. As for the suicide thing. PM me I'm fresh off my latest attempt and you are not ready for that step. You have too many options still left to you.
  8. Anonymous2

    Anonymous2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, you’re an excellent writer. Very smart. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you much advice because my own suffering is quite similar to yours and I haven’t yet found a way to convince myself to not eventually end my life.

    Like you, I also have severe social issues. I have avoidant personality disorder; as a result, I’ve been alone (without romantic relationships) my entire life. No girlfriend, no dates, not even a romantic hug. People often give genuine, but futile advice and/or words of encouragement such as, “You’ll find someone, you just have to be patient”….but what people don’t seem to understand that it’s not about lack of available women or lack of opportunity…it’s mostly due to my own social ineptitude. People who don’t suffer from avoidant personality disorder don’t understand how hard it is to just be “normal”, confident, trustworthy, and outgoing.

    In addition to avoidant personality disorder, I also suffer from undiagnosable chronic neck pain. Undiagnosable pain is, in many ways, worse than diagnosable chronic pain because people often don’t believe my pain is real. They think my physical pain is exaggerated or faked. Instead of empathy most feel spite or shame toward me. I’ve had avoidant personality disorder since I was about 13, but I didn’t start suffering from chronic neck pain until age 22. I’m 25 right now. Since I started suffering from chronic pain, I’ve retreated even further into a world of social seclusion. Outside of work, I only talk to my parents. I don’t see much point in talking to people who can’t understand what I’m going through. I think it is better to reject others before they have a chance to reject me. I reject others by making certain they don’t get to know me too well or have an opportunity to talk to me in a social (non-work/school) environment.

    I think you’re right: “this is a social world. In other words, it is our relationships that are at the heart of our existence.” I do think there are some people who can be happy going through this world alone, but those are a blessed few. Since my loneliness and inability to be happy alone are a result of my own misdoings, I believe the best long-term solution to my pain is suicide. The root of my problems is me, so I must destroy myself.

    As of right now, I’m not very suicidal. I’m still managing to indulge myself in false hope. I falsely believe that things might someday change for me. I’m agnostic in regards to a belief in God; as a result, death is not something I look forward to. If there is a God, I might burn in hell; If their isn’t a God, I would simply be nothing. Neither of these outcomes is something I look forward to. Despite my sadness, I still know there is much beauty in this world. What depresses my spirit is knowing that I will not have an opportunity to experience it. I hold on and stay alive because deep down there is still just a little bit of hope left in me; Unjustified, irrational hope, but hope nonetheless.

    As for advice on dealing with your situation, I can only tell you what I do. Whether or not what I do to cope will help you with your own situation is unknowable. There are four main things I do to cheer myself up and keep from being extremely lonely.

    1. Talk to and spend time with my parents
    2. Vividly Daydream about having a lovely girlfriend
    3. Exercise
    4. Escape reality by reading or watching movies

    :smile:Good luck and have a nice day!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2007
  9. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    as I was reading your post, I noticed there's a gentle poetic spirit about you.
    Your writing is very intelligent and thoughtful, yet sensitive and emotional too.

    That song "yearning", it has beautiful lyrics but it's nothing more than romanticizing suicide. Just an idea we'd like to to hold onto.

    It looks like you have some very valid reasons to feel hurt. I cannot find any flaws in your reasoning.. which worries me.

    However, I disagree about you being worthless. Perhaps you like drowning in self-pity as much as I do. It's about finding the right 'place.' We just have to do a lot of soul searching deep inside our hearts.

    Everyone has a different level of success but we're all worth "something."

    I assure you.. you're worth a lot more than many people out there, it's just really hard to have any form or shape of self-respect when you've been depressed for a long time.

    At the risk of sounding judgmental, I think you think too much like me.
    Reading your elegant writing, you come across as a sophisticated thinker.. somewhat like me.. 22 years of living that way did not help me one bit.

    I wish I could talk like one of those prep girls.. chirping like a tiny colorful bird.. chit-chating endlessly about everything..
    I don't have any known disorders but I I have something very close to what your described as avoidant personality disorder. I can relate to your loneliness.

    You need to have some coping mechanisms like the other poster said, something to go to as a last resort other than suicide.
    If you haven't been truly happy.. yet, I don't think you should attempt suicide.

    You seem to have many legit disorders that could be big obstacles in your life.
    But happiness has to be found somewhere in your life... somehow, someway.

