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Trust Issues?

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#1
Most of my life I have been closed. In my adult life I became more open and I really made progress when I joined a support group a few years ago. However, someone in this support group breached my privacy and used this breach for their own personal gain. Since then, I have not been able to trust people in the same way if at all.

I'd really like to start trying again. That's part of what I am doing here. Would anyone be able to give any advice or techniques or even anecdotes for how they overcame trust issues? Is it worth it?
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#3
I guess the only advice I can give is to take things slow. Be open to people but don't lay everything out there in plain sight for them to see too fast. Building trust takes time and small steps. So take it slow in a tempo you're comfortable with that doesn't trigger your fear too much.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#4
The best advice I can give, does not come from personal experience, but from looking at your situation practically. I understand completely why you’ve gotten to the place you’ve arrived at—(given what’s been stated), but if you are able to understand that that was a sample size of one. In a very unique and extraordinary situation (group support). Those are inherently built in with more trust than should be perhaps given at times, because of the collective harmony that is shared by some complication or another. Therefore, relationships can develop on a much faster track than most (other settings...). I think that, you’ve just got to look at and take it for what it was. This person violated your trust. But that can happen to anyone. Even the most intelligent and savvy people have been fooled! My parents - both with PhD’s & about as highly successful a s you’re gong to get in their chosen & respective fields, were once taken advantage of by their financial advisor, or i forget his exact title - he may have been technically an accountant, but the point is that their read was that after getting to know him, his brother & extended family, as well as their interactions over the years, their kids and whatnot (he held a position for being in charge with the city’s Financial s in some for m or another - which he also got in trouble for...); but the point is that you can still get deceived, if the other party is willing to go to those lengths to do so - for whatever reason. But to throw away all future opportunity is to oppress yourself. Not only do you lose out: but so to do all those who might be welcomed into your life, and one day further meaningful relationships with. It’d be like if I somehow got a girlfriends out the blue (& that would be a miracle the likes of which this world has never, and will never see)— hut lets just say for the sake of, that I did! And the. N they went and did an analogous thing to me, as was just was done onto you. And let’s stretch this truth further and say that it had happened to me before, once or twice, and with profound and everlasting consequences, ramifications, & implications... & I were to come to you and say, “hey! I’ve give n up on the girls 👧!!)” they’re all the same and not to be Trusted and based on my own personal experience, will only look to continued the stretch no matter what I try and do (or change, in the future). Now, what might you tell me? : )
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#5
Another thing is that the sooner you can get a new replacement of sorts, to see things in a more positive light-That is the other way, the sooner you can begin to undo some of this damage and pain that hA s commence d.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#6
Trust is important to build, trust in yourself as well as others. But there are no guarantees in life. We have to learn to forgive also. I wish you the best in everything, and hang in there. Love and God Bless.
Unfortunately ... I am not good at forgiveness. The fact that this person used their position of power to violate me and I did and said nothing haunts me. How many other people have they done this to? How many people would care?

This was a support group and they used their position in which people laid their trust in them to satisfy their own desires and provide themselves a false sense of security/inflate their ego. I find it hard to let this rest. I'm generally not the sort.

How many people would care? I wonder about this often and this probably propels my trust issues. This particular person was able to use their position as group leader to gather a cult like following. All they had to do was find vulnerable people ...

Sorry for the long rant. Ultimately I want to let go of this for my own sanity.

Thank you for your well wishes and same to you.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#7
I guess the only advice I can give is to take things slow. Be open to people but don't lay everything out there in plain sight for them to see too fast. Building trust takes time and small steps. So take it slow in a tempo you're comfortable with that doesn't trigger your fear too much.
Thank you.... take it slow and don't expect everything all at once. Unfortunately, I'm a person of extremes. Either I'm closed like an immovable force or entirely vulnerable and at the mercy of my insecurity.... which was probably too open of a thing to say.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#8
Another thing is that the sooner you can get a new replacement of sorts, to see things in a more positive light-That is the other way, the sooner you can begin to undo some of this damage and pain that hA s commence d.
You are right. It is unfair on people to project my experiences and baggage all onto them. To assume they would do bad and be bad and mistreat me. It also hurts me as I don't leave myself open to better people and better opportunities... and to growth myself. You. are. very. right. I just need to find the ability to enact these words. Follow through.. or something like that.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#9
This sounds like a disastrous experience and/or nightmare or all nightmares!!! I don’t know how you get past these sort of negative feelings based on these things that have happened to you. But when you mentioned being something of an “all-or-none,” type I wondered if you didn’t have some type, or hints (traits?) or “perfectionism,” coursing through - or in you? That’s no matter! Most of the actual “perfectionists” I’ve met, don’t refer to themselves as such (meanwhile, many others..;))
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#10
Thank you.... take it slow and don't expect everything all at once. Unfortunately, I'm a person of extremes. Either I'm closed like an immovable force or entirely vulnerable and at the mercy of my insecurity.... which was probably too open of a thing to say.
Yes, he is perfectly right! It’s all about being cautious in your approach and how thoroughly you can ‘vet,’ them. This of course, takes time. A long time, honestly when you really break it down, as far as actually truly getting in there to know what goes on inside someone’s soul. You can be best friends with someone for years and still not quite have a very good picture in some cases. Sometimes it can work your way too... if you don’t run into the wrong kind of person. Or, if you (do) run into right kind, and then Fate intervenes, and lends a hand!! :D
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#11
I don’t know how you get past these sort of negative feelings based on these things that have happened to you.
I don't. Ha.

