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Truth & Reality &

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Dec 21, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2011
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Talk to me?
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Mo,

    I am sorry that you aren't managing as well you would like to be... I have experienced feelings that remind me of yours - especially with the fooling myself into thinking I'm feeling better.. People here do care for you, you are a good person, and I don't see that changing. Be gentle with yourself, and in the meantime I will be sending you lots of big hugs... ((Mo))

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all make them...we are such an imperfect species...what is going on Mo?
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Mo?! :hug:
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all.

    Yesterday, out of nowhere, I had a very dark thought. It scared me that it came to mind so suddenly and appeared to be an option for that moment. It would have been easy. I realize that I don't wish to die really. What I do wish is for the pain, the feelings, the memories to go away. For that to happen i am not sure i can work through things.

    Do you realize then how selfish i felt? Imagine leaving my s/o to die alone?

    I am pretty fragile today. And today, instead of running, im standing here asking for some comfort. Please. If anyone can.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    always here to offer some comfort Mo..
    you have been an absolute gem to me..

    it's ok to have those thoughts Mo as long as you don't act on them.
    It's not selfish to want to escape indescribable pain.
    It's self preservation.
    I can hear how much you care for your partner.

    please hold onto that 'not wanting to die' part of you
    I care and want you to stay..:hug:
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, IV.

    Very much.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Isn't it ironic that when I actually ask for help - I'm here & I'm reaching out - just one person bothered to say anything & reach back.....?

    hmmmmm.... what about that for irrational thinking?

    It still hurts. But hey - such is life. Why should I expect anything different? THIS is what frustrates me and saddens me. I try to open myself to believe some folks here care but when I do, reality hits me. And that reality is no different to any other time in my life.

    Is this my victim mentality? Damn right it is. How could it not be? How can I put a positive spin on this shit? Well - okay - we all have our own battles. Yes, I understand this and I empathize. Maybe everyone is busy with Christmas stuff? Maybe folks are just over my bs? Perhaps the most honest spin is that folks just don't give a rats.

    I wish I didn't care. But I do. I wish I didn't need help. But I do. I wish in a way I had done what ran through my mind last eve, but I didn't. No courage.

    C'est la vie - for me - fucked up, stupid, worthless, scared, disposable me.
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Mo,

    Sending you big bear hugs for encouragement.... ((Hugs)) I know what you're going through is a tough, tough battle. I hope good things happen tomorrow morning and it is an easier day... Sleep well and take care of you...

  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks for your words speedy.

    Take care.
  12. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((Mo)) I'm so sorry I just saw your post. :( I got almost no alone time yesterday (and therefore, only about an hour on SF), and didn't see your post until just now. You ARE very important to me, and to so many of us. I promise, had I seen your post, I would have responded immediately. I'm an expert at "putting on a happy face" (my own particular denial strategy), but the truth is, like many of us this time of year, I am also in a really dark place. If I knew how to heal your pain (and my own), you know I would. But please know that while I can't be on SF as much right now (Honey is on holiday break, which gives me very little time to myself), I will always be there for you the moment I know you need a friend. Life sucks right now, but I really hope that we both find a way to survive and see better days. Sending hugs and genuine friendship... T :console:
  13. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Morning Mo,
    You are very important, you are not disposable. I wish I had seen this thread yesterday and given a more prompt response. I should be more aware of how the season can emphasize negative thoughts, especially when the general situation is already stressful.
    You are heard here, I look forward to your posts, you have such good insight, though maybe you have to be on the outside to see it. I'm sorry that you're feeling badly and it may seem you are abandoned, but that's not true at all. Sometimes that dark place tries to pull us in, twisting reality, distorting the truth, working on our fears ans insecurities.
    You are very much cared for and appreciated. Please be good to yourself today. Hugs
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both so much.

    I was pretty ignorant yesterday and I apologize to anyone I may have offended.

    Today is a bit better and I've had some pain relief from massage which helps too.

    Thank you again.
  15. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When we hurt, we do not see things clearly (understatement from Brooklyn) and anyone who takes that personally, should examine how they are...you are not ignorant nor worthless, you are in pain...how about a text every now and then when you feel like this? I will try to do the same so that there is a fair exchange...it is difficult for both of us, so maybe we can learn together
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