    We tend to forget that we all are born with the right to be happy.
    It's very frustrating things aren't going our ways but we just have to dig holes deeper and find some way out.
  10. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    the hardest part about coming to this online forum is i get here exactly what i get from the external world - just words. As Anonymous2 said: "People often give genuine, but futile advice and/or words of encouragement..."

    for saeyoon Chung - yes, i know the song romanticizes it, but i use it to help me get over the 'natural' fear, to soothe me to do what i believe i need to do. as said, there are a lot of things that people fear doing and still do, because it is the right/correct thing to do. i fear dying, but that doesn't mean it isn't the correct thing to do. (by the way, the song isn't really supposed to be about suicide, i'm sure Basia had zero intent of that in her lyrics). and yes, the part about not being able to find flaws in my reasoning....i agree it is "worriesome"

    for itmahanh: i wish for a healthy real life emotional relationship, where i can be me, with my sicknesses and all, and not be judged for it or abandoned because of it.

    i almost had a relationship with my past therapist like that, but in the end she left me/abandoned me after 3 years of work without any explanation last May 2007, just a certified form letter saying she is ending the relationship. she was like a "mother" to me and for a "mother figure" to abandon you, without explanation, despite asking for it, i was left to ONCE AGAIN just look to my defiling, parasitic nature that she had to get away from, again hating myself. I tried to get her to see I was feeling this and i ended up in the hospital twice, but she didn't want me to contact her with my problems at all. I even just asked for a simple letter or some small note telling me it wasn't my fault....but she couldn't even do that. instead she so much didn't want me to contact her that she has a "no contact order" filed against me.

    so when i say, i'm a parasite and i obviously do everything wrong, it just isn't appropriate for me to be here alive anymore.

    and because of my experience with therapists over the years, with the most recent therapist being BOTH the BEST and the WORST, i cannot have that "whiplash" again. being so HOPEFUL that some therapist finally got me, to have her swing completely the other direction and hurt me more than any other professional before....and for her to not even acknowledging i'm hurting. well.........i cannot ask for help from professional or even "lay" people again. i filed a complaint against her, and after a 3 month investigation, the state deemed she did nothing wrong. so to me it is "officially" okay that people hurt me. my pain is state-sponsered and approved.

    all my life, all the hurts i've been subjected to, the people who have hurt me have never admitted my pain was real....in all 34 years of my life...no one. i had hoped the professional therapist who caused my pain who at least acknowledge my pain...she was a professional after all. but she didn't.

    i wish an onslaught of letters would go to her from people around me (not from myself though since i'm not supposed to contact her) asking her to just send me a small note telling me she is sorry that i'm in pain, that she never wanted to hurt me, and to not kill myself. when i was able to talk to her, i asked her exactly that....but she did NOTHING. so it made me feel she couldn't do it because she is NOT sorry i'm hurting and she DOES want me to kill myself. that may be "false" thinking, but my illnesses/mental sickness as described above don't allow me to believe otherwise. emotions are much stronger than the logical.

    that is an example of how it has been through all my life. every relationship has been like that. and she knew it.

    i need something "concrete" and tangible to find my worth, not just words... so i know i won't find my worth here, despite the good intentions of all around.

    so i'm in a very bad position. i'm in the most danger i've ever been in my life, because now no one in the world is safe enough to talk to, no one is trusted to reveal and open myself up to, especially the so-called "professionals". so no one in the external (non-online world) will know what a dangerous state i'm in. i'm in a 'science' field and i'm very methodical about details, so i'm pretty sure i will accomplish my death, baring some miracle from the world.

    sometimes the correct decision is death.

