Trust After Time *Graphic - TRIGGER*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by JPatts04, Sep 12, 2012.

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  1. JPatts04

    JPatts04 New Member

    I apologize for the length of this, but this is something that is hard to discuss and that I haven't discussed with anyone professional. There is a back story to explain before the full event can be explained. Some things just need to come out...

    When I was 14, I entered a 2 year relationship with a boy I believed to be 17. I had just turned 14 when we got together and it didn't end until a few weeks before I turned 16. I was always one who looked and acted older than my age, so it wasn't that much of a problem to my peers. However, I kept the relationship hidden from my parents because I didn't want things becoming complicated. I believed that I was in love and that he loved me and, for about a year and a half, things were normal. It wasn't until the last six months of our relationship that I noticed things were "off" with my boyfriend. He began becoming very angry randomly (at me, at his parents, his job, and the world in general). At first it was only verbal; he would yell and rant about everything and sometimes it was directed at me. He quickly began taking his anger out on me. He would snap at me for the least little thing and would scream in my face as loudly as possible. Afterwords, he would normally cry, apologize, and talk about how worthless and horrible of a person he was. I would forgive him and go to his side to comfort him. This continued for about three weeks.

    Things became worse after that. He stopped crying in front of me and had begun punching walls, boards, and throwing things. It never mattered how many times I tried to help or figure out what was going on. I was always told that it was something that I did/didn't do or had a part in. He became semi-violent with me around the third month of the down-slide by shaking me when I tried to apologize for not understanding what I had done to upset him. I reached my silence quota and approached his brother about his behavior. I was informed that nothing was wrong with him. Despite my tries, I never could convince his brother that something was wrong.

    One day, he became so mad that he backhanded me. I was shocked and didn't even cry. It hurt, but I was so stunned that shock and adrenaline took over. I quickly left his apartment and my fear began to escalate. I decided that I would speak with him and see if I got anywhere; if not, I was going to leave. I didn't have a lot of time to talk to him, but I ended up not needing any at all. When I arrived, his door was unlocked, so I let myself in like normal. However, I opened the door to find him cheating on me with a girl...and her brother! He was unashamed, but the girl was completely horrified. Crying, I ran out the door and headed to my cousin's car. Two weeks later, I finally answered his calls and told him I was coming to get my things. When I arrived, my cousin waited at the door. He was so calm, but sad sounding on the phone that I thought I would be okay. He locked the door behind me. My sixth sense kicked in and I picked up my things and began to leave, but I was stopped by him before I could.

    See, up until now, we had had a rather non-sexual relationship. Touching was my limit and nothing more. I wasn't ready for such adventures, but he was. He had always pushed me, but I always declined: this time, I wasn't given a choice. I was hit so hard the world spun and I crashed to the ground. I fully came back to the world tied to the headboard, stomach down. He attacked me with a box cutter and brutally raped me. I was left there covered in blood, bearing his last name across my shoulders, with part of my soul following him out the door. He told me it was to test to see if he was really gay or not and that he wouldn't put up with me holding out on him any longer... My cousin saved me all too late. I never contacted him again. I found out later that he was, in fact, 6 years older than me. He suffered from Bipolar Disorder and had randomly decided to go off his meds. None of that justifies what he did to me...

    Two years later, I dated another guy who slowly turned to mental abuse. He called me fat, stupid, and worthless so much that I began to believe it... One night, we were playing around with mild S&M and he tied me to the bed. However, we hadn't had sex and I still wanted to wait; he didn't. He took me anyways. I left instantly afterwords and cut all contact with him.

    It has been nearly a year and a half since the second attack... After extensive medicinal creams, the scars have faded off my back nearly completely. I met an amazing man in college and have been with him for 9 months and have known him for over a year. He knows of my past and takes great care to be gentle and understanding with me. However, I still have horrific nightmares and flashbacks of the incidents. There will be times when I cannot handle the merest touch from him and I have grown to hate being touched by anyone (even a graze in passing) that I am not extremely close with, such as my mom or long-time friends.

    Is there ever a time that dealing with events such as these becomes any easier? Is it possible to ever trust or sleep normally again? Is my situation rare or is it (very sadly) more common than I think?

    Once again, I apologize for the length and the information within. If it's too much, I understand. I'm just trying to find a way to have peace of mind again...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    One does not get over such trauma hun without reaching out for help from professional who can help you bring all this pain to the surface safely and who can help you by giving you new coping skills to deal with flash backs You hun deserve that care ok. Talk to a councillor at your school get the professional help hun do that for YOU hugs
  3. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserved none of it. Unfortunately, this is a story all too common. You can get help from professionals to start to deal with the rapes and abuse. It will take a long time and a lot of hard work, but you CAN do it. Right now, the not wanting to be touched and having a hard time with sex is also common. It sounds a lot like PTSD, but of course I am no doctor. It is just similar problems I have had that were diagnosed as PTSD. I am still working on my issues and it sucks that I even have to do this, but I have to. For me, I have yet to be able to have sex normally and enjoy it. In fact, I could go my whole life without ever having sex again and I would be fine with that. But that's me. I hope it is not the same for you. I wish you all the best. Please get some help, you are worth it. If you want to chat more, feel free to PM me.
  4. JPatts04

    JPatts04 New Member

    It really is horrible that incidents like this happen to so many people and, like mine, go unreported. My fiance is encouraging me to go to counseling, and I plan on it. He's even offered to go with me. My moments of hating touch aren't as severe as they used to be. Due to his good nature and extreme understanding, I've been able to become more comfortable and actually feel safe with him. Oddly enough, I do not fear sex with him, at least not now. My fear is being hurt by being hit, shaken, or other ways of domestic violence. I feel VERY fortunate to have such a strong pillar of support and understanding in him, and I think support in general is something required by anyone who goes through a situation like this. Lauru, I dearly hope you have someone like that in your life and I wish you the best, as well!!

    Thank you, both of you, for the kind words. Maybe one day this won't be such a taboo topic for many women...
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