Trust

[Mercedesgirl]

im struggling with trust issues with my good friend. I've known them for years and never once thought about things that they'd say before, but we've gotten closer recently and I'm now beginning to not believe things they say they are doing or where they are going, generally everything they say. It's ruining our conversations because I'm questioning them all the time and not actually enjoying the conversation. Then going over the conversation in my head after, doubting what they said.

I look forward to talking to them but after it's draining emotionally because I'm going over it all
, so then next time we talk I'm still querying what they said before, can sometime be days after.

I know trust takes time but they've never done or said anything in the past to loose that trust and if I've asked anything they have always explained it and supported me through my anxieties. I wish I could just enjoy our chats and anytime we have together but I'm worried it will destroy our friendship if I keep questioning them. This is all because of issues in the past with people that have got close and I'm tired of it impacting on friendships now.

Any help please would be appreciated, I don't want to loose someone who has supported me through many dark days.

 

[Paul1234]

I think you just have to go with your gut. If this person has treated you well in the past then it seems to me there is no reason to be suspicious of anything. You’ll end up turning good people away if you let your trust issues get in the way too much.

 

[Mercedesgirl]

Thanks Paul, your right, I've pushed people away because of issue like this before, I'm not gonna do it with this friend, bless you for helping me see that

 

[Matthew44]

I have similar thoughts about my closest friend, she knows about my problems and helps me a lot when I’m down. I find myself going through a conversation looking for an alternative motive for her helping. I actually know she doesn’t have one but in my low points I tend search for it. Anyway my advise would be to not reread past conversations because you start to plant seeds of doubt that you can carry into future chats and it’ll only grow into more doubt. If you can, accept that they’re happy talking with you because they enjoy your company and want to make you happy. It’s the people closest to you that will always be there for you and if you distance yourself from them they may not be able to do so.
Hope you can take something from all this and we’re here if you need anything else.
Matt

 

[Kiwi2016]

Believing that others just want to be your friend is so hard I know especially if others have violated that trust in the past...but as others have said just believe in your gut that they do want to be your friend and try not to hash over all conversations and take them at their face value as it sounds like this individual really does care for you and wants to be there for you...overthinking is so easy to do at times as I know too well...so try to calm your overthinking down and just be with them in the moments that you share...be gentle on yourself as well as trusting in others is one of the hardest things to do I find....sending you hugs...

 

[Mercedesgirl]

Thanks guys. I was talking to them yesterday and it works out that he was treated years ago for PTSD, the same disorder that ive recently been diagnosed with. He was saying things about when he explains things that he finds it hard to explain them properly and when he gets questionsed (as I have started to do) he shut down and gets frustrated because he cant always explain things easily. Im the same , I also say things sometimes and then think, why did I say that, its like someone else is saying the words but they are coming from my mouth (dont know if this makes sense to anyone), see I worry I cant explain it properly.

I over think things, and he says he does the same. He also worries what he says that it comes out the wrong way, Im the same again. I dont mean to, the words just come out. Im now worryng that because we both have the same disorder that we wont actually be able to deal with things because we both over think things?

 

[Matthew44]

If you’re both struggling with the same things that should make it easier for you to understand each other’s problems. Now you know that he’s feeling a similar way you can talk about it between yourselves if there’s something wrong and Find a solution. We’re still here if you need us of cause

 

[Mercedesgirl]

just thought I'd update this alittle...

we continue to talk twice a day and Im feeling alittle less stressed after we talk (not over thinking the calls) but recently we've been talking about meeting up again (we live 6 hours apart), so not easy to pop round. Arrangements have to be made for a suitable date and time for both of us. We sorted out a date and started to discuss further. A few days later he said that it might be difficult to get the time off because his work load is very high and he was worried we'd not be able to see eachother for long having driven hours to get there. He was being considerate rather than saying yeah come down, oh sorry I cant see you! Just to add this 'date' is 2 months away.

Anyways, friday he called early afternoon to say he'd forgotten he had a drs appt and was leaving work at 12.30. I'm now starting to think that he didnt actually have an appt and that he was just saying that because he had to justify taking the afternoon off as I might query it.

OK, so my question is how do I ask him about the appt etc without him getting annoyed because I'm basically saying he could be lying?

This is going round and round in my head and until I ask him, I wont settle. I feel bad that Im saying he isnt honest and hes been such a great friend to me

Thanks

 

[Walker]

Honestly, the truth of the matter is your friend is either telling the truth or he's lying right? Only two options.
So the appointment is real & you can ask how it went and feel satisfied with the reply.
Or you can not feel ok with the reply, think that he's lying and that he didn't want to see you for some reason. Fact is, he may be stressed about having a visitor for a million reasons youre unaware of - the house is a shamble, depressed, anxiety, he's got someone living with him, etc. Literally dozens of reasons that he doesn't want to say. Its not especially a reflection on you.