But when you mentioned being something of an “all-or-none,” type I wondered if you didn’t have some type, or hints (traits?) or “perfectionism,” coursing through - or in you?
You are right.. I don't actually believe in perfection but I do believe in doing my best and I never feel I do my best, so I am constantly chasing something better. I am not adequate. Jesus. I am nothing most days.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#12
Yes, he is perfectly right! It’s all about being cautious in your approach and how thoroughly you can ‘vet,’ them. This of course, takes time. A long time, honestly when you really break it down, as far as actually truly getting in there to know what goes on inside someone’s soul. You can be best friends with someone for years and still not quite have a very good picture in some cases. Sometimes it can work your way too... if you don’t run into the wrong kind of person. Or, if you (do) run into right kind, and then Fate intervenes, and lends a hand!! :D
Did you go and learn how to quote messages? :P I remember awhile ago we spoke you had trouble with it.
 

Nick the Fantastical Duck

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#13
Trust is a huge issue for me, so I can understand that. It takes a long time to earn my trust. I suppose that's the key word there, earn. MisterBGone is right about taking it slow. I never thought I'd trust anyone again, and someone finally found their way through the wall I'd built. It was worth the it in the end. It's not easy to learn to let someone in, and it's a journey of give and take. Finding the person worth giving your trust and then taking it one step at a time. Talking through issues and learning with each other when something makes you uncomfortable, or when it doesn't sit right in your head. It can be challenging, but like I said worth it.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#14
No, not exactly. . . I can’t remember if it was you, or @Bergerac who was one day yelling at me about it?? ;) And then more recently, someone else chimed in & offered assistance; but you know how it is... when one teaches you something. And you say, oh yeah! Okay 👌 I got it. . . And then you never do it again— :D
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#15
No, not exactly. . . I can’t remember if it was you, or
*see* I can, the other way—(quote), just not thus! ;)
@Bergerac who was one day yelling at me about it?? ;) And then more recently, someone else chimed in & offered assistance; but you know how it is... when one teaches you something. And you say, oh yeah! Okay 👌 I got it. . . And then you never do it again— :D
Look 👀 up—& in between! :^)
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#16
Trust is a huge issue for me, so I can understand that. It takes a long time to earn my trust. I suppose that's the key word there, earn. MisterBGone is right about taking it slow. I never thought I'd trust anyone again, and someone finally found their way through the wall I'd built. It was worth the it in the end. It's not easy to learn to let someone in, and it's a journey of give and take. Finding the person worth giving your trust and then taking it one step at a time. Talking through issues and learning with each other when something makes you uncomfortable, or when it doesn't sit right in your head. It can be challenging, but like I said worth it.
I'm glad that you found someone you can trust... yes, once earned it seems.. valuable.

I should note I have someone I can tell most of my thoughts and ideas and silly notions and whatever to, but I still withhold a bit, withhold the parts that I think will hurt them. I'm still not able to give them all of my affection.
 

Nick the Fantastical Duck

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#17
I'm glad that you found someone you can trust... yes, once earned it seems.. valuable.

I should note I have someone I can tell most of my thoughts and ideas and silly notions and whatever to, but I still withhold a bit, withhold the parts that I think will hurt them. I'm still not able to give them all of my affection.
It takes time. I took over a year for me to break through to trusting, and longer to get to the point where I felt like I can really truly tell them the truth, all of it. Trust is such a hard thing once lost. It's not the fault of the people we are now learning to trust, but we need to heal. I truly hope you can heal to the point you can trust, at least one person fully.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#18
Unfortunately ... I am not good at forgiveness. The fact that this person used their position of power to violate me and I did and said nothing haunts me. How many other people have they done this to? How many people would care?

This was a support group and they used their position in which people laid their trust in them to satisfy their own desires and provide themselves a false sense of security/inflate their ego. I find it hard to let this rest. I'm generally not the sort.

How many people would care? I wonder about this often and this probably propels my trust issues. This particular person was able to use their position as group leader to gather a cult like following. All they had to do was find vulnerable people ...

Sorry for the long rant. Ultimately I want to let go of this for my own sanity.

Thank you for your well wishes and same to you.
That sounds horrible. Was this a professional? Can you see about suing for violation of confidentiality and damages. Would help.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#19
That sounds horrible. Was this a professional? Can you see about suing for violation of confidentiality and damages. Would help.
No...I don't believe they were/are a mental health professional of any sort.. really anyone can start a support group as long as you have the right disclaimers, qualified or not. Suing isn't an option.
 

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