    that is why death is pretty much a given.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2007
  11. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    i keep coming back to your post and reading it over again (i hope you didn't mind me PM'ing you). i find so much of myself in your writing, my litany of disorders could fill a text book and my medical file would be just the appendix. i have had problems with therapist in the past, i have been fire and fired therapist and psychiatrists almost equally. there was a time in my 20's when i thought i was doing pretty well, the therapist i was seeing wasn't doing much but i felt we were progressing, only to show up one day to be told he didn't want to handle my case anymore and though i would be better off with another therapist in his practice. that was the fist time i was fired by a therapist and it hit me like a freight train, talk about trust issues being torn apart, to make things worse the therapist i was transfered to took a totally different approach to my treatment, took it upon herself to dig into my past and bring out the most painful things and try to force a reconciliation, all in a hour's session. i am sorry it can't be done at an hour at a time, i would leave after each session torn apart, and after each session i felt worse. i know i had a few diagnoses before then but many had been settled so to speak, i had put them behind me and moved on, but after those sessions each one came back, first it was addictive tendencies, then the self image, more self destructive behavior until i had fully relapsed into all the practices that i had overcome. i stopped seeing her, this therapist, while i was seeing her her work destroyed a very good relationship, i had never felt so dependent in my life and it ruined what i had with a very special girl. i don't blame the girl for leaving, the mood swings i exhibited, the neediness and the complete total loss of trust in anyone, i had once again become a case book example of "I hate you, don't leave me". from their things just got worse. i spiraled out of control for a good five years, medicated with anything, and if i wasn't high i was jacked up on steroids, fling after fling, fights (i worked as a bouncer, a fitting job for someone who has no control over their emotions) until finally i ended up in treatment...

    things did change for a while and i almost came to believe stories of getting better, but then life happened. to quote Winston Churchill Life is what happens as you try to make plans... i am still a wreck, the meds don't work, i am more borderline than i was before, panic is a daily visitor, i almost never go out in public and never goto crowded places (hell i have been having to take a Xanax or two just to get to the gym these days). to quote someone from some time, i don't know who... i don't see this ending well...

  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ipse Dixit. I know what I say is only words. But sweetie my words are heartfelt and that is something that you won't get from the extenal rat race we call a world. I offer them and hope that they can atleast make some one stop and think if for only a moment. I offer them as much as help to others as I get from trying to help. See here, no one is judged. No one is better than another. Every one here is real in their pain, demons or happiness. And all we can really offer are words. But words that are filled with meaning and love.
  13. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    rwillson, pm'ing is fine. i cannot speak for others experiences and tell others what to do with their lives, because i'm so lost in my own...so i hear what you say. at least your therapist had the courage to tell you in person...mine just sent a form letter in the mail and refused to talk to me about why.

    itmahanh, your words are heartfelt and sincere, i'm sure....and i apologize if anything i post sounds like a "put down" or something or a dismissal of those who try to help. but, coming from where i come from, with my past experiences with people constantly saying one thing and doing another, words don't mean much.

    that said, i can feel a "logical" sense that people want to help and are sincere. it is just my emotional sense and my experience is that it isn't safe to trust people's words....which is why overall it is impossible for me to ask for help from professionals anymore and why i'm in such danger.

    it is the proverbial rock and a hard place or a catch-22 or "damned if you and damned if you don't". needing help to get out of danger, but help = danger....it is almost funny...in fact, i just laughed out loud how it has all come together and degenerated over the years to this.
  14. ZeroGrrl

    ZeroGrrl Member

    I have read your posts so many times now,
    I actually copied and pasted a lot of what you wrote to re-phrase in my own words and use in my defence....
    Like you, my problems are a mix of bpd, sa, avoidant, with anorexia and bulimia thrown in.
    I spend 9 years trying to seek help for this.. and every time I (slowly) started to trust a therapist, they gave up on me.

    Each and everyone of them promises the world when the therapy starts, but they all reach a point where they want to refer me to 'someone more able to treat your problems....' only nobody can. And I certainly can't.

    I started to feel like a parcel being passed around, so for the past 6 years I've lived without any sort of therapy, and I get on by ok, I survive, just.I try to do as much as I can. I can't cope with the outside world. And I have tried, believe me I have tried so hard......

    I've also not worked for 15 years, but now our government (I'm in the Netherlands) they want to get everyone back to work, unless your paralysed from head to toe........
    Anyway long intro, I have been told to seek help from a psychiatrist again so that I will be fit to work this time next year......
    And I can't do it. I'm sure I dont have to elaborate about my problems, they are the same as yours (near enough) so you'll know what I mean.

    I don't belong in this world merely because I don't contribute anything.
    I depend on others, not emotionally because I get on by ok in my own little world, I'm not harming anybody.... I try not to polute this world, I try to be polite to the few people I come into contact with everyday, although I do try to do everything I can to avoid contact....but financially I'm a burden to society.

    Therefore, I must leave this world.

    I have always been terrified of death.

