try all you want, you cant hate me as much as i hate me.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by xinfectious, Dec 25, 2007.

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  1. xinfectious

    xinfectious Member

    sorry if none of this makes sense, i'm typing out of my head right now;


    i fucking hate christmas, i hate my birthday, and every other holiday since ive hated it since my mother decided to disapear, and my stupid fucking dickface dad marries psycho bitch and ever since then my life is over.
    how can you be 38 years old and take so much fucking time and energy and put so much thought into torturing a 17 year old girl? WHY? what have i ever done? you are pure evil. i hate her for just being hateful. she is the adolf hitler of my house i swear to god. i hate myself even more for letting her break me down, and i know that she's winning. i hated myself from the start but thanks to you bitch, i hate myself even more.
    why do you hate me? what have i done?
    when i was 13, your son raped me. GET OVER IT BITCH. YOUR DICKWAD SON IS A FUCKING RAPIST. i tried to tell you, out of all people YOU because you had been through it yourself. i thought you would understand. but what did you do? you told me i was a dirty little girl and a sick minded whore and i wanted it.
    when i was 14you told me i was fat. all i wanted to do was please you. i just wanted a mother. i stopped eating for 2 weeks just to please you. you said i wanted attention.
    on my 15th birthday you said i wasnt fun. i was boring, a low life, never going to have any friends or place in the world because i am shit. i didnt wnat to be shit anymore. dont you understand? so to please you, i stole jessicas pills out of the medicine cabinet. you were right about that one. yes, it was me. but i did it for you. anything to please you, remember? you toldm e i was fun that night, that i was getting thin, and that i was growing up, remember that?
    i sure do. and then the night after, you tore me down. i shouldve known. and you know what i did after that night when you through the bottle at me and said maybe a few scars on my face would hide that ugly beast thats crawling on my head? i took that glass and cut myself with it. no, not on my face like you wouldve liked, but on my arms. it was like a victory. a silent, hidden victory. i wasnt cutting my face like you wanted me to. i wasnt doing anything you wanted me to. just the razor blade against my skin. wonderful sharp sweet victory against you.
    now, 2 years later. i've snorted every pill i can name, i have countless scars, i'm on probation for selling since you brainwashed my daddy into never buying me SHIT. my daddy, he used to be MINE. and to get some clothes and food i had to steal, sell, and do EVERYTHINNG on my own. just to meet my needs. my own dad doesnt even say goodmorning to me. how the hell do i deal with this. i've been so close to the end before, but someone, anyone has kept me from going. i dont know why i'm here, to be totally honest. something inside me i guess still wants me to live. something still says jeanine youre more than this... i just dont know what or where that what is..
     
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I understand.
     
  3. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    I could not have said it better myself, xinfectious. You said it perfectly.
     
  4. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Makes me very upset to read of so many other despairing people like you and me / us all posting on xmas day and feeling powerless to do anything about it other than pray and hope Jesus answers our prayers for those suffering. :hug:
     
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