Last night I had a really hard night. I've never been in the presence of another when really starting to spiral before. When I'm really fighting the urge not to hurt myself. When I'm struggling against difficult feelings and negative thought patterns.... Someone who doesn't want you to hurt yourself. Someone who doesn't quite understand and yet wants to be there, wants to help, wants to try. Wants to love you.... When that same someone is the person who betrayed your trust, disclosed your secrets, opened you up to vulnerability and then gave another tools to hurt you and power over you. A really hard night. He had no idea how to cope. I had no idea how to cope. My default is still to hurt myself, to blame myself, to take it out on myself.... And then to hate myself, berate myself, and give up on myself; on happiness; on stability and reliability and safety.... To give up on life. And this morning.... I still want to die.