    The past few weeks I have started training myself to overcome my fear.
    I have investigated methods, I have read about famous people who commited suicide on Wikipedia, I spent ages reading death notices online.
    I have even gone to a website with post mortem photos of people, like they made between 1830 and 1900 or so, to remember loved ones by.
    I've never seen a dead person in real life. These photos were the closest I ever got.
    They all looked as if they were peacefully asleep. Not scary at all. (although some had their eyes open which freaked me out a bit :blink:)

    I think I am slowly coming to terms with having to die.
    It's awful having your back to the wall like this, but there is no other option left.

    The other day I told the only friend I have online about my plans, but he didn't take me seriously because 'people who really want to kill themselves don't think about methods, they act in a sort of daze'

    Is it wrong that I want to mantain some sense of dignity in death? My parents, or most probably my dad, will find me. It won't be a nice sight. I think it's only right that I make it as 'clean' as possible for him.

    I live on the 11th floor and I could jump off my balcony right now and be done with. But I don't want others to have to pick up the pieces.
    Is that wrong?
    (I won't discuss any methods as this post might be deleted otherwise, well no reason why it shouldn't as it's not exactly riveting stuff I write about)

    I worry about the people I will leave behind, my parents, my sister, my niece and nephew.
    They will be devasted. On the other hand, I think they will be relieved. They love me, so long as I 'behave', so long as I'm not being akward or cause trouble.
    So long as I stay in my own little world, I get by ok. I have severe mood swings, but I have plenty of time to rest and overcome strains put on me.
    But right now I'm causing trouble because of the whole needing to have therapy/ going back to work again scenario, it's caused me so much pain and fear, and they've been acting so cold and distant ever since.

    My mother went with me when I had to see the doctor who assessed me. She actually told him, in a quite accusing tone of voice, that 'all this didn't just affect her (pointing at me) but the whole family, we can't stand the strain of this anymore'
    And I felt so unbelievably guilty...........

    I feel hopeless.

    But I've had 38 years of life. A lot of people don't even make it that far. I suppose I should be thankful for some of the good times I've had and just accept that this is the end of the road.
  15. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    yes, i can see the similarities in your situation as mine. and i agree about not posting any methods. while it would be hypocritical for me to be try to tell people to stay and it will get better...it is another thing to give methods. (that's a general statement).

    it is very troublesome that the people around us don't really get it and can't work with us and send us around like a hot potato.

    i sleep a lot or cannot sleep at all...but the times I do sleep, every time i wake up, it rushes all over me again like a screaming banshee..."i am going to die" or "i have to die" or "dying is the only option"...because i see i have no one out here i can trust. speak one word the wrong way and they will want to send the law to my door and drag me to the hospital like a criminal. they think that does me good, but it really is just them protecting themselves...with no thought of what it really will do to me. the therapist i tried briefly after the one who abandoned me did that...sent the police after me and it was quite a scene. i live in an apartment complex and people were watching it all happen. and they lied to get me out of my apartment, saying no they weren't going to take me to the hospital. but they did and they accusingly said what did I expect to happen and the officer to took me said if i did something then he gets sued and it affects his family, his life (quietly i thought...gee, who is this idiot, you don't make an already suicidal person feel guilty...but i just remained silent). they handcuffed me, as they said was procedure, and took me to the hospital handcuffed and handcuffed me to bed in the hospital...like a criminal. and they let me sit there for like 4 hours, alone, in the emergency room, with no one talking to me or even looking at me.

    there are so many things that come to mind i when wake. mostly about how dangerous and unsafe it is to talk to people and why it has only been shown to me that no one really cares.

    i do agree that my family will be upset and won't completely understand...i mean everyone is "supposed to" want to be alive. unfortunately, that generalization doesn't work for everyone.

    again, too often people in the world have said one thing and have done another. said they care, but then turn around and run away.

    yes, i'm afraid of death too...but, ya know, again...sometimes we have to do things even if we are afraid.

    by the way, ZeroGrrl, i like your Avatar, with the girl's hair turning into birds. at the end of a novel i wrote, the main character was laying in a field dying and watching what he thought was a person he loved escaping to safety. he had given his life to protect her, he believed. and what he saw was a flock of small birds swirling around, flying over a field, and he thought it was her hair, swirling in the wind. so i like that avatar.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2007
  16. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I have avoidant/schizoid personality disorder, and have indulged my insecurities in various addictive behaviors. This has caused great harm to one woman who cares about me. We once had a relationship, now we have a friendship, and I am scared shitless of her abandoning me.

    I have no family, just one other friend, and that's it. I have a job that's draining me, school that's killing me. I'm so sick of people telling me to toughen up and be strong, and I am sick of telling myself that.

