Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cariad_Bach, Dec 7, 2013.

  1. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Last night I had a really hard night. I've never been in the presence of another when really starting to spiral before. When I'm really fighting the urge not to hurt myself. When I'm struggling against difficult feelings and negative thought patterns.... Someone who doesn't want you to hurt yourself. Someone who doesn't quite understand and yet wants to be there, wants to help, wants to try. Wants to love you.... When that same someone is the person who betrayed your trust, disclosed your secrets, opened you up to vulnerability and then gave another tools to hurt you and power over you.

    A really hard night. He had no idea how to cope. I had no idea how to cope. My default is still to hurt myself, to blame myself, to take it out on myself.... And then to hate myself, berate myself, and give up on myself; on happiness; on stability and reliability and safety.... To give up on life.

    And this morning.... I still want to die.
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Cariad, I'm glad you are sharing how you feel. I would like to say that this forum is like family when your own family can betray or hurt you. What I'm trying to say that people here really understand the hurt you feel and that they don't want you to hurt yourself. True, we might not understand your entire situation, but people here want to be there for you, help you, and hope you never give up trying. We love you as you are, without betraying your trust in us because we only support each other. You can disclose almost anything you want and we will still be with judging. I hope you will find a way to cope when you're hurting so much and I see you are reaching out to us here. Please continue to use this site to process your feelings and thoughts. We are here for you, really.