    I can't see me killing myself, but I can see me lashing out at someone else, maybe threatening someone. Doing something careless that would get me fired or kicked out. Perhaps my fate is slow suicide by many minor acts of self sabotage.
  17. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i fear lashing out at others too.

    i don't have any relationships outside of my family....who lives 2000+ miles away from me...and if people at work invite me to do something, i let them know that i just bring people down and tell them it is better i don't.
  18. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    it just goes on and on and on......

    truthfully.....the only way to describe what i feel each day is literally feel like i'm in a nightmare...but at the same time i'm aware i'm not sleeping and so i know it isn't just going to end because I wake.

    i wake up and first thing I think is "Oh, God, not again! Do I really have to do another day?" And the rest of my waking hours are literally just wavering between extreme agony...feeling, percolating, infused with a very very very strong belief that I am worthless...each time I breath in, I breath in this awareness - like someone with bronchitis or something where you breath in and hurt and you just want it to end.....but it doesn't because there is no cure for it...except one. and it is so hard to "get it right" so I continue to wait.

    though the process to make my Will and Living Will documents have begun....which is somewhat comforting. I do really want to "clean up" on my way out, as best as possible.

    when i go to sleep at night I just remember how pointless and agonizing the day was and how that thing called "love" is false. and i'm trying so hard to get over the "antiquated and old" survival instinct. it may have been useful in prehistoric days, but it seems like a useless thing for me now, a survival instinct that just carried over but is now obsolete.

    then when I sleep...75% of the time I have night terrors or nightmares and i can't sleep well.

    ...and again....being awake literally feels like nightmare...the agony i feel seems so "absurd" and "over the top" that you'd get the feeling that it can't be real...but in the next half second you know it is real and you can't stop it...you breath in and out agony...pure agony. rawness and redness and I just beat myself in the head, and just burn myself....going through matchbook and matchbook....i have so much mutilation on myself (largely my legs) from holding matches on me and getting 2nd degree burns. surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) it does help keep the emotional agony at bay for a little time.

    this pain really doesn't feel real sometimes...so over the top...but it is real. it really is real.

    i can't breath...and i can't eat...and i feel sick all the time.

    no options but suicide.

    and you know, I've told SO MANY PEOPLE in my world this is exactly how i feel....and still...no one believes it, no one does anything and no one knows what to do...or they just dismiss it as exaggerated or a "attention" seeking device...

    and the room i'm in has the tools and the practice sessions go on and the wills are being made and the other "paperwork" has been done...

    and time is allotted, marked on the calendar, so that I have time to get it done and for people to just "assume" i'll be back after a couple days off. dates are chosen as to avoid being around key events in peoples lives...like being sure it is not a holiday or someone's birthday...or really even close to someone's birthday to give a buffer zone for people who might be hurt by my choice because they don't get it is my only choice.

    i so want to go immediately....but my "logic" tells me I have to wait to be sure I have the details and practice runs under my belt, to make them like second nature so that when it really comes to the date, it will go down as efficiently as possible.

    i'm tired of living this agony, this living nightmare that i can't wake from, that no one knows how to stop. i know ideas about how to stop it, but the people have refused to help me or just call me criminal and push me away because it is too much for them to deal with (like that therapist who abandoned me).

  19. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Fucking amazing post. I don't know what else to say. I made a post before about how for the first time last night I physically felt suicidal - rapid heartbeak, sweating, manically pacing back and forward in a daze, sickly warm feeling in the stomach .... bloody terrible. It sounds like you experience similar symptoms a lot of the time. You are a damn strong person for still being here if what you feel is anything like what I felt the other night.

    I have already posted my story, but I might add one more thing becaause it kind of relates - I feel fake all the time. I can't genuinley talk to people and have a genuine relationship, because everything I do feels ... forced. Feeling this all the time just fucks you up. What is worse is I can never find my niche around people - I hate being a submissive follower of others, a docile, 'nice' guy but this persona is what I put on around stronger personalities all the time... I can't help it. In contrast, I don't have the confidence to lead and be a strong personality when around other shy others .... it makes me too self concious.

    So I am stuck in a perpetual limbo, always despising my position in the social pecking order no matter what it is. How I WISH I could just sit back and just ... be.... just be, and not analyze every situation I find myself in. It is so tiring yet I find myself with constant insomnia... Man what are we gonna do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2007
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.